Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Do adults with children have friends?

I don’t know if I just have this whole adult/parent thing all jumbled up in my head…or if what this post is gong to (hopefully) be about is legitimate.

I’ve had conversations with Mariah before about this but it seems that I never really have my thoughts straight. I am talking about having friends. Do adults with children have friends? Are said parents just friends with whoever their kids’ friends’ parents are?

I don’t know if parents are supposed to have friends, in the same manner that they did before having kids. If they are, do they go out for a drink or to catch a movie with said friends? Or do they just sit and socialize while their respective kids are having ‘play dates?’

I know that as an adult and as a parent, that the mundane things like working, feeding, clothing and caring for your children top the priority list, but I still can’t help feeling friendless. There are a few guys (yes…they are parents of some of our kids’ friends) that I like and love to ‘hang’ with. But with all of our personal and kids’ schedules all it ever seems to be is 15 minutes of shooting the shit while picking up or dropping off a kid. Is that they way it is supposed to be? Am I diluted to think that more is to be expected?

I suppose that it is not that big of a deal right now due to the fact that I do not have the time in the evening…or the money to go grab a few beers and catch a movie with my dad friends…but if I did…is that what people do?

A few months ago I tried to set up a guys’ poker night at my house. I wanted to start with a few guys once a month. After emailing 7 neighborhood dads…I got one that said he could do it…not the makings of a good poker night. I guess I just need to admit defeat and disregard my thoughts of having friends outside of our kids’ world.

No matter how many times I tell the kids, “It is not all about you!” I am the one that is full of shit. It IS all about the kids. I guess I am answering my own original question here and now am starting to understand that whole mid-life-crisis thing. Suck it up, do the kid thing and then once the kids are out of the house and off in the world making their marks…that is when we (parents) begin to reclaim our lives and try to pick up where we left off (before kids.)

Don’t get me wrong…I love the kids and love doing everything that I can to make them happy and loved. This has just been one of those nagging things bouncing around in the back of my skull for a while. …I guess I have rambled enough about this and if it made no sense to you…..whatever…I feel better just getting it out.

You know me….just peeing in the wind!!!!

19 comments:

Barney said...

You have to have time for just you...
Im a single parent of 2 - but I have to stay in touch with "me"... my kids come first.. but I still find time to hang w/friends with out the kids.. whether its just to walk around the lake.. grab a drink and catch up.. head out to lunch on a saturday afternoon...whatever.. you still need YOU time...

ChocDrop said...

Tent you have to have adult friends. You need time to yourself. I used to feel nuts if I did not have sometime out. I mean a quick drink and an appetizer is always good. Takes up about the same amount of time as a movie.

Just Jules said...

I get it. I don't care how many people comment and say - you have to go out....blah blah.... but, I tell you what -it is a very real question. I even have it jotted on a piece of paper as a blog idea "finding friends as a mom" ....

I have done several things - started a mom's group, called friends for movies etc. - it is a different relationship then before kids came along and it can be disturbing really.

How do you meet friends now? At the preschool drop off line, they are too freakin busy too, at the bar - wrong... it is just all screwed up. Plus, then you always have the possibility that your kids don't get along or the spouses clash!

I swear it is impossible! Hubby has problems too. The guys do occasionally plan a fishing trip for the weekend, but not without guilt and struggle.

I am told there comes a time when the kids aren't home as much that friends come back - it just seems like an impossible time away to be friendless... doesn't it.

sorry, this is a very big topic on my mind lately too!

Ronald10021 said...

My real life friends come from several worlds---my gated community, my kids' schools/camps/activities, the synagogue, the civic associations I am involved with and work.....and I network -- a lot -- and go out for business lunches and drinks when I can -- to have some semblance of normalcy. Good luck.

April said...

