Spies, Code of Conduct and Boot Camp

It has become increasingly obvious to me that Mariah and I are going to have to sit down to reformulate our plan of attack with regards to the kids. The kids are all great and nobody is giving us any problems…as of now, but it is our goal to keep it that way.

The kids are all getting older and Mariah and I (unfortunately) continue to age as well…(I am even beginning to shrink!!) We want what is best for all of the kids and want them to grow, learn and conduct themselves in an age appropriate manner. Now the difficult part in this balancing act is that every child is different. Just because one 12 year old acts a certain way…doesn’t mean that every 12 year old should.

We try to push the kids to be ‘individual’ and to follow their instincts. We want them to feel comfortable being who they are…to a point. I do want our 10 year old to stop the baby talk, whining, going EVERYWHERE with the 4 stuffed animals and two little ‘blankies’ and drinking from a baby bottle…and I want our 18 year old to call to check in after school and ask before inviting 15 friends over at 9PM for a back yard party.

Now, with 6 kids ranging from 5 to 18, we have run into a sort of conundrum. House Rules. I am big on rules and consistency, while Mariah is big on individuality and reflection on her childhood. Both aspects are very important in operating a well-oiled family machine.

We have found it hard to have (and enforce) just one set of household rules. It would be ridiculous to have our 18 year old following the same rules as a 5 year old …or even 12 year old, yet where are the lines drawn? Do rules drop off as you get older?

I have thought that having House Rules that everyone abides by and a set of ‘Guidelines’ that drop off or get more flexible as a kid gets older. I, by no means, want to raise kids that are not allowed to make mistakes or make their own decisions…that would be just plain stupid…but at the same time the younger kids watch the elders and …want to act like them and have the freedom that they have.

We do not spy on the kids, nor do we overstep the bounds and get overly involved with the kids’ social lives…but we do have one or two kids in each of our children’s circle of friends that we know we can pry the truth from…our own little spy ring.

As I stated above, the kids are all great. They are honest, polite and are all doing exceptional in school. They all have great little groups of friends and have proven that they know right from wrong. BUT….they all seem to, from time to time, forget that we have rules….and they’ve completely forgotten what chores are.

With a 12 year old that ask to do or for something 500 times (instead of taking our first answer as ‘the ruling’), a 14 year old that ‘plays it by ear’ on a daily basis and ‘tells’ us what he is doing instead of asking…and an 18 year old that comes and goes, has boys sleep over and ‘forgets’ to check in on a regular basis….is making me think that we may all need to go back to family boot camp.

I feel as though I’ve been rambling in circles here so I am going to stop…the last thing that I am going to say is that I 100% endorse the notion that all children, no matter how old, need to know that they are not the boss…parents are and their rules and decisions need to be respected and not questioned or broken. I believe that it sends the message of security, strength and authority… and continues to teach them respect.

Ask Hot Dads

ZenMom asked:

1 - How do you make financial decisions at your house? Is someone "in charge"? Do you work them out together? Does who is earning more (or all) of the money factor into it? Ok, that's really, like, four questions. But, you get the idea.

TentCamper says: I can say that …with the limited funds that we have at the moment…we make 90% of the spending decisions together. BUT, I am 100% in control of fire wood and math homework help. Who needs more control than that?!

DaddyGeekBoy says: Though I am the sole bread winner, it's not in my nature to pull any "I earn the money, so I make the decisions" crap. Besides, WonderWife™ wouldn't stand for it anyway. I live in a democratic household and any major money decisions are made together.

Literal Dan says: I'm unquestionably the one in charge of our finances, since my wife has little desire for involvement, and I have a greater knack for it. I keep her briefed on things as best I can, but it would definitely be a huge adjustment for her to take over if I was gone for some reason.Ever since I left my job almost 2 years ago, she makes much more than me, but before that, I made much more than her, and it's always been the same.

Dads Who Mock the World says: It depends on the dollar amount of the decision. Anything over $100 should be cleared by the spouse (I fail at this regularly). My Wife does the money making, but I do the bill paying.

Hubman says: For the most part, we discuss any big purchases, anything over $200 or so, together. We're almost equal money earners, though I do make a little more, so we really do treat it as a partnership.

Dad’s House says: I'm a single dad, so you'd think I make the financial decisions. But my kids sure know how to empty out my wallet with decisions of their own.

Southern Sage says: All major purchases must be decided on by both of us. She spends all the money, without me seeing it or questioning it. I do hold veto power on any purchase but have only used it a couple of times. She pretty much does what she wants.

Trooper Thorn says: Since I am no longer married, the process has become much simpler. Step 1. I work and get paid
Step 2. On the first of the month I give my ex 1/3 of the pay for the child support regardless of how much time the kids have been with me that month
Step 3. Pay my rent and my lawyer.
Step 4. On the 15th of the month I give my ex 1/3 of the pay as spousal support because since she left me in 2006, has been unable to work even though she has a university degree and the kids are in high school.
Step 5: Pay gas, heat, water and some food without going too much farterh into debt.
Step 6. Thankfully there is no step 7 since I can't afford to buy the rope to hang myself.


2 - How often, on average, do you have sex? (Any swingers in the room may differentiate between sex with the just the wife and sex with others.) My husband and I have an ongoing, playful debate about whether or not we are "normal". I think there are a lot of factors that go into what's "normal" for different people - age, how long you've been married, the number and age of your kids, work situations, etc. So, I'm curious to see what you the Hot Dads have to say on the subject.

TentCamper says: It tends to go back and forth quite a bit. We go through periods when we are getting busy every day (whether it is sex or fondling, groping or pleasing each other manually – publically and privately). We also have weeks where it is 3 to 4 times a week…even down to once or twice.

We have 6 kids and finances are a mess right now…so sometimes it is hard to feel ‘in the mood’ when shit is falling all over you. I think normal is/should be at least 5 days a week. My plan is to be back to normal within the next 5 day.

DaddyGeekBoy says: I suspect that we are below average right now. The second kid has really exhausted us. But we're slowly regaining our mojo.

