Sunday Slides, Funny.

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about the psychology of mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap; I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

Bwahahahahaha


1. Ha! There ya go then!
2. Lol thats so true!


3. hehehehe


4. Looks like my kids reaction!



Never Argue with a Woman




One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.




Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.



She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.



The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.



He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'




'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')




'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'




'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.




'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.




'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'




'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.




MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.



It's likely she can also think.




Caption Contest.


Well there ya go hope y'all have a big ole Sunday!!! Maybe you won't let TC win again this week!

Raising Girls is Easy

I grew up in a house full of boys, so when my daughter was born, I had no idea what it would be like raising a girl. Let me say for the record - it's been easy. Far easier than raising a son.

Boys are a terror. I know this from the grief my brothers and I gave to my dear mom. We broke things like crazy. Windows. Toys. Each other. (No broken bones, but plenty of stitches.) We ran around the house like wild animals, yelling and screaming. We wrestled until there were tears. We aimed slingshots and bee-bee guns at each other, sometimes even firing. (Like a Jon and Kate divorce proceeding. Ha!)

Where was brother protective services when we needed it?

While my son isn't quite that out of control, he is a handful. He amuses himself by building things that are way too dangerous for public use, then inviting his friends to use them. Like the time he hung a wooden platform from a tree branch, piled it with patio furniture, then had everyone get on - only to see it collapse. (No one was seriously injured in the writing of this blog post.)

He also loves starting fires, which I admit comes in handy when we're cooking homemade hamburgers, or fixing our Jamaican grilled chicken marinade recipe. But fire isn't such a great idea when he's supposed to be in his room doing homework, but is actually lighting matches and melting candle wax all over his desk. WTF!

Men and fire.

My daughter has been a piece of cake. She does her homework, keeps a tidy room, never talks back. Oh sure, she could help more often around the house. But she's so sweet, and so good at keeping her nose clean, I kind of don't care. She's seventeen, and far from a loose girl - she's more focused on getting into college than getting pregnant. So there are no early-grandpa fears for me! (Watch, she has a drawer full of sex toys I don't know about. Ha.)

It's not just home life, though. Sports teams have been way easier with her. Granted, girls can be catty at times, but they'd rather get along than not. Plus, the coaches early on were usually moms, as opposed to manic Little League dads. As a result, my daughter's teams had way better parental camaraderie (i.e. parties!) I love watching my daughter do her sports.

So, next time someone tells me what a headache their daughter has been, I will knock on wood and say a little thank you that my daughter has been so easy.

Unless, of course, my son already lit that particular piece of wood on fire. Or hung it from a tree.

Doh!

Vay Kay Shun

It's really happening. After talking about it and planning it for what seems like several years (even though it's only been 9 months or so), the Geek Boy family is taking our first vacation. I've been trying not to be all Clark Griswold about it, but I have gone out and bought a vacation guide so we'll know how to best navigate the island of Maui with the kids in tow. Oh yeah, did I mention we're going to Hawaii?

Thankfully, Southern California is only a 5 hour plane ride from the magical islands of one of our best states. WonderWife™ and I are east coasters, so we've done the 5 hour plane ride before. (Okay, I'll admit that I personally have not done it with two kids, that honor goes to WW™ who did it by herself--twice.) But once we're on vacation, what then? Are the kids going to go crazy with the general lethargy and lack of structure that comes with a vacation? Or somehow will they get into the spirit and kick back with us? Only time will tell.

So all of you awesome Hot Dads readers, I open up the comment section for you to discuss your family vacation strategies, stories and tips. I've got to go finish packing. Now where did I leave my sunscreen and Speedos? *


*Kidding of course. I never use sunscreen.

The Man Rules

I seem to recall someone [maybe even me?] posting something like this before, but I'll be damned if I can find it, so here we go.

Besides, it's been so long since I've contributed anything besides lame answers to the Ask the Hot Dads column, I'm desperate.

THE MAN RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.

WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES "
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.

THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1 " ON PURPOSE!
1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT.
YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN.
WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN.
YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. SUNDAY SPORTS, IT'S LIKE THE FULL MOON OR THE CHANGING OF THE TIDES. LET IT BE.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES OR NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY , WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
AND IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1.. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS...

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL BE SCRATCHED.
WE DO THAT.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT I T IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION THAT YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO=2 0SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE... REALLY .

A1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, HOCKEY OR GOLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;


BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH.

Memorial Day Long Weekend

So, over the past week I have had the luxury of spending some quality time with all of the kids and just about every one of them has amazed me…in one way or the other.

On a drive home I was asked, “oh, is that your news building?” as we passed the FOX building. I replied, “Yes, I think it is.” Then “Oh, yep…it is…I can see the satellites on the roof” billowed from the back seat. Immediately following that came, “Who invented the Internet?” I responded with “I think it was a group of guys…” Not allowing me to even finish the statement I was hit over the head with, “yeah…the old TVs you had to touch…the new ones you use a remote.”
Being that I could not piece together the thought process behind this string on random statements that came out as a conversation…I just sat there and nodded (with a confused look on my face.)

