Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Tribute to Snooty Bitches


     Partly due to an extremely busy life the past couple of months, I have been dragging my ass about posting on HotDads. Then on Friday, I was called on to the Daddy carpet (good-naturedly), and encouraged to post by some Hot Dad loyalists before my lazy ass was shown the door.
     All that being said, here I am with my tale...and for those of you who know me, this is my Tuesday Tribute to a couple of snooty bitches I met yesterday who ultimately I discovered could not be counted on for a shred of humanity.


You see, my beautiful wife and I are in month 6 of looking for acceptable bedding to adorn our chamber of love, or as I am proud to call it, "The Speed Zone". We have exhausted thousands of stores in search of appropriate comforters/sheets/etc to set the stage, and have not found anything that would stand up to our lifestyles. Make all the assumptions you want.

So in an effort to maximize some daylight hours while the kids napped, I ran out to Costco to grab a couple of deckchairs, and then headed to a store we had not explored yet, at the request of my wife, called Hemispheres.

In my hurry to leave the house, I had quickly thrown on a pair of shorts, a tshirt my wife had just purchased for me, and thrown a fleece on top. Grab my flipflops, and run. With all the hauling of deckchairs around Costco, I was rather warm once I got back out to the car, so I removed my fleece. Drove to Hemispheres. Hop out of the car, head into what turned out to be the Nirvana of Duvets.

So, in I go. Tshirt, shorts, flipflops, and a fat wallet, ready to spend whatever necessary to euthanize Sheetsearch 2008-9. This being a high end furniture store in a bad economic climate, I am instantly assaulted by two salesbeauties ready to service my every retail need. And I mean, I'm excited. Not only because I am already seeing bedding that looks like it is gonna be a winner with the real decision maker, but also because the staff and customers in this place seem to rival the Hollywood elite. As crappy as I look in my torn cargo shorts and brand spankin' new rocker tshirt, I know there's a good chance that now I am around the pretty people,  my look may be interpreted as trendy instead. Lookin' good, sir.

The plastic people ask if I need help, give me a coupon flier, and quickly retreat from me. Hmm...odd, thought they'd be pushier. Check my pits for offending aroma, and continue with my search.

Got a question...call over Barbie. She doesn't look too taken with me, must be the wedding ring. Because I look SWEET, and I've got cash dollas to spend, yo.

Another question...kinda feel like I have to drag the gal over this time. What the hell? Honey, I may not be 185 anymore, but I am LOVED in Belgium, AND I'm a Hot Dad. Might be overestimating my chub-ass in these cargo shorts.

Final question...can't even get the gals to leave the counter for this one...and my self confidence is now circling the toilet bowl. But I have great news for the wife, so I'm headed home.

When I emerge from the car and begin unloading chairs, my wife walks up. She takes one look at me, and with a grimacing smile, she says "Oh honey, you're gonna be so embarrassed."

She points at my shirt.



You see, I'm a Hot Dad. And I'm bringin' sexy back to retail.

And to you snooty bitches, this Tuesday Tribute is for you. Next time, how 'bout fucking saying something? Pretend that even though you're 75% plastic, that you still have a heart under all that glitter lotion and silicone. In this emaciated economic climate, you just lost a customer. I will never again set foot in your store.

I mean, after we buy your fucking comforter.

66 comments:

Sera said...

AWESOME post, Jay. True Jay style, right there. Sorry they were so mean to you. Maybe they WERE smiling and friendly, but their faces are incapable of forming an actual smile - like Joan Rivers, ya know? Loved it.

Dory said...

Snooty bitches INDEED. *hmphs*

Dory

Single Parent Dad said...

Isn't that the cool way to wear Abercrombie and Fitch?

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Ah, Who the heck hasn't done that one? I would have told you about it real casual like or just reached over and ripped it right off.

Snooty bitches.

Susan said...

Come on .......now WHO hasn't that happened to, right?????? .... oh...not me, that's who! HYSTERICAL! Good luck on the purchase.

Jenn@mylifewiththecrazies said...

OMG... Sorry honey... You ARE a HOT DAD BUT... I am laughing my ass off... which of course is what you intended... and thats awesome! I totally did that w/ a pair of jeans once but my kids caught me before I walked into the store... thank god for nosey kids!!! Love ya... HYSTERICAL!!!

Three under Three said...

too funny! snotty bitches suck.

Megryansmom said...

Well, at least your fly wasn't open. Happy Tuesday!

Sass said...

That was a great post!

Thanks for a laugh!

Beth said...

You make a tag look better than Minnie Pearl did! Just sayin.

hip chick said...

O.K. that was pretty funny. But, I would totally get the cool comforter before you boycott thier store!

Jenners said...

This is the Jay we know and love! This was great ... and if it was an XXXL, then maybe they would've been reminded of porn movies and gotten a little more interested! And I so relate to epic quests for miscellaneous household items...we've been on more than a few and they suck big time!

