Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Closing the Baby Shop, Part 4

I woke up the morning of the surgery, put on my tighty whiteys and sweatpants as instructed, and headed out into the frosty morning to get neutered. At the doctor’s office, I was outfitted in the classic open backed surgery gown and a pair of blue socks that had puffy paint treads on the bottom, similar to what can be found on the soles of the socks of my infant daughter. I was led to the operating room and left to wait, bare assed, blue bootied, shorn and nervous. Sitting next to me was a tray of shiny, sharp instruments, which I had been sternly warned by the nurse not to touch. As if I wanted to get up close and personal with the instruments of torture that were going to be used to slice open my anatomy.

I sat there for a while.

As the wise poet Tom Petty once said, the waiting is the hardest part. After nearly 20 minutes of solitude, the doc came in and asked me how I was doing.

“Have you ever had surgery before?” He asked in an all too chipper of a tone.

“Only above the neck,” I told him.

I was prepped, which consisted of the nurse reclining the table and ladling a brown liquid all over my crotch, and the party began. As he stood over my genitals, the doc made another crack about it being cold. I wanted to punch him in the back of the head. First off, it was cold. The nurse had even given me a blanket while I did my time in solitude before the surgery. Second, now was not the time to be insulting my manhood. My balls had pretty much figured out what was to come when their protective layer of hair was removed the previous evening. Everything had been shriveled down there for the past 12 hours. Third, you used that joke already during the consult. Time to get some new material.

I closed my eyes, plugged in my earbuds and the procedure began.

After all of the stories I had heard, the warnings from friends and the all of the nervousness leading up to the surgery, I can honestly say that the vasectomy wasn’t that bad. The worst pain endured was during the Novocaine injection, which felt exactly like what it was—a big needle being stuck into my scrotum. A shooting pain traveled from my left testicle to somewhere just above my crotch, like an electrical shock had overtaken one of my nerves. But this pain was fleeting and after it subsided I honestly couldn’t feel anything. The problem then became psychological. Even though you can’t feel it, you know what’s being done down there and no matter what, you cannot get that out of your head. I started to hyperventilate and I could feel my body temp rise. I flashed back to that Lamaze class that WonderWife™ and I had to sit through before the Bean was born. They said to breathe. I did and was amazed to learn that the stuff actually worked. In retrospect, WW™ probably should have used it during the births of our two children. However, as a result of the breathing, my throat got dry and I wanted to cough more than anything in the world. But I dared not for a single cough would cause the lower half of my body to shake. The same lower half that currently had some of its insides on the outside.

The procedure was soon over and as the table was raised, I was given a Dixie cup of the most delicious cold tap water I’ve ever had. The nurses slid a jock strap over my legs and around my waist in the exact same way that I put on the Bean’s underwear in the morning. I stood up adorned in the jock-strap (or, in the words of my take-home literature, my “scrotal support”), which accentuated the ass-less gown/bootie ensemble perfectly. Ladies, I was looking hot. They gave me two specimen cups, for my follow up visits, in a bag labeled “biohazard” and sent me on my way. A half-hour later I was in bed with a bag of frozen corn on my balls, eating a delicious peanut butter and jelly square that WonderWife™ had made for the occasion. (Have I mentioned how totally awesome that woman is?)

I would have gone to work the next day, except that I was inadvertently all fucked up on narcotics. After the procedure, the doc asked me if I wanted pain medication. The answer was a no brainier, “Yes.” I took the pill, Ultram, the afternoon after the surgery and felt fine until the next morning, when in the shower I realized that I felt both drunk and hung over at the same time. There was no way I was going to operate a motor vehicle or subject myself to the scrutiny of my colleagues and boss.

The day after that, however, I was amazed how much the pain had receded from my balls. I went back to work and only my boss knew of the real reason I had missed two days of work.

So that was it. I’ve been snipped. And it was much less of a big deal than I had imagined. I told a friend of mine about the surgery and he turned pale saying, “I feel like I’m chewing on tin foil.” But really fellas, we shouldn’t be melodramatic about this whole thing. Women have it so much worse.

Happily, it’s all over for me. After I clean out my system, I will hopefully be given the all clear from the doc and then I will be able to officially turn the sign on the front of the baby shop from “open” to “closed”.

Click here for parts 1, 2 and 3.

-DGB

22 comments:

SciFi Dad said...

Not to compare stories or compete, but the being awake part of the big V doesn't worry me... I was 100% awake while they drilled seven screws into my fibula.

