Closing the Baby Shop, Part 3

Click here for Part 1

Click here for Part 2

The dreams started about a week before I was scheduled to have the procedure. Clearly, my subconscious was concerned about the vasectomy. In one dream, I sat in the waiting room indefinitely, thumbing over and over again through the only magazine they had—a dog-eared copy of Highlights for Children. In another, I had forgotten to wear sweatpants and briefs, as I had been instructed, and was forced to walk around pant-less, until WonderWife™ could bring me the garments. In the strangest one, Stephen Colbert was my doctor. His cocky attitude did not make for a great bedside manor.

During my consultation, I had been instructed to shave the night before the surgery. This was a surprise. I had listened to many anecdotes about vasectomies and none of them included self-shaving. Nonetheless, I arrived home from work that night and headed into the bathroom, armed with determination, electric clippers and my Gillette Fusion.

I had not been given specific shaving instructions and as I stood in the bathroom, pants around my ankles, I realized that I had no idea what area they wanted shaved. It’s not like there’s any resource for this. I certainly wasn’t going to Google “male scrotum shave”. So I decided that the best thing to do was to get rid of it all.

Admittedly, I had been rather lax about my manscaping over the past few months, so things were more unkempt down there than usual. Shaving myself was a perilous process that took a lot of time, nearly half a can of shaving cream and two blades. At first I worried about cutting myself, but soon realized that was a ridiculous notion. No small nick would compare with punishment that my boys were going to face the next day.

I finished up, toweled myself off and called out to WonderWife™, who was kind enough to preserve my dignity by giving me privacy during this ordeal. Though I’m sure she was giddy with curiosity to see the result. She raced in and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh. My poor balls looked pathetic and bare, like a naked mole rat. My boys hadn't looked like this since I was 11.

One of the major complaints guys have about vasectomies is that they diminish one’s manhood. I was beginning to see why. I was not looking forward to how it was going to feel when things down there started to grow back.

"There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum...it's breathtaking." - Dr. Evil

To be continued...

-DGB