Friday, April 17, 2009

Closing the Baby Shop, Part 3

Click here for Part 1

Click here for Part 2

The dreams started about a week before I was scheduled to have the procedure. Clearly, my subconscious was concerned about the vasectomy. In one dream, I sat in the waiting room indefinitely, thumbing over and over again through the only magazine they had—a dog-eared copy of Highlights for Children. In another, I had forgotten to wear sweatpants and briefs, as I had been instructed, and was forced to walk around pant-less, until WonderWife™ could bring me the garments. In the strangest one, Stephen Colbert was my doctor. His cocky attitude did not make for a great bedside manor.

During my consultation, I had been instructed to shave the night before the surgery. This was a surprise. I had listened to many anecdotes about vasectomies and none of them included self-shaving. Nonetheless, I arrived home from work that night and headed into the bathroom, armed with determination, electric clippers and my Gillette Fusion.

I had not been given specific shaving instructions and as I stood in the bathroom, pants around my ankles, I realized that I had no idea what area they wanted shaved. It’s not like there’s any resource for this. I certainly wasn’t going to Google “male scrotum shave”. So I decided that the best thing to do was to get rid of it all.

Admittedly, I had been rather lax about my manscaping over the past few months, so things were more unkempt down there than usual. Shaving myself was a perilous process that took a lot of time, nearly half a can of shaving cream and two blades. At first I worried about cutting myself, but soon realized that was a ridiculous notion. No small nick would compare with punishment that my boys were going to face the next day.

I finished up, toweled myself off and called out to WonderWife™, who was kind enough to preserve my dignity by giving me privacy during this ordeal. Though I’m sure she was giddy with curiosity to see the result. She raced in and tried unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh. My poor balls looked pathetic and bare, like a naked mole rat. My boys hadn't looked like this since I was 11.

One of the major complaints guys have about vasectomies is that they diminish one’s manhood. I was beginning to see why. I was not looking forward to how it was going to feel when things down there started to grow back.

"There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum...it's breathtaking." - Dr. Evil

To be continued...

-DGB

19 comments:

SciFi Dad said...

Dude... shaving your nads isn't embarrassing.

I can think of a hundred things worse than that.

Susan said...

Hell, my husband always says:

"The shorter the grass, the taller the tree looks."

Good luck - mine made it through fine. You'll be back to normal in no time!

Susan said...

Oh, and by the way when I said above "mine made it through fine"... I meant my husband... not mine as if "my balls"... I'm 100% ball less.

Didn't want to freak anyone out.

WonderWife said...

Oh, that photo was brilliant. Mo Willems does not do that little creature justice.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Sci Fi...When you're a fuzzy guy like me, having a big empty patch in the middle doesn't look stylish. Imagine shaving a bald spot on the belly of a teddy bear.

Amber said...

*snicker* naked mole rat...scary!

Your escalator operator said...

"half a can of shaving cream and two blades" ...

I'm not sure, but I think that's impressive. At least you're making sure that this whole endeavor helps the economy.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Escalator Operator's comment made me laugh.

I can't really offer up much for this one without it being weird. I imagine that was quite a long strange trip in the bathroom without the benefit of any kind of drug.

M said...

"Imagine shaving a bald spot on the belly of a teddy bear."

I think that gave me the biggest laugh of the whole story, lol.

The mental picture I'm getting...WOW.

LMAO!!

Bill said...

Hi i came here from Sandi "nothing of limits" site. I see that she has the hot mama award on her site. I ask her if i could use that because i have a couple of my friends i would like to give that to. She told me to talk to you guys. Is it ok?

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Bill...drop us a line at the email listed above with a link to the Hot Mama being nominated. We'll get our Hot Dad minds together on it.

Hubman said...

True story- I arrive on the fateful day, freshly shaven, just as you describe. I disrobe as requested and, ahem, assume the position in the procedure room. The nurse comes in to prep me before the doc arrives, folds down the drape over my man-bits, and 'examines' my work, running her fingers over my now smooth balls. Did I mention that the nurse is freakin' hot?

I had to tell her that if she touched me like that again we were going to have a situation!

Keely said...

Googling "male scrotum shave" and posting the results would have been a fanastic accompaniment to this hilarious part 3...

Anjeny said...

LMAO@naked mole rat..that was kind of a creepy image.

I'm sure that doc is very happy that you did pretty much most of his job for him...just saying.

Good luck!

It's Just Me said...

Now you are only experiencing a small portion of the torture women go through on a regular basis - with our appointments and procedures. I still think there is nothing hotter then a man who is willing to go under the knife for the betterment of his family.

Our sex life has never been better since - no worries - ever! it is great!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

LOL...OH MY GOSH Geek Boy...I'm sorry I'm laughing...as you probably don't need that...but I can just imagine my husband...

TWO BLADES...lol!

Sorry!

hehe

~*Jobthingy*~ said...

manscaping is good.. then there is no pause to pull hair out of your mouth.

Ronald10021 said...

Great post. Thanks.

Surfer Jay said...

You mean we're not suppose to shave our nads just for the hell of it?

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