Literal Dan says: This varies widely, but I'd say about 3 times a week on average. We're in our late 20s, we've been married for 6 years, and we have two kids (5 and 2).

Dads Who Mock the World says: On average, not enough. The weeks that she is out of town, once. When she is here, twice.

Hubman says: Ehem, as the swinger in the room...We probably average 6 days a week. And that's just with each other. That number has changed dramatically over the years- when we were first married, I worked a morning job and she worked retail, often at night, so 2-3 times a week was probably our average then. When I was in grad school and prepping for my comprehensive exams, once or twice a week, when we had a newborn AND I was in grad school? Let's not go there! As of Sept 29th Veronica and I have been together for 19 yrs and we have as much sex now as the first year we were together!And for the record, on average we probably have sex with other twice a month.

Dad’s House says: As a single dad, I can go long dry spells without sex. When I find a lover or girlfriend I connect with, we'll have sex 2-3 times a day, every day that is humanly possible. Even if it means doing it in the backyard. Gotta make up for lost time during those dry spells.

Southern Sage says: 5x a week. That’s probably the average.

Trooper Thorn says: It depends on how often someone leaves a copy of "Mademoiselle" on the bus.


3 -Who are the top three hotties on your "List" ... you know, the mental list of famous hot women you want a "get outta jail free pass" for from your spouse to sleep with should the opportunity every arise. Shut up, you know you have a list.

TentCamper says: Since our recent post (by dadshouse) I would have to have Kim Kardashian on the list (though I may slip a pillow case over her head.) I would have to have Jessica Alba (though she is young enough to be my daughter…fell in love with her smoking body watching Dark Angel.) Lastly Jennifer Garner (from Alias) - I guess I have a thing for bad ass TV hotties. Then again...I kind of think that the above women may be a bit boring in the sack. Is there a clause that they do whatever I want? Otherwise I might do the switcherooo over to folks like; Angelina or someone that could be fun!

DaddyGeekBoy says: I am not allowed to keep a list because of situations like this.

However, my number one most lusted after celebrity is without a doubt Kelly Monaco. This is public knowledge in my house.

Literal Dan says: If I was to sit down and make a list, it would become offensively long, as my wife would attest. But I'll pick three right now, which would make a different list than another day: Diane Lane, Ginnifer Goodwin, and Zooey Deschanel. (Here, as a bonus, I'll give you tomorrow's list: Rachel Weisz, Elle McPherson, and Natalie Portman.)

Dads Who Mock the World says: Nicole Kidman is the only one that has had any staying power. All others just come and go with my whim.

Hubman says: Scarlett Johansson, Salma Hayek - Any other famous hot chick who is willing to get nekkid with me. I'm not picky....

Dad’s House says: Marisa Tomei. Kim Kardashian. And a threesome with Marisa Tomei and Kim Kardashian. What can I say, I'm an ass man.

Southern Sage says: Hmmmm I'm not much of a knower of famous people. Lets see. Sarah Palin. Jenna Jamison, theres two hows that?

Trooper Thorn says: My ex got my list in the divorce.


Anonymous asked:

Do you masturbate? If so, how often (and is it alone or with your partner?)

TentCamper says: Ummmm....YES! In the shower sometimes...and before sex sometimes. We both do and like to watch one another...get's us worked up:)

DaddyGeekBoy says: Yes. If sex isn't happening it's usually my plan B. If you really want to know frequency, please refer to my answer to question #2.

Literal Dan says: Anyone who says no is lying (or, I suppose, I feel sad for them), and anyone who doesn't answer just doesn't want to talk about it. The frequency is something I don't track, but I'm sure it varies inversely with the second question above.

Dads Who Mock the World says: Yes, several times a week. Particularly on the weeks that the Wife is traveling.

Hubman says: Of course I do! Maybe once or twice a week. Why jerk off much more than that when I have a wife who wants to fuck me every day of the week and twice on Sunday? I rarely if ever jerk off with a partner. If a partner is there, I can think of much more creative and interesting ways to get off ;-)

Dad’s House says: See my answer to question 2, and use your imagination.

Southern Sage says: Hmmmm I'm not much of a knower of famous people. Lets see. Sarah Palin. Jenna Jamison, theres two hows that?

Trooper Thorn says: Is this who I think it is 'Anonymous'? You should know. I can see your eyeball staring at me though the peephole you drilled in my shower.

Sunday Slides and Sillies, Link and Caption Contest

I trust everyone is having a lazy naughty football/nascar weekend out there. Here are some funnies and some slides and of course a caption contest, a TRIPLE feature this weekend!

Two old guys were chatting.....
One said to the other:
"My 85th birthday was yesterday.
The wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy responded:
"Wow, that's amazing!!.....
Imagine, an SUV!!..
What a great gift!"
First guy:
"Yup !!.... Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

I swear a know a dude who looks just like one of these fella's!



A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once In a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 Bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes'.

"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays"..

hehehehe


yeah I' not so hungry anymore!


Ok this week it'sa special! Triple feature! I'll number em and you can give em a caption if you'd like! (click to open in a new window and big)


1.
2.


3.


That last one makes me laugh like craaaaaazy!

Ok give it a shot!! Come back and see who has a good one! I posted on Mars vs Venus and of course in Sageville. Y'all would like MvV check it out.

Sage is out.

Huggy Bear's House of Coffee

I'm not sure if this article I found is a finger-wagging account of a shameful Washington coffee house, or a national advertisement to build a rival to Starbucks overnight:

5 bikini baristas accused of prostitution

My favorite quote also takes you right to the core of the story:

---

During a two-month investigation, detectives also saw the women lick whipped cream off each other and pose naked for pictures at the Grab-n-Go Espresso stand.

---

I have to wonder who made them cut off the "investigation" after only two months. You better believe that guy got his locker filled with shaving cream (or, perhaps more appropriately, latte foam) and maybe even a couple of dog (if he was lucky) shits put on his engine block or something.

