The English Language Sucks!

This post was on my blog the other day, but then I saw that we needed some filler here....so...enjoy.

I know that it has been a while since I last posted, but there has just been a lot going on in my life lately. Not to mention my latest issue.

The kids are off visiting with their father and the house is virtually empty. These are the times that I reserve to get some shit done around the house. The project at the top of my list right now, though not a huge one, is the cause for both anxiety and deep thought.

The project itself is simple…repair the leak in our shower. Remove the shower knob. Remove and replace worn inner part(s). Re-attach knob and seal. Simple…yes, I know.

The issue is as follows: I have no caulk. (No…I did not say COCK…I said caulk.) This is where the anxiety comes in. I hate the fact that I have to walk into my local hardware store and ask the burly guy that runs the place if he has caulk. What do you say? “Excuse me…I am looking for caulk.” “Do you have caulk?” “Where can I find caulk?” “Do you have light brown caulk? My wife does not want white caulk.”

What the fuck is wrong with the guy who invented and named caulk? Wouldn’t you think that he’d know how it sounds and that the majority of people buying it would be plumbers, builders, DIY “manly men” and the such? He could have just named it; goop or sealer or even sticky shit. (Although there may be similar issues with “sticky shit.”

So basically, I have not started my project and have a feeling that before I do, I will be down at the hardware store scanning the aisles for the caulk display as so this manly mo fo will not need to inquire with anyone about caulk.

I even thought about sending Mariah to make the purchase…but I know her. She would have too much fun with it and would be all, “Excuse me big boy….can you show me your caulk? I need some very badly.” OH HELL NO….I ain’t with all that!

Sports Talk

Baseball season has started again. I know this not because I’m a fan of the game, but because my Red Sox obsessed friends suddenly started mentioning it in their Facebook status updates. Thus begins another sports season, which means all summer there will be conversations in which I cannot participate.

I was not born with the sports gene. I was never a strong athlete as a kid, and the shame of being a boy who’s not good at sports pretty much sucked all of the interest in them from me like a dry sponge in a bathtub of water. Now that I’m an adult male, and thankfully not measured by my athletic abilities, or lack thereof, I’ve come to respect sports and even like them somewhat. At least I like the competitive aspect of them. But since I’ve spent the majority of my life actively avoiding things that require you to buy equipment and keep score (video games excepted), I know very little about them. Sure, I know the basic rules to most of the major games, but I’m lost when it comes to players and stats—the two factors that make up 99.67% of sports talk.

It’s too daunting a task to try to get up to speed on a particular sport, which would be like trying to learn how to speak a new language or play an instrument. It would take a frustratingly long time and suck up the remainder of my rare and precious free time. Besides, my brain is already filled with movie trivia and Simpsons quotes, I'm not sure if I can add anything else without running the risk of losing important information like my wife's birthday or my social security number. I’ve tried to join betting pools, thinking that if I have money on the line, I’ll be motivated to study. Turns out that me joining a pool is the equivalent of walking up to a stranger on the street and handing them a wad of cash.

Because I’m ignorant about sports, I’m left out of a lot of conversations. Get a bunch of guys together and sports is guaranteed to come up at some point. When this happens, I’m left ignorantly nodding my head, trying to keep up with the barrage of facts and figures that have no relevance for me in the slightest.

It’s worse in one-on-one situations. A guy will never ask another guy, “Do you like sports?” The sports assumption is always made with questions like, “What sports do you follow?” or, “Who’s your team?” or the trickiest query, “What did you think of the game last night?” When faced with one of these questions, my admission of my non-sports status is usually met with a puzzled and disapproving look that says, “Why don’t you go stand in the corner and knit a sweater or something?”

When in my office, guys don’t understand that the picture on my desk of the Bean wearing a football jersey and holding a beer and a remote is a joke. They view it as an invitation to talk sports. The subsequent explanation about the picture is both wordy and uninteresting. It’s hard to explain irony.

I secretly hope that my kids get into sports, so that I will be forced to bone up in order to better communicate with them. However, growing up under my roof it’s more likely that my kids will watch Bugs Bunny than baseball.

