Tribute to Snooty Bitches

     Partly due to an extremely busy life the past couple of months, I have been dragging my ass about posting on HotDads. Then on Friday, I was called on to the Daddy carpet (good-naturedly), and encouraged to post by some Hot Dad loyalists before my lazy ass was shown the door.
     All that being said, here I am with my tale...and for those of you who know me, this is my Tuesday Tribute to a couple of snooty bitches I met yesterday who ultimately I discovered could not be counted on for a shred of humanity.

You see, my beautiful wife and I are in month 6 of looking for acceptable bedding to adorn our chamber of love, or as I am proud to call it, "The Speed Zone". We have exhausted thousands of stores in search of appropriate comforters/sheets/etc to set the stage, and have not found anything that would stand up to our lifestyles. Make all the assumptions you want.

So in an effort to maximize some daylight hours while the kids napped, I ran out to Costco to grab a couple of deckchairs, and then headed to a store we had not explored yet, at the request of my wife, called Hemispheres.

In my hurry to leave the house, I had quickly thrown on a pair of shorts, a tshirt my wife had just purchased for me, and thrown a fleece on top. Grab my flipflops, and run. With all the hauling of deckchairs around Costco, I was rather warm once I got back out to the car, so I removed my fleece. Drove to Hemispheres. Hop out of the car, head into what turned out to be the Nirvana of Duvets.

So, in I go. Tshirt, shorts, flipflops, and a fat wallet, ready to spend whatever necessary to euthanize Sheetsearch 2008-9. This being a high end furniture store in a bad economic climate, I am instantly assaulted by two salesbeauties ready to service my every retail need. And I mean, I'm excited. Not only because I am already seeing bedding that looks like it is gonna be a winner with the real decision maker, but also because the staff and customers in this place seem to rival the Hollywood elite. As crappy as I look in my torn cargo shorts and brand spankin' new rocker tshirt, I know there's a good chance that now I am around the pretty people,  my look may be interpreted as trendy instead. Lookin' good, sir.

The plastic people ask if I need help, give me a coupon flier, and quickly retreat from me. Hmm...odd, thought they'd be pushier. Check my pits for offending aroma, and continue with my search.

Got a question...call over Barbie. She doesn't look too taken with me, must be the wedding ring. Because I look SWEET, and I've got cash dollas to spend, yo.

Another question...kinda feel like I have to drag the gal over this time. What the hell? Honey, I may not be 185 anymore, but I am LOVED in Belgium, AND I'm a Hot Dad. Might be overestimating my chub-ass in these cargo shorts.

Final question...can't even get the gals to leave the counter for this one...and my self confidence is now circling the toilet bowl. But I have great news for the wife, so I'm headed home.

When I emerge from the car and begin unloading chairs, my wife walks up. She takes one look at me, and with a grimacing smile, she says "Oh honey, you're gonna be so embarrassed."

She points at my shirt.



You see, I'm a Hot Dad. And I'm bringin' sexy back to retail.

And to you snooty bitches, this Tuesday Tribute is for you. Next time, how 'bout fucking saying something? Pretend that even though you're 75% plastic, that you still have a heart under all that glitter lotion and silicone. In this emaciated economic climate, you just lost a customer. I will never again set foot in your store.

I mean, after we buy your fucking comforter.

Lessons learned

Things I've learned in the 8+ yrs I've been a dad...

• Be a good husband. Show his mom respect at all times
• Teach him to keep a secret
• Set a strict bedtime as he's growing up. Boys need their sleep
• Let him know that he's never too old to take a nap
• Don't let him sleep in your bed, even if he's scared or sick. Sleep on the floor in his room
• Teach him to garden. It involves 3 things boys love- dirt, digging, and water hoses
• Accept the fact he just might play with dolls. It's no big deal
• Ask him what he did today. Listen to his answers
• Teach him how to dial 911, when and why
• Show him how to throw a punch. Then raise him to never start a fight. And teach him to walk away
• Take him on hikes and show him how to ford a stream. Let him get wet and dirty
• Let him hang out with you. Remember, he has to be around you, to learn what being a man is all about
• Reassure him he won't die if he spills a little blood
• Take your son to work with you every once in a while. Pay as much attention to him as you do other people in the office
• Tell him sometimes you're wrong
• Give him responsibility
• Make sure he knows he's always safe at home
• Don't tolerate temper tantrums. Not now. Not when he's 15. The world won't
• Scream at him and you will raise a screamer
• Don't let him quit out of frustration. He won't learn anything
• His favorite game for a long time will be playing with you. Be available, even when you're tired. Even when the presentation went south. Be available
• Insist he play outside a lot. It's much healthier than watching TV or playing computer games
• Never forget that you can't hug or cuddle or kiss a young boy too much
• Never tell him boy don't cry. Ask him why he's crying
• Teach him to respect authority but not to be in awe of it
• Encourage friendships with the white kid, the black kid, and the oriental kid who can barely speak English
• Don't forget the point of sports when you're a kid is to have fun
• Last but not least: Teach him that he can pick his friends and he can pick his nose but he can't pick his friends nose! Bwahaha...
  