I'm just spitballin' here-- maybe under the circumstances, Washington police were driven to even greater heights of creativity. Regardless, I don't think they could possibly be more creative than the ladies of the coffee stand themselves:

---

The women also charged customers to play "basketball," a game in which customers threw wadded up money at the women, who caught the money in their underwear, detectives said.

---

What could I ever do to make people just throw money at me like that, whether balled up or not?? Maybe I'm just not cut out for this capitalism game.

One thing* I do know, though, is that these kinds of investigations must be made part of the compensation package for veteran officers, if they aren't already.

Just picture our precious younger officers dodging bullets behind the burning shells of their cruisers right now, keeping the tourniquet tight above their gunshot wounds, telling themselves they can't bleed out in the street because they've only got 10 more years till they get to work the "Handjob Hardees" detail.**

I think I finally understand what it was like for John Lennon writing Imagine, being the only one seeing a better world and wondering why we can't all see our way to get there. Someday, maybe, someday, our hardest-working public servants will get their chance to taste the sweet fruits of their labors in the form of whipped cream pasties.

---

* Another thing is that the guys working the "fat trannies" embezzlement case at the local White Castle really know now where they stand in the department hierarchy.

** They can just take out any frustration on their friends and loved ones in the meantime as needed.

---

Posted by LiteralDan

Ask Hot Mamas - Episode 3

As our 3rd installment of the Ask Hot Mamas series, we are offering up an inside look at Single Nucking Lost Mom Quest Says Limit for Left Nuts ….or something like that!!

Have fun with this read!!!

...and here are the questions that were posed to the 'ladies.'

What is your favorite part of your own body, and why?

The Quest for T says: Its funny how this keeps changing. I've always thought I had great breasts but now I'm partial to my ass. Sometimes I just like to smack it because it feels so good! Especially after a run... hard as a rock!I still like my eyes. And my tummy because I recently paid quite a bit to get it back to pre-children normal.Ya know, I'm very happy with my body. Period. That feels pretty good to say at nearly 40 years old.

Danielle says: I would probably have to say my boobs. I know, I know-that's just not right-but it's true! Although they are a pain in the ass when it comes to finding shirts that fit, or getting people to look me in the eye, they are also a great asset! Of course, if you want me to be politically correct, I would tell you that I love my eyes. They are dark brown, but have a blue ring around them.

Nucking Futs Mama says: My back cause it's the only part of my body I don't ever see.

Nothing Off Limits says: My eyes. I love playing up the eyes.

SingleMomSays says: My tongue. Why? For its many purposes of course; speech, taste, kissing, licking...


When single and dating, how many dates before you'll put out? We understand there are degrees of putting out, so your answer might have multiple parts.

The Quest for T says: Well, it depends on the date. In my last major relationship, it was the first date. I had known the guy since high school though. Then again, it had been 17 years since we'd seen each other. I think it also depends on what you're looking for. If you are just looking for sex, then why not go for it?! If its a relationship you're after, then you might still go for it if there's a deeper connection than purely physical. However, I think many women don't know what they're looking for until they're wrapped up in something they want or don't want. Chemistry. Sometimes you can't fight it. And I like sex. Very much, in fact.

Danielle says: Well, back in my dating days (wow! I sound super-old when I say that, don't I?), I would for sure kiss on the first date, if I liked the guy. He might even get some boob-touching action, if he's lucky. I have been known to "put out" before (read: one night stand), but not often. If I really really liked the guy, and I could tell he was digging me, I would put out within a month or so.

Nucking Futs Mama says: I haven't been single and dating since college, so I guess that would've depended on how many Nat Light beers I'd had out of the frat keg that night. :-)

Nothing Off Limits says: Depends on the guy. With my husband it wasn't that long but I don't know. I don't have a set time or number of dates.

SingleMomSays says: It depends on how well i know the guy. Every situation is different and every guy is different but generally way more than three for sex. I'm a relationship kinda girl so i don't rush it.


What is your biggest fear (what scares you the most)?

The Quest for T says: Fear. I know that sounds like such a presidential thing to say but its true. I've found that being fearful only draws to us that which we fear. Haven't you heard the expression: FEAR = False Evidence Appearing Real ?

Danielle says: Well, I have two pretty big ones, and I can't really think about them long enough to decide which is worse. 1. Being alone. I don't mean being in my house alone, or spending a weekend alone (oh, a girl can dream, can't she??), but losing my loved ones and spending the rest of my life alone. I'm not a quiet person, and I am definitely one that feels most alive around others. Being alone would be brutal for me. 2. Getting seriously ill (read: cancer) and being a big pain in the ass for my loved ones. I don't do well with pain, or asking for help.

Nucking Futs Mama says: the bald dude at my gym who follows me around and tries to get me to friend him on Facebook.

Nothing Off Limits says: well this is a downer but I guess my cancer coming back

SingleMomSays says: Outliving my children.


Women love for a man to be a good listener on a date. When should the woman listen to the man?

The Quest for T says: Really? Don't we all want to be listened to? I know I tend to talk... a LOT... but I pride myself on being a good listener. I think a man will be a good listener if he too feels heard. I think there should be a give and take from the very first date.

Danielle says: On a date? Well, when he says "I got this" when the check comes. Ha! No, seriously? I think a woman should listen to the man when he gives advice on a highly-emotional subject. I can admit that I am highly emotional, and sometimes that means I seem irrational. So, I respect my husband's advice when I'm an emotional, irrational mess, because I know that he is thinking in terms of LOGIC & REASON.

Nucking Futs Mama says: when she runs out of things to say.

Nothing Off Limits says: I think it's important for a woman to really listen and show interest on a date too. It needs to be mutual in my opinion.

SingleMomSays says: I always listen with one exception; when he is an arrogant ass talking only about himself i eventually tune him out and end the date quickly.


What Elf would you consider yourself?(Happy, Horny, Naughty, Whiny, Sexy, Mopey, Sweety, Angry, Needy)

The Quest for T says: Well damn. I can be all of these elves and MORE!At this moment, I'm feeling 'Naughty'. Probably because I've answered the next question already.