But I hear you on the narcotics thing... they can really mess your head.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

All's well that end's well right? Or whatever you say in this situation. I do think you are pretty awesome for stepping up and having it done to save WW from having to take pills or whatever to prevent necessitating any more Lamaze breathing. Not many men would be willing to do it.
(I don't think so anyway.)

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

And I hope you threw out the bag of corn afterwards?? Yes?

Leanne said...

Good man yourself. I don't think there would be many willing to go through it either.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

SciFi...You are a braver man than I. Have you written about that?

Andrea...Thank you. And yes, that bag of corn has gone off to a better (or worse) place.

Leanne...I'm discovering amongst the guys I know that it's about 35/65. A few guys feel like I do and have been very curious about the whole thing (about 35%). But the guys who are not interested are REALLY NOT INTERESTED!

M said...

Loved this story!

I do think that men make too big of a deal about getting snipped, but what do I know, I have no balls that I'm aware of.

Me? I chose to take matters into my own hands and got my tubes tied/snipped/burnthemifyoumustbutmakesurenothingsgettingthruthosebabies during my last c-section.

I loved being pregnant (for the most part) and love little sweet babies, but I know my limit and four was IT.

Your escalator operator said...

Well ... congratulations? Glad you survived it so well, apparently. And nice job relaying the blow-by-blow. I'm suitably queasy, although just the thought of that peanut butter & jelly square is making me feel a whole lot better.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

They didn't give you a lollipop afterwards? What a gyp.

wenbren explains it all said...

hey! that was very brave! My husband refuses to get it he said no one is going to touch him LOL! Thanks for asking, and following, I will follow too! we don't know yet we are waiting and waiting.. no word yet..

Kim said...

Although I give you kudos for your bravery I'm sure you agree that it was your turn to do something! I'll have to make my husband read this in preparation for his big day in a few years.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

M...well, if they were in there anyway for the c-section, it's easier. I definitely wasn't going to have them cut open WonderWife™ just for this.

Escalator...Have some flattened Coke. It'll help settle the stomach.

Petra...No lollypop. But my wife took good care of me at home.

Wenbren...Tell your guy to man up. It's not nearly that bad.

Kim...Thanks. As I said in part one of this tale, my wife pushed out two babies (drug free). This was the least I could do.

Amber said...

Haha, you wore an assless gown with a scrotal support. Can imagine the flashes that one sent out. ;oD
Glad to read your survived, WTG!

Mama Kat said...

So this is where all the hot daddys hang out.

I've thought about making Pat go through this but I'm not sure I'm ready to make the no more babies commitment...and he's scared. I think I'll just continue refusing to have sex with him. Seems to be working...

Ronald10021 said...

I am nervous and excited for my doctor's appointment later this month, and have enjoyed this series of blog posts.

Another Suburban Mom said...

I am glad you survived the vasectomy. At least you got some awesome drugs out of it.

Sandi said...

yeah hubby is going to get this done. I am going to have to make the appointment I think because he won't pick up the phone. haha I would get the surgery but I had 3 surgies from 2007 to the beginning of 2008. I think I'm done with those for awhile.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Amber...Trust me, I was tasty as hell in that gettup.

MamaKat...Just let him know the faucet will be turned back on after the procedure.

Ronald...Thanks man.

ASM...It's all about the drugs. Well, that and gambling. And bacon.

Sandi...You totally deserve your break from them.

Paula said...

Glad you came through all healthy and fine. Sounds like WW has you well in hand and taking good care of you. Lucky you.. and her too that you are willing to take care of things. =]

Just Jules said...

See, this is the part hubby loved about the surgery - he felt it was my wifely part to make sure he "cleaned out the system" the required 12 or whatever made up number of times he told me so those little vials came up empty....

but, it was the least I could do ;)

JT said...

I followed you here from Offsprung to read all the juicy (?) details. Sounds like you have a really refreshing and healthy respect for what your wife has gone through, and I think you're to be commended for taking responsibility for the birth control issue.

I raised the subject of the big V with my husband some time ago (we now have three kids, and even my OB-GYN says to cut it out), and he said absolutely not. He uses religion as his excuse, but frankly I think he just really doesn't want anyone messing with the junk. Oh well.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Thanks JT. I (kind of) understand your husband's hesitation...but only to a point. After witnessing childbirth twice featuring a woman who didn't have any drugs, I can honestly say that us men have NOTHING to complain about when it comes to the big V.

A few minutes of fleeting pain, followed by a few days of mild discomfort equals me never having to use birth control again...? Totally worth it.

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