Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Man Rules

I seem to recall someone [maybe even me?] posting something like this before, but I'll be damned if I can find it, so here we go.

Besides, it's been so long since I've contributed anything besides lame answers to the Ask the Hot Dads column, I'm desperate.

THE MAN RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.

WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES "
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.

THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS, IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES OR NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY , WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
AND IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1.. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS...

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT I T IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION THAT YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO=2 0SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .

A1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, HOCKEY OR GOLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH.

20 comments:

Just Jules said...

these hang front in center in our hunting shack....then again the rule at the hunting shack is lid up in the outhouse....

I do like the don't hint rule - good to know you guys really just don't get hints.

Amber said...

I've learned to be very specific
un oh, if sleeping on the couch is like camping, maybe I should consider a new place

Susan said...

I am going to post these on our refrigerator.

Just on Father's Day.

That's it.

TentCamper said...

This, my friend is going to be incorporated into my teachings with my boys. it will also be prominently placed on the frige!!

I love it!

Homer and Queen said...

I agree with them all except #1...Seriously? You don't need directions? Too funny!

Ashley said...

I kinda disagree with #1.....oh, wait, they're all #1....hmm.

;)

~Thought's By Dena~ said...

oh man am I sooo happy you sent me over here to check this out!!!! but honestly #1 has got to go!!!!! hehe

Coolred38 said...

I cant believe you didnt include #1...yes...we do want sex all the time...regardless of your emotional state and whether or not we are suffering illness, financial losses, sport team sucks, best friend sucks, parent died, children awake...whatever it is...we still want sex. nuff said.

dadshouse said...

Haha - I love how they are all rule number one. Then when The Man is enjoying a beer or Manhattan, and is feeling all ornery and bothered by some request his woman makes, he can just say "need I remind you of rule number 1?"

Enough said!

Mama Kat said...

I don't care about your list...just TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT. What does it take to get things DONE around here!?!

Cameron said...

Great list Hubman....I especially like the one, 'if at all possible, say what you have to say during commercials'. I'd like to append this though, to exclude beer commercials or commercials with monkeys, cuz those are funny and we don't want to miss them.

Not a soccer mom said...

Now, that I finally have the rule book, I can find the man of my (his own) dreams.
thanks Hubman!

ChocDrop said...

I love these, they crack me up.
My favorite is #1!!!! lol

Lady Mama said...

hahaha... but I'll never stand down on the toilet seat rule!

Gwen said...

I never had a problem with the toilet seat being up, after all it's just one motion of the hand to put it down. But now that my daughter uses it...well she has a tiny ass and has fallen into the toilet because my husband forgot to put it down. That's why it matters, dude. The other rules can stand, I suppose. The one about hints gives me pause...I do that all the time and I know it's annoying.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

What a cop out for a post HUBMAN!!! :) lol.

anyway... those rules suck... and I don't get rule number 1... probably cause I'm female.

hehehe

SweetPeaSurry said...

he he he ... I love the "Men's rules" and I believe I had them posted on one of my blogs. Even though I'm a girl, I certainly understand the woes of men. I do have two brothers and a father.

Always funny though, every time!

Tishia said...

These are hilarious. I've never seen them before.

cjrambling said...

Just found your sight last night...am LOVING it so far. This particular post is one I've seen (and responded to) before, so I decided to repost my response here.

TheKitchenWitch said...

I am in shape. Round is a shape. LOVE it!

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