Danielle says: I would consider myself Happy, although wow, I'd love if I could consider myself Sexy or Naughty. RAWR.

Nucking Futs Mama says: Well, my husband calls me Sexy, but I pay him to say that.

Nothing Off Limits says: Sexy

SingleMomSays says: Definitley Horny


What is the one thing that turns you on the most?

The Quest for T says: Confidence. And not cocky, self-absorbed arrogance. I mean confidence in your ability as a man, significant other, parent, family member, athlete, employee or whatever you put your mind to. There is something inherently sexy about a man who knows he is a good man. He will make mistakes, as we all do, but he can allow himself a mistake and know that it does not define him. He has down days too but can pick himself up, learn from life and inspire those around him. I'm getting turned on just writing this...

Danielle says: With the opposite sex: When a man pulls your body up to his w/ a strong sense of purpose. Also? Thighs. With the same sex: Curves. Freckles. Sexy lips.

Nucking Futs Mama says: Kissing on the neck or behind the ears -- yum yum yum!

Nothing Off Limits says: I'm a visual person. I like watching a little adult entertainment on occasion. haha

SingleMomSays says: There is no one thing really as lots of different things turn me on at different times and can vary depending on the man. I'm a sucker for a good back rub but otherwise only a man who knows me well will get that information. ;)

When a Date Wants to Polish the (blank)

A recent date who came into my home suggested that something needed to be polished. Now, now, get your urban dictionary mind out of the knob-polishing gutter.

She noticed my highball glasses had water spots!

(For the record, I don't let just anyone into my house. I may be virile in my 40s with plenty of sexy and funny stories, but you gotta be eager.)

Apparently my date's mom had taught her to polish every glass as if you were a high-end restaurant. After all, you never knew who might come over, and how much it might be worth to impress them.

(When she said "worth", I sort of tuned out. Her family was into money, and her mom played hostess to daddy's CEO friends. Sounds like a lonely housewife to me. I just liquor my guests up on my best margarita recipe, and hope they don't notice water spots.)

The experience made me think - what things do I polish, and what do I let slide?

Cars - I know there are hot dads (and teen boys) who wax the hell out of their cars. They'll polish the hood, polish the wheels, polish the seats. Me? I'm lucky if the bug that splatted my windshield on highway 101 gets squeegeed off the next time I fill up on gas.

Chrome appliances - I polish my espresso machine (there's an eagle on top!), but I never polish my toaster. And yet, the toaster gets more fingerprints. Why do I not care about this much-used appliance? Um, because my kids get their grubby paws on it whenever they toast up pita bread for a hummus-slathered afternoon snack? (i.e. daily) It will just get finger-printy again.

Glasses (of the spectacle sort) - I polish the heck out of my glasses daily. I use glasses cleaner, and one of those micro-fiber cloths. More work than lasik, I suppose. But no one's cutting my eyes.

Martini shaker - I polish this every time I use it. Natch. (Did I mention there's a connection between drinking and sex?)

As for my date, it turned out she did actually enjoy polishing things besides highball, martini, and wine glasses.

I'll leave it at that, and keep this post PG-13.

The Journey of Life

I know that I am only 41 and can in no way (unless from the mouth of a wisecracking teenager) be referred to as old. But the fact of the matter is that I am getting older and …it kind of scares me.

The journey from cute little awkward kid to handsome, philandering young adult, to Hot Dad has been quite a ride. Yes, I’ve gone though some rough patches and yes, I’ve wanted to hit the ‘rewind’ button a time or two, but now I find myself frantically searching for the ‘pause’ button…or at the very least life’s slow motion controls.

Though I am semi comforted by Mariah’s adoration of old men, I am still having a hard time with the impending transformation from Hot Dad to decrepit and wrinkly geezer sporting a broken hip and wearing Depends.

Though I am in relatively good shape, I still find myself waking up slower with joints that creak for the first hour or so (or until well lubricated with multiple cups of coffee) of each day. My bladder and bowel control’s ‘motherboard’ seems to be on the brink as I tend to spend about as much time in the can as I do parenting. My feet get cramped and achy when I am up and walking around too much and a cool breeze can stiffen my neck before I can even get the window closed. My back has both good and back days, but when I use it for much more than picking up a pile of dirty clothes….she kicks my ass for days on end.

Now Mariah keeps telling me that I just need to exercise more and that I will feel better when I get on a good workout regimen. I don’t know if she is just looking out for me…or if she is looking for me to buff up and uncover the buried six-pack that was once visible and give the arms and chest of a college athlete. Regardless…when I hear her, or anyone else say, “Working out will make you feel better.” All I know is that when I work out…all that happens is that I get tired, sore and cranky.

Well, Thursday morning I have a full physical and though I want to go, I’m a bit scared that I’ll get some bad news…or that things are going to have to drastically change in my life.

Getting old like this would not be so bad...Look at how HOT Mariah is.

Is it normal for me to be going through these thoughts at 41 freaking years old??????

The Bus Doctor Is In

I’m not a doctor by training, but I do provide an abundance of medical expertise to people on the bus each day. As a Public Service, I thought I’d pass on some of the frequently asked questions to help the readers of Hot Dads.

“How much blood in my stool is too much”
This is a difficult question to answer without a full patient history. Do they subject themselves to repeated kidney blows in bar fights? Do they have bad oral hygiene that causes excessive gum bleeding? Are they vampires? Usually I suggest they cut beets out of their diet and see if the problem clears up.

“Should it hurt when I do this?”
Yes, but you look incredible when you do so don’t stop.

“I’d like to reduce my risk for heart disease, but am worried about the side effects of blood thinners. What are the other options?”
This is an excellent question as many people cannot afford the high cost of medications such as Lipitor and Digitalis. While some street medicos are on the Warfarin bandwagon (some going so far as to chew on poisoned rats), I advocate changing your lifestyle as the best approach. Stop smoking, watch your diet and get plenty of exercise. Unfortunately these are the same people least likely to exercise which is why I always carry a container of cat urine to dump on them. Then I alert the bus driver that this person has peed themselves. They don’t thank me when they are ordered off the bus before their stops, but I know their heart will in time.

