Friday, April 24, 2009

Sexual healing

I have a new hobby. I enjoy it. Immensely.

The other people who have to endure it while I am enjoying myself is a different story. For them, the three to five minutes must seem like an eternity. However, I could really care less.

I am just living the dream. Me, a microphone and a willing or even an unwilling audience is all I need.

Well, maybe one beer. When your as bad as I am, a little liquid courage never hurts. Who would have thought that partaking in Karaoke would be so much fun?

They say those who can do, and those who can't teach. Well, I am already a teacher. So, when it comes to singing, I pick songs that I have no business singing. If you can't do it, try and screw it up as much as possible is my philosophy.

Why take yourself seriously when you know you aren't any good? It's all about having fun and letting loose.

So, my song of choice? Clarence Carter's Strokin'. That's right. This 5-foot-7, 150-pounder sings a song sung by a big black man with a strong voice.

That's like Barry White singing Barry Manilow's Mandy. It doesn't work.

But, me impersonating Carter giving sexual tips? It doesn't get any better. The irony of it all... sex is something I vaguely remember.

But, I can sing about it.

"Let me ask you something...
How long has it been since you made love, huh?
Did you make love yesterday
Did you make love last week
Did you make love last year
Or maybe it might be that you plannin' on makin' love tonight"

It doesn't matter that I would have to answer no to all those questions. Well, last year... that would be yes.

No. What matters is that for the few minutes I am up there, I am making love with the microphone. And, it's good. Real good.

For me, at least. When your a single dad, sometimes that's as good as it gets.


Just Jules said...

Somehow this was funnier the second time around..... It makes my blogging day every time I see a new post by you Brett. Although I am married, you may be my blog crush.

tammy said...

The first couple of sentences still make me giggle.

Vanessa said...

I'd love to see you sing it live!

Amber said...

I'd pay to see that show!

Scandalous Housewife said...

2 things:
Special effects in the video are brilliant!

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't 'stroking' involve "self pleasure" with your hand?

Not a soccer mom said...

That is so funny- a man I dated, same stature as you describe, and a self-proclaimed cowboy, sang an unlikely but similar song.
Funky Cold Medina...and did a real good job to boot. you should try that one!
It is a great dance hit too.

ChocDrop said...

I agree liquid courage makes the whole thing even better. Karaoke is so much fun, mind you I have sang a handful of times. But the drink specials usually

dadshouse said...

I suck at Karaoke. That said, one night after a few martinis, I got on stage with eight other drunks to sing Pearl Jam's "Jeremy". The others on stage with me were so bad, I got really annoyed, in a way that only drunks can get annoyed. I grabbed one mic for myself, and channeled Eddie Vedder.

I must have been pretty good, because afterwards, every woman in the bar wanted to touch me.

Ah, the karaoke rock star life. Brought to me by several martinis and a crappy backup group.

Mother Goose said...

i have fun with karaoke perhaps a little too much and I especially love the drunks who adore my off key belting.
FUNKY COLD MEDINA!! Now, that's a song that brings back instant flashbacks.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I'm going to be honest...I've never heard this song!!! But I can only imagine what it would look like with someone doing Karaoke with it!!!

I love it and I don't even have to be under any kind of INFLUENCE.

I'm terrible... I'm sure...but whatever!!!

Amorous Rocker said...

Lol! This was funny. I love that song too.

I love doing Karaoke. I've even won some cash in a few contests because I can do the whole singing thing pretty well.

My favorite is to just watch though. Even if the person sounds horrid while they're singing, it's fun if they're SO into it. Like the ones who strut around acting like a rock star or the ones who have dance routines all planned out for it. So fun.

Ann said...

I love Clarence Carter!!! I have his Greatest Hits cd. It's so bad that it's good. As for Karaoke -There isn't enough liquid courage...

Kristen said...

First your post pissed me off. If only for reminding me how long it has been. I mean with someone else in the room. Then I played the video. I have never heard this song...and I love it. So I will no longer be mad at you. You are addition to being abstinate (though not by choice I'm sure).

Kristen said...

Can you post a video of you singing it? Pretty please?

M said...

Oh my gosh I love that song!!!

Every time it comes on it reminds me of the old guy that used to bartend here in town. He would get his skinny ole body up on the bar with the mike and give er everything he was AWESOME!

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