Next…at a Caribbean restaurant, while we were waiting for our food, I was asked….”Are you getting the corn on the cock?” I quickly replied, “Corn on the COB? Yes. I did order corn on the cob. (I could barely hold in the laughter.)

I was also told, in the not so distant past, that with our new FiOS TV service, that we can ‘INCESTaneously’ get movies for free. (I believe that she was trying to say instantaneously.)

Well….the list goes on and on…I’m sure you get why I question the Santa Monica school system.

Ask Hot Dads

With the questions now starting to flow in...here are Hot Dads' answers to what you all have been asking. Remember...our wisdom is infinate, intense and coveted by schollars throughout the world...so take it slow and easy.

Keep the questions coming in...OR - try to stump us. Ask questions that you think we can't answer.

ChocDrop asked: What are your favorite things to do with your kids?

TentCamper says: roughhouse, front yard sports, homework, go to the beach. Also, with my kids I like to sit back and just watch them. I am either completely amazed with them or am shell-shocked at some of the insane things that they do and say.

DadsWhoMockTheWorld says: Garden, rough house, matchbox/hot wheels, tea parties (for the daughter)

DaddyGeekBoy says: I love taking them to amusement parks. I love taking my son to movies and can’t wait till my daughter is old enough to join us. The park is always a fun adventure. And I love eating our way through a good farmer’s market.

DadsHouse says: Eat dinner. We do it nightly, the half-time they are in my house.

Hubman says: Damn near anything, but I especially enjoy one-on-one time with my son, what he calls "man time". It can be as simple as he and going for a little bike ride or as big as a long weekend road trip, just he and I, to my mothers. My daughter is still a bit young (3), but any time that she spends with me instead of clinging to mom is cool. We've taken to laying in the hammock in the yard together after dinner and chatting about whatever comes from her pea-sized little brain.

Southern Sage says: Watch them learn, you know when you are teaching them and see the light bulb come on in their head. I love that and I love when they succeed at anything that they have had to prepare for, like sports if they really practice hard for it then succeed at it that’s excellent.

LiteralDan says: My two favorite things would probably be reading books and playing soccer at the park, closely followed by "watching movies" with them, which involves them sitting next to me on the couch hypnotized while I nod off happily. Does that make me a bad person?


ChocDrop asked: When you have some 'alone' time, what is the one thing you do to help you reach the big 'O'?

TentCamper says: I don’t really need much help in that department…my Mariah does all that I could ever need. We sometimes watch porn but our collection has been collecting dust lately.

DadsWhoMockTheWorld says: Porn

DaddyGeekBoy says: I find touching my penis with my hand is quite effective.

DadsHouse says: Go on a date!

Hubman says: First a nice wholesome kid question, then this? I'm a very visual person, so it usually involves porn of some sort. That, or think about my wife ;-)

Southern Sage says: Watch/read porn!


Shelle asked: We have a play group, where a bunch of us Mom's get together at a park or splash pad or eating establishment with a Play Place and talk while the kids play. Anyway... there is this Stay-at-Home-Dad in our neighborhood, who has kids my kids' age and I was wondering how awkward it would be for him if I asked him to join us??? Would he want to be asked? I know his kids would love it... but what do you guys think? I know most guys don't really care about feeling included or whatever... but maybe it would be a nice break for him in the day like it is for the rest of us???And then, if you think that I should invite him... uh... any tips on how to approach him about it? I'm not gonna lie I would be a tad bit nervous! :)

TentCamper says: I say invite him. I am one of those dads who ends up doing a lot of stuff with moms and although I sometimes feel a bit out of place or uninterested in where conversations go…I think I’d feel left out if I were not invited. I would say to just tell him that a group of you have regular play dates and that you’d love for them to join you when it fit their schedule. That way it would be up to him and he could go here and there. In my case…As a guy…I love being surrounded by women.

That being said…I hope you are considering this out of kindness and not that you think he is hot and want to have a little extra time around him. Yes…I know how women think. Behave yourself!

DaddyGeekBoy says: So let me get this straight…you’re worried about asking a SAHD to hang out with a bunch of hot moms so that his kids can play with their peers and he can have a few kid-free minutes to hang with adults? I don’t think you have any reason to be nervous about asking him. Worst thing he can do is say “no thanks.”

DadsHouse says: Yes, he would want to be asked!!!!! I'm a work-from-home single dad, and most neighborhood moms won't come near me with a ten foot pole. It's lonely! Just a cup of coffee would be nice, while the kids play. (My kids are older now, but when they were younger - playdates would have been nice.)

Just ask him - the kids would love to get together. Would he be into a playdate at the park?