“Does this look infected?”
Don’t let your eyes fool you. Many people mistake dirty fingers and toes for infection. The real telltale to an infected appendage is the smell. If even you can’t stand to be in the same room as your hands or feet, go to a hospital immediately. But it’s not all bad news. Some new research has shown that amputated digits can grow back with a simple compress of talcum powder and lemon juice. And when I say “new research” I mean a dream I had last week after eating too much Mexican food.

“I think I’ve been impregnated by aliens. What should I do?”
The start of new life is almost always a cause for celebration. For a woman, the feeling of a something growing inside her, whether a human baby or a many tentacled zygote from another galaxy, can be the fulfillment of a childhood dream.

However, if you are a man and you believe that you have been abducted, probed and fertilized while unconscious, I usually recommend getting rid of it before it grows so large, it rips you apart. Often exposure to hours high pitched shrieking found on TV shows like “Rosanne”, “The Nanny” and “Sex and the City” is enough to drive the foetus back to it’s own dimension.

Sages Sunday Slides and Sillies, Caption Contest

Awesome Senior Moment

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
inter-action between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a Metro
station in DC. There were protesters on the train platform handing out
pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.

The elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young
(20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a
gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice the young lady said, "Lady,
don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France
during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All
three died so you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our
country.. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your ass and
open it."

You go girl!

1. Lol, sounds like me!



2. Poor crackers just tryin to have a slice of the good life!


3. Just sayin!


4. Ain't no doubt about that!




Caption contest! Ha! try your luck!


Didja try the caption contest??? Hey tomorrow is my birthday! Did y'all fill my inbox with naked pics get me something nice? Well you have one more day to do it so go ahead and send em! I posted in Sageville also so hit that!

The Peace Corps

By TentCamper

This friend of mine joined the Peace Corps a few years ago. He was a young guy and wanted to do something special…something for others. He was soon sent off to some desert area near Egypt for his first mission (or whatever they call it) to help build school houses and teach children in need. What a great guy. Smart, loving, dedicated, honest and giving.

Anyway, when he returned we got together for a few beers and to talk about his “journey.” After he had downed more than a pitcher, he began telling me a story that I don’t think he ever intended on telling anyone…but I just sat there nodding my head…and listening.

The story goes as follows:

“So once I got to the desert Corps camp, I was shown into the camp manager’s office. He had me sit down and proceeded to go over all of the rules, timelines, jobs, personnel, etc. When he was done he showed me to my bunk house. I got my stuff situated and joined up with the rest of the workers and started on my journey to help those in need. After a few weeks, I noticed (out of nothing more than my manly urges) that there were no women at the camp. I brought it up to one of my co-workers who said that due to the local customs, women were not allowed to work here and that I should go talk about it with the camp manager. I was a bit embarrassed so I did nothing about it at the time. After a few more weeks, the urges were getting pretty bad and the sleeping quarters and showers were not conducive for pleasuring my self. I decided to bite the bullet and go talk to the camp manager about it.

I went into the office and told the camp manager that I’d been there for more than 6 weeks and was wondering if there were any women that were around…I was getting pretty frustrated and kind of wanted some release. The manager looked at me and said, “Well…around the back of the office…there is a camel…” I cut him off there and said, “Thanks but I’ll be ok.” And I bolted from the office.

It was about a month later when I went back to the office, basically clutching my groin…as if I were going to explode. I told the manager, again, about my situation and he once again said, “OK, there is a camel in the barn behind this building and that is what most of the guys here use…” I cut him off again and ran from the office…thinking about how nasty that would be…especially after all off these other guys…fuck that!

Now I had been there for 3 and a half months…I ran into the manager’s office, with duress on my face. I sternly asked about that camel. He pointed out the back window to the barn. I ran out the door and around to the barn. After grabbing a stool from the side of the barn and placing it behind the tied up camel, I jumped up on the stool, ripped my pants down, lifted the camel’s tail and ….OH MY GOD! I have to say that it did not take me long at all. It did not even really click that it was a camel until after…and at that point…I didn’t care.

I ran back into the manager’s office, with a huge grin on my face and said, “That was great!...Can I do that whenever I want?” The manager looked at me with the strangest eyes that I’d ever seen and said, “what the hell are you talking about? What happened?” I told him that I grabbed a stool from the side of the barn and placed it behind the tied up camel, I jumped up on the stool, ripped my pants down, lifted the camel’s tail and …you know. The manager, let his head fall into his hands and then, after a few seconds, looked up at me with a shitty grin and said to me, “Holy shit boy! Most of the guys get the camel and ride it into the town about 20 miles east of here!”

That was my last day at that camp…I insisted on being transferred to a completely different region where I finished out my 6 months...from that point on…I decided to wait til I got back to the states to get laid.” I have to say that I really hope that this story was not true…I never brought it up with him again, but these days I’m thinking that he’s not as smart as I used to think he was.

To Pee Or Not To Pee

By TentCamper

As you may be able to tell from the name of my blog, I have a tendency to pee into the wind now and again. But that is not the only thing about pee that I like….I grew up in the northeast and spent many a winter producing creative ‘art’ on my white snow canvas. I peed on my brother after my other brother and I tied him up. I have (I am man enough to admit it) peed myself …as a grown man. I pee outdoors at every opportunity…bushes, behind trees, alleys, fields, off boats, in streams…you know…pretty much anywhere. In addition to all of that, I have a small bladder, so I go pretty much all the time.

As a 41 year old man, with all of the aforementioned experience, I do consider myself an expert…or urinary master extraordinaire…as I have been referred to from time to time.

With that said, I have considered writing books on the subject…things like Taking the Piss (The History of PEE) for the guys and How to Pee Standing Up for all of you ladies…who want to let loose and pee in the wind with me. Maybe I am talking about pee too much or maybe just sharing too much about myself personally, but I really don’t care. I love to pee.