So as this summer’s barbeque season approaches, I know that I will find myself at a party, drifting from one sports conversation to the next, until I inevitably wander over to a group of women who are talking about TV.

However, I don’t watch “American Idol” either.

-DGB

Ask the Hot Dads #4

Question #1
Dads,
I have a real dilemma that is really causing a problem for my NEW marriage (15 months). Since we have begun living together after marriage, things have really changed. My husband prefers porn to a willing wife!! WTF I am the woman who wants sex everyday and I would complain because I want it more. Back story, before we got married he would come visit me every weekend and once or twice during the week. There was not a problem, there was regular sex...woohoo. Now I am lucky to get it once a month, and that has been for the last 10 months!!! That is NOT a sex life to me. We do have opposite schedules but he always has time to gratify himself and nothing for me. I have tried and if you check my blog you will see the latest of my efforts and the outcome (new blogger, it is the first two posts). We or I should say I have talked but he will not say a word to me. I use the questions 'how can WE come to a compromise', 'what can we do'. But nothing. I really truly mean he does not say a word. How do I get him to talk to me?? This hurts!! Our marriage is to new to be having such an issue. I don't want to stray but I don't feel desired or wanted. I am not a prude I am willing to do anything, I have plenty of toys, lingerie, I will tell you what I want and how. There isn't even a problem with orgasms, and it doesn't take an hour, 5 minutes if you are hitting the right spots, I have multiple (thank you)!! What man would prefer a porn to the real thing??? HELP

Hubman says: To be honest, I don't think any of us have nearly enough information to attempt to give you some advice that would be the least bit useful. I took a look at your blog, and one thing I wonder about is your issue with chronic back pain that you write about. Could that indirectly be affecting him, knowing that if you're in pain a fair amount of time and he doesn't want to make it worse during sex? I don't know, I'm grasping at straws here....

You and he did not live together before you got married, correct? I wonder if there are issues that he's afraid to talk about that are getting in the way of intimacy. Basic co-habitation issues, you know what I mean? Is living together THAT much different than what either of you expected?

To get to your last question, I don't know a man who would prefer porn to a willing woman and can't fathom that. But you're not alone- just look around the blogosphere, there are tons of women writing about getting sexual satisfaction outside of their marriages because their husbands are NOT into sex AT ALL. Not that I'm suggesting you do that, just saying so to illustrate a point.


Daddy Geek Boy says: Studies have shown that porn can be addictive. Because there’s an endless supply of it on line, the bountiful buffet of beautiful boobs and butts can…uh…what was I saying? Oh yeah. It’s entirely possible to get too wrapped up in porn. Taking care of one’s self regularly can certainly take a bit of the will to hunt out of the hunter, but I don’t know of any guy who would take squeezing one out in front of the TV or keyboard over real live flesh. My Spidey sense is tingling here. Usually a problem with a couple’s sex life is a symptom of a larger problem. You guys are too new a married couple to be running into stuff like this, especially if you had a healthy sex life before getting married. But I feel there’s a lot of info that we’re missing so it’s hard to really give a diagnosis. My best advice is that you need to talk to each other and if you can’t open up the lines of communication yourselves, reach out to a counselor. Good luck and I hope it all works out.


David (Dad’s House) says: I don't know any guy who would choose porn over the real thing. That said - men like to hunt. You have to make him chase you. Tease and tantalize him a bit. A hint of cleavage or a trace of thong can do wonders.


Cameron says: You say your husband prefers porn…..but here’s a question, is he actually getting off? Masturbating? Is he openly watching porn in front of you or is he hiding it from you? If he’s NOT spankin it, I would chalk it up to low sex drive. Is he on any medication for anxiety, blood pressure, depression? Certain medications can definitely hinder your libido. Aside from that, I might offer one piece of advice to you. You mentioned in one of your posts that you were lying there naked spread when he got home (I think at this point we will need some scantily clad photos just for verification purposes, please send to …. ) and nothing happened. My word of advice is this – play hard to get for a little bit. This WILL NOT work immediately, but after a week or two it may kick in. Guys like the thrill of the chase. We want to work a little bit for it, we want to hunt it down and take it for ourselves, sometimes it’s just not as exciting if it’s right there in front of our face, and we didn’t have to work to get it. Make sense?