The only friends we really have are the ones that my husband works with and then we usually just hang out with them on holidays. Not the 'family' ones (X-mas, Thanksgiving...) but on the fun ones like 4th of July and Memorial Day. We are just too dang busy with all 3 kids. Other than that, we usually just hang out with family. Kinda sad huh.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

I have a really tight group of friends. Been friends since college and have been hanging out together since we all moved to SoCal after graduation. That said, it gets harder and harder to maintain the quality of friendship. We're all busy. We're all tired. When we do hang out, we usually tap out at 11pm cause we all gotta get up the next morning.

I am working to become better friends with the parents of my kids' friends. However, it's hard. It's hard to start over.

But it's totally important. I love my wife. I love my kids. But every once in a while, I gotta do something for me.

TentCamper said...

Thanks for that everyone!! ...Maybe if DGB ever jumps the hill to my neck of the woods...we could get a few beers and ...who knows...become friends.

Keep the comments comin...

Daddy Geek Boy said...

But I live in the Valley. I signed a waver saying that I would never leave.

Homer and Queen said...

My hubby as always been close with his bros and friends from high school, so that is who he golfs with, sports, etc.

The hard part is getting couple friends!

Not a soccer mom said...

Well I may be different than the other posters because I am a single parent, and some get 'weekends' off.
I however did not get time to myself as my ex lives too far away to see the kids. But, that said, I still found time for myself and friends or I would have gone insane.
I once dated a man who would always turn down nights out with my friends so that we could go with his. I lost a lot of friends in that relationship and will not do that again.
Also, as they get older, you have more time away without the guilt

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

How funny... I wrote something KINDA similar to this but not in my Real World venus vs. mars site... but I get ME time. I make sure that I have a Girls Night Out at LEAST once a month if not more.

I HAD to find myself outside of my kids or I would lose who I was... i found that happening. Everything we were doing was involving what the kids were doing... so we recognized it and turned that around

However, finding another couple that feels the same way that we do... that's HARd to find!!!

Lady Mama said...

It's one of those things - making friends - either you really click, or you really don't.

I was lucky to meet a group of women that I really clicked with when I had my first son. We get together for playdates, but we also go to dinner once a month, and on a girls' weekend away once a year.

Men, though (sorry to generalize but) - I find they don't seem to make friends with other Dads as easily.. not sure why. My husband's best friends are still the ones he had before we had kids, from school, work etc.

Sandi said...

well there were times in my children's lives when I didn't have much of one. Honestly as I grew as a parent I found more ME time. I realized if I didn't, I would quite literally explode. It was just as much FOR my children as me. I don't get out as often as I would if I didn't have kids and I'll be honest I am not really *friends* with any of my kid's friends parents.. I'll say hi and all that jazz but nothing major. I have a group of friends I hang out with. I go watch a local band every now and then and it's always a great time. It gets things out of my system then I am ready to be all mom again. :) I have done it both ways. I really was a bit of a reclusive person for awhile and it did not work out for me. I did it for way too long. Nothing wrong with finding the occasional night to do something by yourself.

LiteralDan said...

I'm with you on this. I'm not even at the point where my kids really even have any friends. I miss at least having "work friends".

What friends I did manage to scrounge up after leaving Illinois for Maine I gave up after leaving Maine for Illinois, so I pretty much just hang out around the house these days,

Going out to find friends as an adult just seems so awkward and strange-- see the movie "I Love You, Man". So kids' friends' parents it is, at least until I go back to work somewhere, someday.

Tsquared417 said...

Keep bugging your guy friends...they'll come around eventually. I started a Mom's group with my friends (and not all of them are my kids' friends so there) and it took a while to get people to take the "night off" and come, but now we do it once a month and I look forward to it immensely...and so do they! We have a ton of fun. You HAVE to have adult friends...and you time. Go for it!!

Barney said...

Question...

when is the next install of ask Hot Dads coming out?

TentCamper said...

We will do Ask Hot Dads every Monday...as we get questions. Send in questions and we'll gladly educate you all.

Mariah said...

Fuck the kids--lets ditch this place. I'm bored, thirsty and horney

Amber said...

I'm thankful that I have enough time to balance out friends with kids and friends without. Keep trying, eventually your effort will pay off.

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