You know when you have to pee really bad?...no when holding it hurts so much that you actually start to laugh. When you finally let go…it is complete ecstasy… A ‘peegasm’ if you will. Or when you (knowing how big or small your own bladder is) pee for so long that you wonder if something is wrong…then you just get that little smile on your face…you’ve actually impressed your own self. What about when ….oh never mind…you get my point.

Lastly, I got a bit upset when I saw this. Who do theses asses think they are anyways?

The Most Dangerous Place in the World...

is between Kanye West and a microphone. (bah-dum-cha!!)

Following up on my Dog & Jeans' post yesterday of Great Moments in Kanye West Interruption History, I found these hilarious pictures. I figured Hot Dads was the place to share.

See the whole collection here.

The Secret Box

Well I thought we'd try the secret box again. I stole this from Sexy Shelle too! Shes got good ideas!

Here is how it works. You hit the comments and put your secret in there. Thats it. You can do it anonymous if you would like.



It can be anything naughty, nice, hateful, whatever.

like:

In bed with my husband I think of Sage!

or

My husbands girlfriend is a bi%#h.

or

I have never done this before but the bartender at the Drowned A Drink is hot, I want to do her, do you think my hubs would care?

or

I wish my Aunt would fall off a cliff.

or whatever.

Or you can comment on others.

How many can we get???

Put your secret in there.....

I'm sure I posted in Sageville. Hope alls well out there!

Sage's Sunday Slides, Sunday Sillys

Morris returns from the doctor with bad news. The prognosis tells him he only has 24 hours to live.


Given the prognosis, Morris

asks his wife for sex.



Naturally, she agrees, so

they make love.



About 6 hours later, the

husband goes to his wife and says,



'Honey, you know I now have

only 18 hours to live.



Could we please do it one

more time?'



Of course, the wife agrees,

and they do it again.



Later, as the man gets into

bed, he looks at his watch



and realizes that he now has

only 8 hours left.



He touches his wife's

shoulder and asks,



'Honey, please... just one

more time before I die.'



She says, 'Of course, Dear,'

and they make love for the third time.



After this session, the wife

rolls over and falls to sleep.



Morris, however, worried about his impending death,



tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.



He taps his wife, who rouses.

'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.



Do you think we

could...'



At this point the wife sits

up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough



I have to get up in the morning... you don't.

1. Big the pic and read it! LOL How true is that???


2. LOL



Posted to Craig's List Personals:

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
(Date: 2009-03-23, 3:43AM EST)

I was the guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over,
shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked
for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize. I didn't
expect you to wet your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.

Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening and it wasn't
that cold outside.

You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP
pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it
that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh?

It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it? I know
it probab ly wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come
from with your wet pants.

I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell
phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your
buddies to come help you try to mug us again.

I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed
in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also
bought myself and four other people in the gas station this morning a tank
full of gas on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150
gallons and was extremely grateful! I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet.

I threw the wallet in a fancy pink "pimp mobile" parked at the curb
after I broke the windshield and side window out and keyed the drivers side.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from yo ur cell phone. They'll be on
your bill in case you'd like to know which ones.

Ma Bell just shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a
little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I
hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.

I could only get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one
to the FBI with it. The FBI guy was really ticked and we had a long chat (I
guess while he traced the number).

I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you
walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your
choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky ....

- Alex

P.S. Remember this motto.. an Armed Society is a polite society!

hehe go boy!

3. a "10" indeed!




4. I need this bumper sticker!

THE MAMA TEST


I was out walking with my 4-year-old daughter. She picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs,' I replied..

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, 'Mama, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.' I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mama Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mama.'

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

'Oh.....I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad.'

'Exactly,' I replied with a big smile on my face.

haaaaaaaa Figured you ladies would preciate that.

Well I got nuttin for the caption contest this week! Give it your best shot in the comment box!

Drinking and Sex - Time for a Study!

Oh those French. Apparently, they did a formal study which made a connection between women drinking wine and having sex. The more you drink, the more willing you are to do the deed. (You think?! Hey, I’m not making this up.)

BigLittleWolf’s Daily Plate of Crazy clued me in to this. She gives a delightful account of the study of 800 women, how “women blossom sexually under the influence of alcohol”. She even suggests that wine guidebooks should contain info about which wines get which types of women into the mood.

To which I say – WTF!? How did the Hot Dads miss out on this one?

I propose the Hot Dads get the same EU wanks who funded the French study to fund us. Not everyone drinks wine. We’ll go on a mission to see which cocktails get which women in the mood.

Let's kick off the proposal writing process:

As Hot Dads, we are aware that women are sometimes not in the mood to be ravaged. (We don’t understand that behavior, but we are aware of it and respect it.)

As Hot Dads who enjoy a drink now and then, we have direct evidence that women who drink sometimes become aroused into a state of sexual willingness. (We do understand this behavior, and for that reason the next round is on us.)

As Hot Dads fighting for a better planet (i.e. one with more sex, love, and happy endings), we would like to procure funding to study this topic in depth.

Hypothesis: candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker

Procedure: gather 800 nubile women (just like the French study), or perhaps simply take out our wives and girlfriends, depending on what we can get away with (all in the name of science!)

Flirt with these women and attempt to seduce them into having sex. We predict a success rate with this technique of 1%. (Mostly due to our lack of flirting skills, sober. Time to brush up on sweet pick up lines.)

Line up shots of vodka and tequila, as well as provide favorite mixed drinks like cosmos and margaritas and mai tais, and offer said alcohol to said women.

Flirt with these women and attempt to seduce them into having sex. We predict as more drinks are consumed, we’ll be getting laid a lot.

Of course, the Hot Mamas could get their own study funded. I’m not sure what it would be, but if it’s something about men drinking and women shopping, I’m ducking for cover.

maybe its's just me

Just this afternoon, I was sitting around thinking about shit that I have to buy (for me, the kids, pets, etc) and was dreading the multitude of stores that I was going to have to navigate my way through LA traffic to get to. Then I started to think about buying everything online.

