Friday, November 13, 2009

Fakin' it? Really?

My awesome girlfriend recently blogged about the occasional want and/or need to “fake it” when having sex. While quick to point out that she didn’t do that with me, I thought it brought up a pretty good question:

How would I feel if I found out the woman I was with was faking her orgasms?

Not to brag at all, but when it comes to sex I’m not a big fan of being selfish. In fact, it’s a major turn-on for me when my woman reaches climax. Usually, I’m not too long after she’s just an extremely sensual and sexy thing that I thoroughly enjoy.

But I began to ask myself how I would feel if she was faking it with me? Would it change things in the bedroom? Would I take it personally? Would I make it my mission to make her orgasms real? Would I just stop putting forth much effort and become totally selfish instead?

I think I might be a bit upset at first. I mean, here I think that I’m workin’ my magic...hitting all the right spots...movin’ and shakin’ as only I can...and I end up finding out that while she may enjoy what I’m doing, she feels the need to fake climax.


Is it to get me off and, thus, off of her? Is it to stroke my...umm...ego? Is there an innate need to prove that two people can, in fact, cum during the same sex session?

So while I may make it my personal mission to make my partner climax before I do, I also understand that it just might not happen each and every time out. As my girlfriend mentioned, it may be a combination of things: too much going on in the brain, inability to relax, whatever the case may be. I would think that I’m comfortable enough with the woman I’m with to not take it personally.

Well...most of the time, anyway.

So other than to “stroke a man’s ego”, why would a woman feel the need to fake an orgasm?


The Peach Tart said...

She might not want to hurt the guy's feelings. However, in the long run, women should be honest with their lovers and tell them what they want.

Athena said...

I would be terribly disappointed if a lover was faking orgasm. it's inauthentic and an emotional betrayal, maybe I am being melodramatic.

There are random times when I just can't. No matter what -- and I am honest about it. I think the faking is way worse than the slight ego blow of "I just can't!"

Momma Sunshine said...

I think that in our society there's such a HUGE deal placed on achieving orgasm. I mean, that's the whole POINT, isn't it?

I can assure you that I, for one, have had some wonderful (and satisfying!) sexual sessions that didn't include orgasm. Sex serves a variety of roles - and "getting off" isn't the only one. Sometimes it's a matter of physical comfort, or craving closeness with your partner. Sometimes it's about doing something unselfish FOR HIM. When those are the motivations, an orgasm might be "icing on the cake", but isn't absolutely necessary.

It's too bad that more women didn't understand that. And the men that they're with, for that matter.

Fortunately, there are some of us out there who ARE that lucky. ;-)

ShellSpann said...

NO woman wants to hurt a mans ego. And sometimes if we're distracted or having a bad day or whatever the case may be...something might be preventing us from reaching the big O. And I for one, don't ever want my man to think it's his fault. Lucky for me, in my current relationship I haven't had to fake it. But I have faked it A LOT in the past. :)

TentCamper said...

What are you talking about? I fake it all the time.

But seriously, I love it when we cum together. There are a lot of things that come into play though...which is why we do have a drawer full of toys to lean on times of need.

Nonflammable said...

If someone feels its okay to fake orgasm there is probably other deceptions in the relationship. It should be okay to say I just cant get there. With that thought, sometimes it’s better to give than to receive.

Oxymoron – bad orgasm

D. said...

This brings me back to last night actually! The experience was fantastic and I had two little organsims and my man was wanting me to have "one." I was just not getting there and at some point the pressure can become a distraction too.
Of course the thoughts came into my mind if I should fake it to make him feel better or not. I opted for not and just told him that it might not happen for me tonight. I didn't want to lie to him because I feel connected with him in so many ways that it wasn't worth it for me.
I was at that point fine with him having his big moment and actually that action turned me on and I was able to orgasim right after. Funny how things work sometimes.
I think the pressure was then off me and I was able to relax more. Every experience is differnet and for women, it varies more often I think. I must say however, that I would rather a guy try to pleasure me first and take that time then just be about himself.

T said...

Wooo... the pressure to cum.

I had a guy once ask me, "Did you cum yet?"

I was all, "Dude. If you have to ask then 'no'."

I have known some women who, all the way up into their 30's, have never had an orgasm. Some women may not even know what's pleasurable to them because they've never masturbated. Shame was associated with exploring their sexuality. I wouldn't be surprised if these women faked it.