Tent Camper says: WOW…not sure where to start with this one. There seems to be several issues here. I will start with the porn one; Watch the porn with him. Find out what parts or people get him the most turned on. Use that information to shift his attention to you as opposed to the porn…or even in conjunction with it.

You need to MAKE him talk. Communication is the only way a marriage can work. If you need to…do something to get his attention. Offer to let him watch you with someone else…if he prefers to watch. You just have to get him to talk. He may feel that the things that turn him on
are dirty and he does not want you to be dirtied. If so, ask him to tell you his fantasies…tell him that those ‘dirty’ things are not dirty…that they are hot. (well….unless he is watching snuff or child porn…then…I would just get out)


Southern Sage says: I always first ask if his stuff works properly. I mean if he doesn't or has probs getting it up then maybe that is embarrassing to him and he'd rather not go through that. Have you turned him down for any thing he might want? He might be punishing you for not doing what he wants sexually. Have you discussed you looking elsewhere for sex? Hell he might agree to it. What kind of porn does he watch? Is it specific and the same thing every time? Have you changed since the wedding? Gained or lost a lot of weight? Shaved your head? or something significant? (not that any of that is a reason to pass up on sex but they might be to him)

I cant understand why any guy ever would turn their partner down, ever but they do often it seems. I dunno, that's all I got.


Question #2
How do guys go to the store with a list of 2 things and manage to come home with ONLY the 2 things on the list? Doesn't the sale item excite you? How can you bypass all the beautiful produce, magazines, bakery? Amazing.

Hubman says: That's easy, it's because I'm a list kind of guy. The wife gives me a list, I go to the store and get what's on the list. Sure, Mac and Cheese might be on sale, but I have no idea what's in the cupboard at home, so why buy it if for all I know we already have 8 boxes of the stuff?

That's not to say I won't take the opportunity to cheat on my diet and grab some Ben & Jerrys, you know what I'm sayin'...


Daddy Geek Boy says: Sure it’s easy to resist at the grocery store. Best Buy, however, is a completely different story.


David (Dad’s House) says: I'm divorced, and shop for myself. I never carry a list. I just get what I need, then leave. Unless, of course, Jim Beam Black or Bombay Sapphire Gin is on sale. Then I get excited!


Cameron says: Easy…we get frustrated when we can’t easily find something, then we get pissed, then we leave. J

I could care less if there are sale items unless it involves cow or pig. Don’t get me wrong, I comparison shop, and I buy items when they’re on sale, but no, they don’t excite me. The produce and magazines and bakery are about the three main areas I like to avoid, that and the tampon isle. Actually, the bakery is Ok, they have tons of sugary goodness there, but produce and magazines….snooze.


Tent Camper says: I do most of the shopping around here and I “stick to my list.” I am not one to stray from my intended items, but I will say that if an incredible deal pops up…I will most likely indulge. The thing that I don’t do, that I see women often do is self-indulge. I will not go “off list” for things that I like (unless I am at Home Depot.) When Mariah goes to the store, she comes home with bagfuls of shit that was “off list” and many things that were on the list…are not to be found.


Southern Sage says: LoL well don't fret my bride can't do it either. Its easy just go get whatcha need then leave. I hate being in there too, undisciplined kids, people not paying attention etc. So I can't wait to be gone from there.


Are there important things you need to know? You best believe that the Hot Dads can help. Drop us a question by posting them in the comments section or email them to tentcamper1 [AT] gmail [DOT] com

Caption Contest

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:20'Wife wanted'.. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anonymous

hehehe everyone has days like this!

and she cooks evidently!

Look at those puppies!!


That about sums it up!





Caption Contest! Come on gimmie something good! Leave your best in the comments!





You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years Then we met..

Henny Youngman


First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

Anonymous

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

hehe
well there ya go y'all hit up the caption contest. More Slides over in Sageville of course. I hope everyone has a groovy Easter and if you went to church house I hope it didn't cave in on anyone!!

Saint Sage is out!

Maintenance Man (Child)

I am not renowned for my hands-on skills.