I remember when online retail first took off and I watched as consumers apprehensively dove into the realm on Internet retail.

These days, I wonder if it is just me, or if many people hesitate to make online purchases due to the sucky-ass economy. I can’t remember the last thing I bought online…I just don’t any more. I feel much more comfortable being able to touch and feel products before paying for them.

I then looked up some stats on the subject and found that people seem to think that they will spend more online in 2009 than they did in 2008. (Freakish... in my mind.)

Here are my questions for you…

How often do you buy ‘stuff’ online?
What kinds of products do you buy?
Do you have specific online retailers that you usually use?

Who knows…maybe you will kick my ass back into 2009 and get me to re-trust online retail.

Love in a Bottle

The following is a letter that I have just sent off to 'my friends' over at the Boston Beer Company. I wonder if they will take it to heart and help a brotha out.


Dear Samuel Adams executives,

I am writing this letter to you in an attempt to express to you the extent for my love of your Boston Lager. As I am sure that you have received many such letters, this one I assure you, is straight from the heart.

I first had the pleasure of being introduced to my first Samuel Adams Boston Lager in 1991, whilst living in Boston’s Back Bay. As with some human relationships…it was love at first sight. Our love affair has spanned the past 18 years and its full flavored goodness has been one constant in my life that would always be there for me.

Over the years, I would find myself angered and disgruntled at the fact that everyone does not carry the Sam Adams brand. People just don’t seem to understand the extent to which Sam Adams far exceeds other beers in the realm of quality, taste and …yes…drinkability. Yes…I am the guy with the collection of anything and everything Sam Adams (signs, openers, glasses, bottles and even retail store signage (that I pleaded with owners for.)

Getting to my point, during these times, times in which money is tight and budgets are stretched, I am finding it harder and harder to justify this long time relationship of mine. Currently I am out of work and am a father to 6 children. Besides scouring local stores for sales, the price of Sam Adams is making it like the love a teenage fan would have for a hot celebrity…consistently intense, but unattainable.

As I have written on my blogs about this love affair of mine (http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2009/06/insane-love.html http://ipitw.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-guess-pleasantries-are-overrated.html ) I plan to continue passionately writing about the most superb beer in the world, I am asking, right here and right now…for your help.

As a long time HUGE fan, coinsurer and lover of your beer, please help a struggling guy continue on this journey of love. As I cannot fathom my life without your delicious brew, I’d be happy and willing to plaster my blogs and Facebook pages with banners, ads and text links pointing to Samuel Adams. Coupons, website credits, cases (to review), etc. or anything else that you can think of would not only reinforce that yours is the best beer, but the best company in the world.

I eagerly look forward to your response.

Best regards.


Chris
Lover of Sam Adams – America’s World Class Beer

Random Thoughts

Well the Hot Momma Shelle does a random thoughts post where people leave their random thoughts and others comment on them or just read them and ponder or laugh or whatever. I figured we'd do that here. So here's how it works. You leave your random thought in the comment box, or leave a comment on aa random thought of someone else! Check back and lets see how many thoughts you all can come up with.

Here is one I left on Shelle's once that she liked.

Why when a woman goes to the gyno, he leaves while she undresses?????????????

or Why do drive on a park way and park on a driveway?

any random thought.

Go get em. See how random your thoughts are compared to others.

I want to see her naked, is that a random thought if I think it 98976756989328378 times a day?

I'm sure I posted in Sageville. Y'all have a big ole day!

Ask Hot Mamas (episode 2)

For our second edition of Ask Hot Mamas, we’ve gotten a bit more personal in an attempt to spice things up a bit. You know us guys…always needing a bit of spice for our meat.
(by the way...this is a nice way to introduce some of Hot Dads' newest Hot Mamas!)

And here are week two's questions:

Q: Tell us one thing about you we'd never believe or guess.

Amber says: Well, assuming the readers here don't read my blog on a regular basis, I'd have to wager that most don't know that I've been married twice, and I met my first husband online.

Miss Grace says: Okay I've been staring at this question for.....longer than I'd care to admit. I went and answered all the other ones and now here I am still looking at this one. I can't think of anything I can say about myself that y'all would find surprising. Cuz I think I've already told everyone about every possible moment of idiocy. Fuck. I mean, I called 9-1-1 for a taxi once, because it was the only phone number I could remember, but are you really surprised?? (If you're wondering, this was effective - the police came, and they called a cab and made it take me home for free - WIN)So. I'm surprise-free at this point. The only secrets I have left are the ones that I actually don't tell.

Brandy says: (Brandy failed to answer this one…what the hell is she hiding????)

ChurchPunkMom says: ... I fart rainbows. Honest. Ask Aman.

Tom the Girl says: I have piercings...yes multiple...in some very special places.


Q: What is your #1 favorite thing about a man, physically? (arms, hands,ass, whatever)

Amber says: Well, if it's any man it would have to be his smile. Hair (or lack thereof) is a close second.If it's my Mr you're talking about, it's his ass. His ass is perfectly juicy, a true pleasure to look at.

Miss Grace says: Mmmm backs. I *love* a nice muscular back. Makes me all wobble-kneed.

Brandy says: Shoulders; I love a man with broad shoulders. It just makes them look "manly".

ChurchPunkMom says: Hm... Any part of my husband!

Tom the Girl says: My favorite thing about a man would have to be the lines that run down either side of his lower abdomen, and disappear into his jeans. Oh my...i could LICK those lines..... *hot flashes*


Q: What is the best way (method, style, technique, etc.) to do some"landscaping" that causes the least amount of discomfort.(Shaving=razor burn) - no chemicals please.