Brooks said...

totally funny. you should tell the manager about the snooty bitches and tell them that you demand a discount and then boycott them. At least then you'll get something out of it besides an over priced comforter!

Amber said...

Hahaha...just more of you to love right?
Yeah, I'd be mad if no one told me I was wearing a tag like that on my shirt.

Straight to Your Hart said...

Well since you did call us a female dog on your site...bark..bark (think I'm the yappy kind...LMAO...at 6 in the morning...who needs a cup o Jo in the am with tributes like that..

Do they not understand you were incognito..crap... They haven't figured it out with me either..maybe it's the not shampooing the greasy hair..ewww..giggle

Giving the bird...tweet, tweet (to them that is)...were you looking for titanium sheets...all that rough housing can be a Beotch on 330 count sheets!:):):)

Ashley said...

Awesome story - well told, well received. I LOLed multiple times. :)

Blonde Goddess said...

Something similar happened to me but it was with a young stud, who thought he was the cat's meow.

I kicked up a leg and farted.

I have no shame.

By the way, you can get a roll of heavy plastic at the hardware store for about ten bucks. We reuse it. Saves on the sheets and comforter set.

Bee and Rose said...

Oh Jay...I think you were just wanting them to notice your "buffness"...right? I mean, there's no way they thought you were some homeless dude who stole that shirt to put on just to come in and flirt with the salesbeauties, right?

Stellar post from a super Hot Dad!

Kelly said...

Snooty Bitches indeed! I worked retail for a long time and had no problem telling people that they left the size stickers on their clothes. It happens more than you think! Do they have a web site so you can order from there instead of giving the store a sale? Just an idea....

angie said...

I'm sorry they weren't very nice to you.

I can't get over the fact that you are the final decision maker in your bedding purchase. :)

Kim said...

Hilarious!!!

Halftime Lessons said...

angie- of course I have last say on the bedding...if I can't stand the sheets I can't concentrate. ;-)

Colleen - Mommy Always Wins said...

HA HA HA HA HA!

LOVE that!

At least you're not an XXXL...

Alisha said...

LMAO! I almost choked on my apple reading that. That shirt makes you one HOT DAD! haha!

Philly said...

Good one!!

Under the Influence said...

Ok, I am in awe that your wife even trusts you to LOOK at ideas for bedding, let alone make the purchase. I am afraid what I would end up with if I assigned that task to my husband. Besides, he would probably faint from the pressure...

Maybe the snooty bitches were staying away because they were snickering behind your back and they just couldn't face you. True sign of a bitch, you know, snickering behind your back.

MindyMom said...

That's a good one. And I SO would have said something - or just casually taken it off for you!

Carissa(GoodnCrazy) said...

2 F bombs in the same post. I guess you were peeved huh? i can't quite tell though.. for sure...??

I'm laughing for your though. Cuz I've NEVER done something like that..

Oh wait just the other day I left a tag on a shirt and the dental hygienist asked if i wanted it removed.

So go to the Dentist for less snootiness. Amen.

Not a soccer mom said...

ok ok I did giggle a little when I saw the picture. That is really cute.
I am the girl who always says something. I flick the lint off of anyone, stranger or not, man or woman, boss or subordinate.
I cannot believe they didnt say anything!
I think you should go back in, and pull imaginary toilet paper off thier asses

jsprik said...

jay, baby, i'm laughing WITH you, not AT you.....you are laughing, aren't you?!? great post...hope you saw mine today!!

nicole said...

Awesome. I hate our bedding. And I hate looking for bedding. I would have just pulled the sticker off and not said a word.

TentCamper said...

Great post Jay..."Welcome!"

I hate those snooty ass salespeople. There are some very trendy retail storesright near where I live and we sometimes walk up the street and browse around. I am lucky if I don't get followed around the store. They think that because I wear cargos and flip flops, I am some sort of punk with no money. ASSHOLES!!!!

Saundra@ItalianMamaGoneCrazy said...

If I had a nickel for everytime my hubby did that!!!

I'd move out!

Classic funny!

Scandalous Housewife said...

Oh Hot Daddio,
Did they make you feel like Julia Roberts when she went shopping on Rodeo Drive in 'Pretty Woman'? (I mean, except for the hooker part).

LeAnna said...

bahahaha...That is SO funny! I may be a bitch, but I would have told you you had a size sticker on your shirt, just so I could laugh! Great post!

Red from Ktown said...

Hey! Funny read. Now you need to describe the comforter/nirvana set for us! Pictures!

Don't feel bad. I've done that....only with a pair of new hot 'skinny jeans'...but MY size sticker just happened to be on my right thigh & ass!!

Count yourself lucky! LOL.

Tony@ That One Paticular Harbor said...

Hey brother Don't feel bad. I've done that. And guess what I could care less. Loved the post pal.