In fact, most of my family and close friends would say that I was inept in the art of putting things together and fixing stuff.

All this in spite of me project managing my own self-build, and I even once put up a shelf that was reasonably straight.

There are correct though, I am a tad useless when it comes to graft with a modicum of craft. And I avoid doing these jobs as much as is physically possible, bribing and cajoling others to help me.

That, I am much better at.

Today I really had to give the garden an overhaul.

It was time.

The wind here had also battered a few things over the winter, so I needed to do some maintenance of some other outside stuff too.

My gentle coaxing today got my mother to mow the lawn, my father to trim the edges, and I even got the pensioner from across the road to trim my hedge.

Coaxing is my bag.

Colostomy is probably his (my neighbour) .

I have also started training the boy, so my upkeep schedule can be further shared.

Check him out.



Available at a reasonable price.

With Daddy's 20%, obviously.

When You Can't Coach

I sucked as a soccer coach. I volunteered to be in charge of a team of eight boys playing six-on-six soccer (they were 5 year-olds). Even with my soccer-playing older daughter giving me tips, I managed to lead the team through a season where we lost every game. (Hey, no one keeps score at that age, right? Um... ok.)

Thankfully, the next time I coached, I was paired with a dad who was such a good athlete, his jersey was retired in high school. (I think my school retired a TI-55 calculator in honor of me.) We led our team of boys to an undefeated season and league championship. (Damn straight, we kept score!)

Okay, so I rode that dad's coattails to coaching glory. I've since retired from the youth sports coaching ranks. I went out a winner! (My son thinks that's funny. He takes it all with a grain of salt, and ribs me about our losing season.)

I believe it's important for every parent to show their kids they have a passion and talent for something. Whether that's soccer, camping, fishing (I love TentCamper's big catch), cycling (here I am with Lance Armstrong at the Tour of California), cooking (I hold the patent on the worlds best hamburger recipe), stamp collecting, robotics (the science fairs at our local school are quite competitive), knitting, rescuing animals, whatever - I think kids benefit when they see their parents engaged with life, even more so when the parent can share those experiences with their kids. (As a coach, mentor, etc.) Kids like to know their parents are good at something.

For me and my son, that connection has come through music. My dad played trumpet, I played trumpet, my son plays trumpet. For years, I gave him trumpet playing tips to help him excel and stand out. Things were going great. So much so, the school band director said my son had chops and was ready for a real private teacher.

At first, I hated the idea of being replaced as his trumpet teacher. Granted, I was a too lax with him. I taught him all the cool stuff (how to hit high notes, and how to twirl his trumpet like he was in the Earth Wind and Fire horn section), and none of the boring technical stuff. I knew he'd benefit from someone teaching him a more disciplined approach. I hired a teacher.

My son really enjoys his trumpet lessons. He's improving as a musician every single week. And the cool thing for me, I haven't been left out.

At the end of each lesson, his trumpet teacher and I start talking shop. We trade knowledge about mutes and mouthpieces, share stories about gigging, reminisce about songs we've both played, swap anecdotes about cool cats we've hung with (yeah, he talks like that), name-drop like crazy about famous musicians we've met, tell funny stories about playing in a band that only other musicians would relate to. The trumpet teacher and I are part of an ad-hoc fraternity that anyone who has ever played an instrument beyond high school can relate to.

My son sits and listens to these war stories with a smile on his face. Maybe he's looking forward to his own future experiences.

Or maybe he thinks his dad is pretty cool.

David Mott authors the blog Dad's House - Dating and Parenting by a Single Dad.

The Marriage Contract

Well I have posted this on my blog way back yonder and it was a big hit and I was asked about it recently I relinked it and again folks liked it. I figured I'd post it here, hell if it helps one person then it will be worth it.

** Note. It is not the content in the contract that is important it is the method and the thought of it that is. I realize that many of you would not take her deal or mine. The contract will of course be different for each and every coupling. Obviously my contract is much much longer than what is listed here, though it didn't go into the minutia it does cover almost everything. Also, situations change so writing and absolute contract would never work, anyway here ya go.