And unfortunately, a man's actions may or may not bring a woman to orgasm. It might work for one woman but not for another. We're all different, have different needs, enjoy different things, have different sized and shaped girlie bits...

Thinking too much also hinders the orgasm. As well as the comfort level with the partner. Body awareness or insecurities hamper them too.

There are numerous reasons why a woman would fake an orgasm. She wants the guy to think she's hot... even when she may or may not be feeling sexual or beautiful or hot. Maybe she doesn't know what makes her orgasm and is ashamed to admit it. Maybe she's in pain and doesn't want to admit that to her lover. We want our man to feel that they're with someone who desires them. We want to feel desired in return.

But all that aside, I still think honesty is the best way to overcome (pun intended) the need to fake it.

Momma Sunshine said...

You raise some good points, T.

I giggled to myself at "Dude. If you have to ask then 'no'."

Umm...yeah. Been there, done that, NEVER going back. Thank GOD for a sexually compatible partner, is all I'm gonna say.

ZenMom said...

I can't say that I've never done this. But, fortunately, I haven't needed or wanted to in many years. (Yay, me.)

But, yeah, I admit that I've faked it in the past. Why? Sometimes just to get it over with and/or spare the guy's feelings. There, I said it. It happens. It's not necessarily a reflection on the guy. (Though, yeah, sometimes it is.)

Like you said, sometimes you're just not that into it for whatever reason.

BUT, like I said, I don't do it anymore. And I don't recommend it in any kind of serious relationship - Honestly is a better policy.

Momma Sunshine said...

Y'know what just occurred to me, too? Guys (SOME guys, not all) need to learn how to respect the, "It's just not gonna happen tonight, honey" explanation. I've been with guys who were insistent, "oh no, you're GOING to have an orgasm before I'm done with you". Yeah...that kind of attitude led to faking it on my part. 'Cuz he just wasn't going to get off of me otherwise.

Not proud of it, no, but it happened. And was symptomatic of way bigger problems, I might add.

Amber said...

I'm with Momma Sunshine.
I think it's ok if I don't get one. I'm perfectly happy letting him have his turn, and maybe pouncing on him later when I feel worked up.
There are plenty of things to make me not have the ability to have an orgasm, but those are really personal reasons, and I doubt if anyone shares the same sentiments.
In my marriage I prefer to tell him.
In the past I preferred to fake it.

That One Mom said...

Living with five guys in college, I have had this conversation all too many times. Women fake orgasms. Period. Not all of the time, not in every relationship, but it happens.

When I was a young idealist, I used to say I would never, ever do it. I didn't understand why one would fake it. If you faked it, your partner would never really learn how to get you there and you'd end up settling for a less than great sex life.

As I've gotten older, I've accepted that sometimes, it's just not gonna happen, and that's ok. BUT, sometimes a man needs that extra little push (sounds and visual stimulation of a woman getting hers) to get over that edge. And honestly, marathon sex isn't always an option, so you've gotta throw him a bone!

dadshouse said...

If some woman is faking orgasm, it may not be because the guy sucks at sex. It might be because she's not raising her sexual energy properly. That can happen for a variety of reasons.

I think it's silly for a woman to put her orgasm on the man's ego. It might be her problem she's not getting off. It might have nothing to do with this particular guy.

Travis said...

I'm all about taking care of her first. And I will take the time and effort that is needed to make sure that happens. faking just isn't ever really an issue. I rarely find myself in position where I'm not in control of how I'm feeling. Of course there was that one time, where she got a kick out of if that I was loosing control.

Anonymous said...

I have never faked one!

Anonymous said...

What if you fake that you didn't cum?! I can orgasm fairly easily in a variety of ways (practice helps) and there are some days that once my trigger get tripped look out! But it can be just as embarrassing/uncomfortable to answer to, "Did you just cum...AGAIN?!" "Damn girl...Slow down."

chocdrop said...

I admit that I cum pretty easy, so faking has not been in my vocabulary. Nothing has prevented me from the "O" except time (premature). If I cum that easy and you can't do it without cumming first, we have a problem.

Aren't they old enough to know better and to learn to control it. It's not rocket science but takes a little effort.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Look if a woman has faked it with me rather than telling me what I can do better, her loss. If it's a matter of "just finish up and get off of me" I'm okay with that cause if she's not into it, it's very hard for me to finish.

Now I would be foolish to think that a woman hasn't faked it with me at least once, but I'm confident that in my best relationship (the one I have now if you're playing at home) that there isn't any faking going on.

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