Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Patented Anti-Viagra Device


I have a handful of patents to my credit, and still occasionally do patent searches. One such foray into the US patent database made me aware of a device so horrific in concept, so pain-stakingly designed, I felt it my duty to make the Hot Dads aware.

US Patent 587,994 - Surgical Appliance

Innocuous enough title, right? But just read from the specification...

The device is adjusted to the person by fitting plate A over the abdomen and securing it by belt B. The organ [ed. note: yes, that organ] is passed through the aperture a, which fits close up around the base [ed. note: yes, that base!], and this member [do I have to say it again?!] is then drawn down... and secured... The pricking-points [ed. note: ouch!] are adjusted so as to lie in such proximity above, though clear of, the organ, as may be found best.

The member [ed. note: yes, that member!], being drawn down held down in lip a', will as long as there is no excitement not be in contact with the pricking-points...

WTF! Talk about animal cruelty. And I'm not talking about wild animals. I'm talking about the animal known as Hot Dad (in esteem or potential). I mean, this is a surgical appliance to keep a guy from having an erection.

It's the anti-viagra device!

What happened to patents for spatulas and grills and awesome homemade hamburger recipes?

Thank God, this surgical appliance issued in 1897. The 20 year monopoly granted to the patent owner has expired.

Then again, there's patent 6736142: Protective Tube and Harness, a method to assure masculine chastity characterized in that the penis is bandaged with an adhesive tape, and the bandage is protected externally by a metallic tube.

That one issued in 2002, which means it's still in effect! Someone out there is sick.

I think it's time the Hot Dads take over the US Patent and Trademark Office, and put an end to beastly patents like these. Who's in?!

(This Hot Dads public service alert brought to you by Dad's House – Dating and Parenting by an Unchaste Hot Dad)

Thumbnail image of figure from US Patent 587,994
as found on the US PTO website.

17 comments:

Surfer Jay said...

Some digruntled housewife must have come up with that.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Okay, that's just creepy.

And you have patents (I clicked the link) that's pretty cool. I mean really, how many people can say they have patents? I think I actually even understood what they were for...

ChocDrop said...

I understand back in the day when these came about since sex was so taboo. But the fact that it is still in someway in existance is insane...

This is one of those times where something should be left in the closet....lmao

Canadian Bald Guy said...

This is scary as hell. Thanks for ruining my whole day, Dads.

Jeez...



LOL. Seriously. Don't ever frighten me like this again.

M said...

That made ME squirm just reading about it!

MindyMom said...

I'm just wondering what made you want to look into this!?
Yikes!

The concept certainly isn't doing any favors for women out there either. ;)

katherine. said...

soooo....since the patent has expired that means anyone of us who are handy at the workbench can whip up one of these little guys with what we have laying around out in the garage....right?

now I just gotta decide what to use for the pricking-points

hmmmmmm

Not a soccer mom said...

I dont even have a 'member' and my eyes are watering.
However my Engineer geek says it is sweet that I am not the only one geeky enough to puruse the patents. there are some fun apparatus in the patent world also.

Tyler - Building Camelot said...

I really didn't need to see that today. Now I'm going to walk around all day and be thankful that I don't have to worry about getting excited.

dadshouse said...

Katherine - yes, the patent expiration means the inventor no longer has a monopoly on the device. Though if you have materials like these to tinker with in your garage, I'm steering clear of your neighborhood!

As for why this one - it's a common example in patent literature of "funny" patents. "Creepy" is more like it!

{{ d a n i m o }} said...

these kinds of patents are a gross example of how something so natural as sexuality is constantly under attack. . . but at the same time, chastity belts for women were quite commonplace not long ago and folks turned a blind eye to how excruciatingly painful irreparably damaging they could be, so long as wives didn't satisfy their need for pleasure. just saying. ;)

Kat Wilder said...

I just keep thinking of the poor guy who invented the dang thing. Must of had a truly f@*ked up life!

Still, women do have an effect on men that must be contained ...
;-)

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I could have used something like that when I was a lost 12 year old boy, not in control of his hormones and asked to solve a math problem at the chalkboard in front of the class.

Janet said...

Wow, tantric sex and patents too? Honestly, you are kind of a badass. I'm off now to pore through those patents of yours and see what they're all about. :)

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I'm sorry...that's fUNNY!!! Nice find! LOL...

Amorous Rocker said...

That's kind of funny in a twisted way, lol. Ouch though! Eek. Makes you wonder who in the hell thought it up and why they even thought it would be a good idea.

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