Friday, November 20, 2009

Sawing Logs

I slept on the couch last night. Not because I did anything wrong, but because I snore and my wife, who has always been a light sleeper, can no longer stand the dulcet tones of my sawing logs. The night before I woke up at 3am to find my wife and her pillow gone from the bed. This means one of two things: 1) One of the kids woke up and she needed to be with them in the living room or 2) My snoring kept her awake and the only way she could get some damn sleep was to go to the couch.

It's usually number 2.

I fucking hate that it's usually number 2.

When I was a kid, there was a joke in Mad Magazine where a mom was giving advice to her daughter:

The mother said, "Don't sleep with a man before you marry him."

The daughter says, "Okay."

"And don't marry a man who snores," says the mother.

The daughter replies, "But how will I know?"

Funny right? But it was the snoring part of the joke that has always haunted me. 'Don't marry a man who snores.'

I hate that I snore. I hate that people can't stand to sleep in the same room as me. I sometimes wake myself up as a result of my own snoring.

I've tried the strips. I've gargled the mouthwash. I've slept on the pillows. I've done the tests. It's not life-threatening sleep apnea. It's just snoring.

So when my wife is forced out the warm comfort of our bed because of me, I try to give her a night of peace and sleep on the couch. Cause I'm good like that. And because I'm guilty about it.

Mornings are hard enough. Waking up alone when you're married is the worst.

14 comments:

dadshouse said...

My mom snores like crazy. Thankfully, I don't share a room with her. Though when we were kids and staying in a motel room, no one slept. (We'd sit there cracking up that she could snore so loud!)

TentCamper said...

I snore...not every night (I don't think) but sometimes it gets bad...a few months ago, while out in the woods tent camping, I was woken up by the people yelling at me from a few campsites away.. Yelling to stop snoring...they could not sleep.

That was embarrassing

But you are right. Waking up alone sucks...big time. First thought- shit...what did I do?
Second thought- I need my baby here to snuggle with
Third thought- who is sick or who needs a doctor.

ZenMom said...

Oh, that sucks. I'm sorry!

I had the worst snoring as a teen, along with sleep apnea. I ended up having surgery to fix my deviated septum and remove my adenoids. All better.

My husband can snore pretty good every now and then. But, fortunately, I can usually just sleep right through it.

I hope you and WW can find a solution that lets you both stay warm and comfy and together in your own bed!

Keith Wilcox said...

I used to snore too. I don't anymore, but I can't say why not. It used to irritate the heck out of my wife -- and me. You're a good guy for giving her some peace :-)

Surfer Jay said...

My wife is snoring so loud while being pregnant I have to wear ear plugs.

Surfer Jay said...

My wife is snoring so loud while being pregnant I have to wear ear plugs.

chocdrop said...

Being a person who snores sucks. I am always afraid to fall asleep on planes and cars. I will wear myself thin staying awake as to not reveal such an awful annoying noise.

Plus I am a girl and that makes it more unattractive.

Nonflammable said...

You sleep on your back?

Daddy Geek Boy said...

@dadshouse...My mom snores too, though she refuses to admit it.

@tentcamper...My first thought whenever I see the empty side of the bed is, "Oh shit, I've done it again." Sucks.

@zenmom...I had my adenoids removed when I was 5. I had my deviated septum repaired when I was 15. Neither stopped the snoring.

@Keith...Thanks man. I firmly believe that my marriage will suffer if I don't.

@SurferJay...WW™ used to wear ear plugs. But she doesn't like to not be able to hear the kids if they call.

@choc...I used to fall asleep in film class when they showed us boring movies. Same thing. Embarrassing.

@nonflammable...I fall asleep on my stomach and have been told that I'm a side sleeper. I can't fall asleep on my back, as it makes the snoring much, much worse.

Barefoot Dreamer said...

My hubby snores - always has. I used to kick him to get him to stop. Now, I sleep right through it. In fact I wake when he stops - thinking he is dead? seriously - don't know how I got used to it, but I did.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

@Barefoot...May I ask how long you've been married?

LiteralDan said...

I also snore, but not constantly, and thankfully my wife isn't a light sleeper, so it's not usually a problem except if I fall asleep too long before her.

With all that stuff you've tried, have you ever gone to a sleep study place? They might be able to help you.

In the meantime, buy your wife a nice set of earplugs!

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Dan...I did the sleep study. At those things, they're looking to see if you have sleep apnea or not, which is really bad. I do not.

WW™ used to use ear plugs and that worked out for a while, but now she doesn't want to not be able to hear the kids if they cry out at night. And I'm a heavy sleeper so if there's a problem at night, I'm not going to be much help.

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