That's all for now.
[Many of these were taken from "Father to Son: Life lessons on raising a boy" by Harry Harrison. I'm not smart enough to learn all of this on my own.]

Ask the Hot Dads - Week 3 update

The Hot Dads have enjoyed dropping our science on you for the past few weeks. You worked us hard, so this week let's just say we're in our refractory period. We'll be back next week with fresh knowledge all cooked up for you.

While we wait this is your chance to tell us what you wanna know. We fear no subject. We will answer anything and rock your world doing it. Relationship questions? Take a peek into the minds of guys. Want to know something specific about the Hot Dads? We're here for you. Go ahead...you know you want to.

Sunday Slides, Funny, Caption Contest

The Cowboy Boots
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping

One of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still

Didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on,

She had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,

They're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough,

They were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than

It was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as

Together they worked to get the boots back on, this time

On the right feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?', like she wanted to. Once again, she

Struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little

Feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she

Mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle

The boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your Mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

1. Male Brain


2. Female Brain

haaaaaaaaa thats funny right there! And true!

3. hehe and no bitching either!
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "what's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago, I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."



4. I don't know where this is but I need to go there for sure.



5. Who needs a woody?


Caption contest...............


No mom you'll like him! I promise he is soooo cool! Just like dad!

Well there ya go. Steal the jokes or the pictures or whatever, give us your best shot at the caption.
More slides in Sageville of course.

Comment, comment on my blog...Who's the hottest of them all?

While looking at our track record of posts and comments, it surprised me to find that there are 2 Hot Dads that have not posted anything yet and 3 that have only posted one time.

I am asking for your support here….beg these guys to get with the program and prove their hotness. Go to their blogs and harass them. Ladies…maybe you could bribe them for me….send them some sexy pics or something. I kind of think that me sending a pic of my ‘tent pole’ would have quite a negative effect.

The following is the latest in statistics for Hot Dad posts and comments:

TentCamper / BedsideTalesMan – 27 Posts with a total of 356 Comments

Southern Sage – 10 Posts with a total of 154 Comments
Daddy Geek Boy – 5 Posts with a total of 112 Comments
Irish Gumbo – 4 Posts with a total of 72 Comments
Coachdad – 4 Posts with a total of 67 Comments
Trooper Thorn – 4 Posts with a total of 58 Comments
Hubman – 4 Posts with a total of 41 Comments
Cameron – 3 Posts with a total of 74 Comments
Russ – 3 Posts with a total of 46 Comments
Dadshouse – 2 Posts with a total of 44 Comments
Single Parent Dad – 2 Posts with a total of 26 Comments
LiteralDan – 1 Post with a total of 16 Comments
Always Home and Uncool – 1 Posts with a total of 13 Comments
cIII – 1 Post with a total of 16 Comments
Heinous – 0 Posts with a total of 0 Comments
Halftime Lessons – 0 Posts with a total of 0 Comments

Regardless….I’d like to thank all of these HOT contributors…especially that sexy TentCamper guy...c'mon...say it! What's my name bitch?

I am showing my link love…so the least you can do is show us all some comment love…or your boobs!

MILFy is...Hot Boobs Or A Great Ass?

OK…so I posted this the other day on I Pee In The Wind and after the comments started rolling in…I thought that I should re-post it with some clarification.