Well I asked a while back about what to blog about and some of the things were my takes on things.
The thing I get asked about the most in real life is the marriage contract.
The Marriage Contract is something I thought up before I got married and has served me well for however long I have been married, 10-13 years. It is very simple and positive to make marriage easier if both people are honest about what they write into the contract. I think unmarried folks should think about this. ( I wrote this post way back and haven't posted it, but just last week my buddy was over planting a dove field and he was talking about it, about me meeting with his bro and his fiancee, my buddy of course had all the details pre-wedding and of course didn't do it but is now the biggest promoter of it!)

I get questioned about it all the time and inevitably folks don't follow through with it and then in 3 years when they are bitching about their marriage and I ask about the contract they just say man I should have done it.

The contract came about because my married friends were always bitching about he doesn't do this, she won't do that and always ended up with if i'da known he/she was going to act like this/that or the other I'd have run her/his ass off before we married.

People always see the wonderful, great stuff about being married, its all going to be beer and wings then when they get married they see that the shit is tough. So I was trying to address the little shit before I said I would. See the bride had been after me to wed her for about 8 of the 10 years we courted, so I got to studying on it and decided if we could agree then I would. See in my mind a wedding is nothing more that a business deal. The problem being that most folks don't lay out the terms of the deal prior to shaking on it. I have been in several partnerships and in each we broke the deal down to the smallest details before doing anything, that way everyone knew where they stood.

So here is how it went down.

I said ok you wanna get married, suits me. Go get 2 trapper keepers and come up here to the table. She did and she sat on one side and I sat on the other. I said ok, I want you to write down everything you intend to do in this marriage and I will do the same.

We did that.

then I said ok, next page.
Now you write everything you believe I should/will do in this marriage and I will do the same.
We did that.

Then we looked and compared both. We tried to merge them and saw some sticking points, we discussed them one at a time. So then we went back and re-wrote them and merged them and discussed, re-wrote, merged, discussed. This went on for about 2 days. Just conversing, not fighting.

What we came up with was the marriage contract.
I have it still and have had to bust it out 3-4 times but usually when we start arguing if it was something addressed in the contract it kills that right now.

The contract reads something like this (each point is spelled out on the contract but it would be the longest post in history if I typed it all):

I have zero responsibility in the house. I don't clean, wash, sweep, vacuum, or any other thing in the house. I do not cook, help cook, clean up cooking stuff. I do not wash, dry or fold clothes. I do zero household chores.

I do haul the trash (yeah I live in BFE we haul our trash off)
I do mow the grass
I do yard work but not pertaining to the 9765446898 plants she has out there.

She is expected to do nothing in the yard
She is not expected to earn any income, ever.
She is never expected to be employed ever.
She is not expected to handle investments but is expected to pay the bills (actually write the checks out).
She is expected to keep the house tidy (not spic and span)
She is in charge of all spending, but I retain veto power on any spending. (she is damn sure the best purchasing department in the history of mankind, she can by god spend some damn money)
She tends the brood ( I have changed diapers though twice, one per rugrat.)

If she denies me relations 3 days in a row (initial wording was 3 times in a row but we changed it because she was complaining if I got morning sex I would ask 3 times before lunch) then I have a get outta jail free card.
If I ever turn her down once then she has one.

It is my responsibility to ensure she has adequate transportation and to keep said vehicle maintained. I am responsible for making sure all needed things like planning for our economic future, making sound financial decisions, doing a monthly budget with her every month, everything except insurance she handles that because I hate insurance second only to taxes.

Of course shit comes up that isn't addressed but most things are covered under some section of the contract. I had never heard, and still haven't, of anyone else pimping this plan. It really has worked well. If both folks are honest about things, then you can handle shit pre-fuck up. In the least it allows you to prove someone said they would do something.

I know one other guy that has done it and he also raves about it. Hell you might even find out you should run like you are on fire from whoever is sitting across the table!!


That is pretty much it. It is spelled out in far greater detail in the contract but thats the crux of it. The best part of it is it was agreed upon prior to any formal partnership. Everyone knows what to expect so the surprises are few.

The damnedest thing about it is she thinks she won.

There ya go. Not heard on Dr. Phil, Dr. Laura or Okra!

Discuss.