Candice said...

You should go back in there with that sticker over your crotch. You might get more help at that point.

Fucking hilarious!!

You're wife is a sweetheart. I would have pissed myself laughing (complete with snorting) and after I caught my breath, I would have told my husband that he's a complete dildo for going out in public like that. ;)

Love you Jay!

Tsquared417 said...

That made me laugh out loud. I had to enlarge the picture to see what was so funny. That's classic.

Sheri and George said...

That is just too funny for words Jay! LMAO! I can't believe one of them snooty bitches didn't reach over and rip that tag right off there.
Great post as always.
Hope you went back and bought the bedding- just be sure to take the tags off there before you jump in. That could do some major damage!

Cameron said...

I'm surprised the ladies at the store weren't more helpful, especially with the discreet way in which you revealed the size of your manhood. Good read!!

The Lucky Mrs. T said...

Great post! I am just in shock that you went to buy bedding... the rest is icing on the cake!

AlmightyHeidi said...

GREAT SITE

~K~ said...

Hilarious! I hate snooty bitches! I would have laughed hilariously & pointed out that you were walking around with a sticker; you of course would have laughed right along with me. :)

Samantha said...

Too funny, and not at all hard to believe. You'd think they would jump for a chance at a commission, unless they are worried that their plastics will hit them in the eye...

Kristen said...

I love it! So when you go back in and buy the comforter...Please save the sticker and put it the shirt you wear there.

Heather of the EO said...

I didn't read all the comments, but I have to say I couldn't stop thinking about Pretty Woman while reading this...

you know, when she goes shopping and the snooty bitches won't help her...

Sorry.

Great post, Jay.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Totally.
Frakkin'.
Awesome.

Great post.

Sorry for your embarrassment, but we've all been there, right?

Sharlene said...

HILARIOUS! Living just outside of Snootville myself I encounter these bitches far too often. Since my bag doesn't say Prada on it (though it may have traces of kid vomit on it mixed with poptart. Unrelated) and my sunglasses don't say Juicy (which they did for about a week until some jackass stole them at California Adventure. My one and only chance at perscription cool) I am never given more attention than a chicken on Thanksgiving (justmade that one up. You like?). Whatever. Screw them. You are etra large and in charge baby!

dadshouse said...

What's that condom wrapper doing on your shirt?

XL XL XL ....

Rocksee said...

dang you are a hot dad!

Crafty Christina said...

Snooooty indeed!

skywind said...

Oh, you are so angry. Try you want the mood to relax yourself.
Health information
Humor & Fun World

jill jill bo bill said...

Why oh why can I NEVER be there for those happenings? DAMMIT!!!!! I would have peed myself and then they would have been nice to you. Maybe.

Jenni Jiggety said...

Oh noooooo!I think everyone has done that at least once in their life...or repetitively if you happen to be me!

LiteralDan said...

I think you should take this frustration and point it at where it belongs-- your wife. She should have had your back on this immediately, no matter how much she might whine that she didn't see it until then.

She probably slapped another one on your back while comforting you, to scare away the rest of the Barbie dolls.

Far be it from me to start up a fight among strangers, but I totally think you guys should fight about this.

Stethoscopes and Stilettos said...

When I enter a fancy store in my sweats or scrubs, I always wait for the nicest salesperson, and then spend my money with that person instead of the bitchy-ass clerk that barely greeted me. I love when they see the commission they missed out on, it makes me happy inside.

Elaine A. said...

Just don't buy it from one of those skanks, k?

I can't believe they didn't tell you. So NOT cool. Plastic bitches.

Alicia said...

Some days I would just love to punch a snoody bitch in the face! I LOVE this post Jay!

M said...

Great post!! You sure came back in style :)

Screw the snooty Barbies..

My thoughts on retail: If you can't get it at Rural King, it aint worth having.

Ann Westby said...

Hahaha! Oh, Jay. Been there! My husband is constantly calling me Minnie Pearl.

It's Just Me said...

Oh now that I am older I will call them on it to their managers - if they are REALLY horrible.

Why don't people speak up? One minute of embarrassment is so much better then thinking about it for days after!

I hope you post more, because this was wayyyyy funny!

Brittany said...

Ok, so maybe I have overreaction issues, but I would have totally said something to them. Most of the plastic ones can't compute confrontation, and you may even get a discount!

texasholly said...

The image I can't seem to get out of my head is how women who WORK at a chain store (CHAIN STORE!)in one of the scariest stripmalls (STRIPMALL!) in Lewisville (LEWISVILLE!) could possibly even THINK that they are too good to sell (SELL!) you a comforter.

Hmmm...that sounded a little snooty and bitchy...

Laura said...

ROFL! Great story. I saved my hubby yesterday from this same mistake but it was the size sticker on his new jeans. It would have been a laugh for all his co-workers!

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