I am talking about that ONE physical attribute on a women’s body that gets your blood moving. Come on ladies, you can play too. I KNOW that you find the woman’s body attractive. (c’mon…say that you don’t. I knew that you couldn’t)

I can also tell you another way that I know that women find women hot… when you are walking with your man (or woman) and you are about to walk by someone that you think is hot, you automatically watch us out of the corner of your eye…to see if we are going to check them out.

I love every part of a woman…shit…that’s not true. I HATE feet. But besides that, it’s all good. I can be an ass man and still love tweaking nipples and playing with fun bags.

So once again...

As with all living things…we as humans have types. By type I mean that thing we say when describing qualities that attract us to one another. Let me rephrase that…”I am an ass man.” I say that because saying “I am a lips man” or “I am an eyes man” sounds kind of …un manly. Those are, in fact, the three physical attributes in a woman that can make me come to attention…so to speak.

*To Mariah: You have incredible eyes and lips and if I go more than a few hours without inappropriately staring at your ass…or giving it a good slap…I get the shakes and go into withdrawals.

OK…back to my pre-disclaimer thought. I think that I’d say I like butts and lips evenly and eyes come in a close second. If you have all three (like my baby) consider yourself special.

Don’t get me wrong ladies, I know that what is on the inside is more important and looks only get you so far…yada yada. I am NOT talking about love…nor even wanting to strike up a conversation with anyone. Just that thing that catches your eye at first glimpse. You ladies have it too…buff chest, six pack abs…a large bulge in the pants, etc. You know…that thing that lets us know that we are still alive.

I am not sure, nation-wide…or world wide where I’d fit in the percentages…Are there more ass men than boob men? Speaking of boob men…they are kind of funny. The boob men that I know are like scavengers, in my book. It seems that they look at every set that walks by. Big, small, real, fake, firm and perky, droopy and low…all of them. Maybe some guys become boob men because it is the easiest part of a woman’s body to see. To get a good read on an ass takes the right angle, the right outfit…and even then you sometimes never know.

**another disclaimer – after checking out Google Analytics, it seems that the terms Boobs, Hot boobs and MILF tend to send a lot of traffic my way. Anyway, with asses it is different, at least for me. I don’t like NOR LOOK AT; XL, inverted, slanty, extra wide, too high or too low butts. I like a butt with some meat…making it a nice ‘round mound of fun’ I’d post a picture of Mariah’s sexy ass for you to all check out but Webster’s has a copyright of the image for their new dictionary.

See what kind of nonsense looking at Analytics can make people write?

Anyway…What is the ONE thing ??????

Where Are The Settings For The Body Clock?

This morning (Sunday) we had the switching of time here, as we lost an hour as we sprang forward into summer, for British Summer Time.

Get the barbeque out.

But don’t forget the patio heater too.

I’ve never really understood, like most of the northern hemisphere, why there is a need to change the clocks, as to best use the daylight hours that we get.

I mean, if the industry you’re in can make better use of starting the day earlier, then start the day earlier, and vica-versa.

No need for us all, and all our clock bearing devices, to be updated.

My weekend was further complicated by the fact that technology appears to be in a bit of a limbo, and that I needed to rely on it to make our Sunday our success.

See my son had been invited to two parties, and then there was an event at his proposed school in the afternoon.

It was all set up quite nicely, an early start, but all these activities were lined up nicely for an action packed day.

The first party was due to start at 10:00, at a place about 20 minutes by car away. Working backwards this meant we had to be up two hours before to give me enough time to get us both washed, dressed and fed breakfast.

08:00 on a Sunday would be a lie in, no need for an alarm clock.

But as we were losing an hour, 8 actually became 7 and we did indeed need an alarm call, just in case we slept passed that hour.

My alarm setting dilemma was if my phone would auto-update the time, thus I could set that alarm for 8 to get 7, if you get my drift.

I wasn’t sure, so I also set my archaic radio alarm for 07:00 as I knew that wouldn’t auto-update.

As it happens, both alarms went off at the appropriate times, and we were both up anyway.

I was also pleased we had such a busy day, as I hoped it would tire my boy out more than usual, so I could get him into bed an hour before he went yesterday, regardless of what his R2-D2 clock said.

I’ve been met half-way, and will be interested to see what time ‘we’ are up tomorrow.

Whatever time it is I hope it isn’t cold, that reminds me, I must go change the times on our under-floor heating and conventional heating systems.

Toodle pip.