Amber says: This question confuses me...are you talking about someone landscaping me, me doing the landscaping on myself, or me doing landscaping on my Mr??If it's Mr landscaping me I'd prefer him to use scissors and then an electric razor.I prefer to use scissors and a regular Bic disposable razor. I don't do waxing, that stuff is crazy, and I'm a no go for chemical removers in my lady bits.If I'm doing some manscaping on my Mr I think I'd feel perfectly comfortable using scissors for a light trim, anything more than that and I'd be afraid of damaging his manly bits.That all being said, what other ways are there??

Miss Grace says: I prefer waxing. The one time discomfort is worse than other methods, but it takes a long-ass time to grow back, and it's never stubbly/itchy, and while I can't say it gets 'more comfortable', it does get LESS uncomfortable as time progresses. In college my roommate and I totally had a waxing party with our friend Ben. No, he's not gay. I swear.

Brandy says: For a close shave, I use a mustache/beard trimmer without any guard. Sometimes I use a razor when I want to pull a Britney, making sure to take a nice, hot shower first so that the pores are open & the hair is soft.

ChurchPunkMom says: Ah, 'landscaping'.. well, I won't lie. I've never been a big fan of yard work.. But we all know it's gotta be done, right? I'm an old fashioned girl.. one who's never indulged in those 'simple luxuries' like manicures, or pedicures, or *shudder* waxing. I shave. Like a man.

Tom the Girl says: The VERY best way to manscape is to wax. I just bought GiGi Brazilian hard wax (the microwaveable kind) for my nether region, and while it hurts like hell to pull that wax off the FIRST time, it only stings for a second, and the results are amazing. Let's just say that my baby's bottom was jealous.


Q: Do you consider yourself more voyeuristic or exhibitionist? (you haveto choose one) …feel free to share the evidence.

Amber says: I'm definitely more of an exhibitionist. As we don't really dig motel rooms for the hourly rate, we have a tendency to drive on a few 4x4 trails up the mountain and have ourselves a good old time in the backseat of our truck.

Miss Grace says: I'm a total exhibitionist. I just can't make myself care about open curtains or lights on in a dark house. And there's something ridiculously hot about sex in public places/the chance of getting caught.

Brandy says: If I have to choose (cause I think we all have a little of both in us) then I pick voyeuristic. And I plead the 5th for the rest...

ChurchPunkMom says: Well, now that I'm getting older and have popped out a few kids.. I suppose I'd be more of a voyeur, or perhaps a retired exhibitionist. And sorry, no evidence here. Besides, imaginations can be much more entertaining and vivid than reality!

Tom the Girl says: I definitely consider myself to be an exhibitionist. Just ask my twitter ladies about that. They've seen mah bewbs. You probably will too :-*


Q: Who do you consider to be the sexiest/hottest (if you could, you woulddive into bed with) woman on TV or movies today.

Amber says: Hmm, Rachel McAdams is nice. Giving a time limit of today doesn't really do a whole lot for me. I'd prefer a woman who's intelligent and easy on the eyes, with a lean figure.I'd love to romp with Diane Lane, though she hasn't really done anything in a while.

Miss Grace says: I have a RIDICULOUS girl crush on Mary Louise Parker. Because, I mean, YUM.

Brandy says: I hate to say this, I really do, but Angelina. She's been one of my girl crushes ever since she was in Gia. Angelina's hot - plain & simple.

ChurchPunkMom says: This is a hard one. We don't watch much TV around here and the bulk of what I see tends to be animated. (Not gonna go there..) Gee... I'd have to go with...... David Letterman's mom. She's HAWT.

Tom the Girl says: Hottest woman celebrity today. So many to choose from... but if I had to bang ONE, it would be Adriana Lima (Victoria's Secret Model). She is pretty much perfect in every way, and totally my type. I mean, come on. LOOK at her! O_o

Sunday Slides, Give away, Caption Contest, Funny

First y'all needta hit up the deliciously sexy Isabella and give her contest a try so she can redo your blog! If you don't remember mine before it was plain ole plain and she whooped it right up! Now its the awesomest ever!

Rules for Isabella Snow's September blog makeover contest! Entering is easy! Just copy and paste this (entire) blurb to your blog (make sure the links still work!) and then email Isabella a link to your blog post. The contest deadline is at midnight GMT July 31. One winner will be selected the following day by a drawing of names; the name will be posted here; and the winner will be emailed, as well. A new, totally original blog will be completed within two weeks of winning. One entry per blog. *Blogger.com customization only*, see the Blogbunnie Blog Design portfolio for layout options.

Y'all try it out!

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual
gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair..

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments. " answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.....

1. A boodb a Boob Yessssssssssssssssssssss A BOOOOOOB!


2. I dunno I got nuttin!



3. LOL




Well here ya go, give it your best shot!!! (Shelle Don't look!!!!)


I'm sure I posted in Sageville!

y'all give the contest a try, and everyone hit the caption contest. I hope y'all have a big ole weekend!

Friday Funnies, Serious warning

First a serious warning from the US Health Department:

If you wake up looking like this, you might have Swine Flu.



(I woke up with this chick before I think!)

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.


Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. áYou better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley .'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

hehehehe



During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related impedimenta.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby . . . and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"What a shame. And all these years, I've been chewing gum."



Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the


doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.


Given the prognosis, Morris

asks his wife for sex.


Naturally, she agrees, so

they make love.


About 6 hours later, the

husband goes to his wife and says,


'Honey, you know I now have

only 18 hours to live.


Could we please do it one

more time?'


Of course, the wife agrees,

and they do it again.


Later, as the man gets into

bed, he looks at his watch


and realizes that he now has

only 8 hours left.


He touches his wife's

shoulder and asks,


'Honey, please... just one

more time before I die.'


She says, 'Of course, Dear,'

and they make love for the third time.


After this session, the wife

rolls over and falls to sleep.


Morris, however, worried about his impending death,


tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.


He taps his wife, who rouses.

'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.


Do you think we

could...'


At this point the wife sits

up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough


I have to get up in the morning... you don't.


Well there ya go, Friday Funnies!!! I hope y'all sniggered a lil bit. I'm sure I posted @ Sageville to. Y'all have a big ole weekend!