Hubman says: Just ask him. Tell him there is a group of stay-at-home parents that gets together with the kids occasionally and ask if he like to join. If he asks in there are any others dads, be honest and tell him no. Otherwise, he figure it out and be happy to be around a bunch of young (maybe even good lookin') moms.

Southern Sage says: LOL! Well I would. What would be better than having 3-4-5-6 chicks and me. The odds are leaving my way so that would be cool but he would prolly only do that a time or two and get bored with it.

Well that might be the case, why not just let him drop his kids off then go have some alone time! Or go see his girl friend? He'd be more apt to be in for that.

Why nervous, just say hey us stay homers meet up every now and then and bring the kids to play together and talk and such. Wanna come?

LiteralDan says: I don't think it would be especially awkward at all, and I urge you to do it. With him being in the minority of the group, he's probably not going to put himself out there inviting himself over, so it's up to the rest of your to make him feel as welcome as all the other parents. The worst he can do is say no, and even if he does, I'd still ask at least a few more times in the future.

I, of all people, can understand about feeling nervous in that kind of social situation, but I say just approach it the same way you would any mom. Especially since you have a whole group, this should be a no-brainer. There's no way for him to misconstrue your invitation, and the public setting (as well as the short attention spans and unpredictable needs of children) offers him several easy outs if he shows up and comes to regret it.

Good luck!


Mariah asked: What would you do if your daughter was involved with someone who had “baggage” would you let her sort it out or would you point out the obvious signs?

TentCamper says: I think it would be important to discus with her past experiences that you’ve had…in similar circumstances, without pointing fingers at her boyfriend’s ‘baggage.” Then again, if his baggage is affecting her in a negative way, then I’d suggest kicking his ass stepping in. I do think, in general, that when kids get to be teens, they need to learn how to figure this shit out on their own…otherwise in college and as adults…they’ll be fucked!

DaddyGeekBoy says: When my younger sister was in the midst of her teenage dating fiasco years, I would constantly point out to her all of the things, obvious to me, that her boyfriends were doing and exactly where the situation was going to go wrong. Every single time she ignored my advice, only to come to me after the fact and say, “You were right.” I think you can point out the signs all of you want, but the chances are very good that your daughter isn’t going to listen. I think sometimes you have to let kids learn some lessons on their own. As long as she’s not getting mistreated, I’d just monitor the situation.

DadsHouse says: I'd put a contract out on the guy. (Just kidding! Watch me get arrested.)(This is tentcamper's answer, btw. NOT dadshouse.)I had a cousin involved with a sketchy guy. My dad tried talking to her about it. She didn't want to hear it. She was in her 20s. Teens, I think all you can do is ask questions about what your daughter wants for herself, and is she getting that in the relationship. i.e. let her figure out that the guy is sketchy and she should leave him. Don't tell her directly, or she'll just get mad.

Hubman says: What sort of "baggage" are we talking about? My girl is only 3, so I'm in complete denial about this ever happening. Yeah, I'm no help at all with this one....

Southern Sage says: I would point out the obvious signs, as well as point out the long term consequences of that baggage.

LiteralDan says: Not having kids in this age group, I hereby provide you with a giant grain of salt to take this advice with, but I'd say the best you can do is point out your concerns once, and then let them worm their way into her thought process. The more you push, the more she'll push back, and she just might end up eloping out of spite.

Conversely, maybe you should even actively embrace him in a way that will make him totally unappealing to her. Then pick out some safe nerd to forbid her from ever speaking to in any way. You should be all set then.


Mariah asked: I always thought it would be hot to dress up in heels and cook dinner in a sexy outfit and then feed you (TentCamper) foods that bring out feelings. Not sexual, (It could be, and would probably end there) but primarily focusing on the emotions by using certain foods and scents. Is this a girl thing? Would any of you Hot Dads find this hot?

TentCamper says: In concept, I don’t think it is just a girl thing, but I don’t see myself being emotionally triggered by foods (unless you are talking about seafood, Tequila or grape punch…which you know will make me vomit.) BUT…please feel free to dress in some skimpy, revealing outfit and serve me anything you want…we’ll see how it goes.

DaddyGeekBoy says: Yeah, that’d be kind of hot. But if you’re going to spend a meal getting us all worked up, there has to be a payoff. Otherwise it’s just mean.

DadsHouse says: Heels and boyshorts an a lacey bra would be so hot, you could venture into all the feelings territory you wanted. No problem!

Hubman says: What sort of sexy outfit? I think a picture is necessary to fully appreciate this question ;-)Seriously, I think this is a girl thing. I wonder what the other Hot Dads will have to say. Though if Veronica wants to dress up and cater to me, I would happily play along!

Southern Sage says: I always get turned on when eating. If you were going to do that for me just fry something, anything, that turns me on! Other than that the only scent I can think of I like is vanilla. I don't think I equate any scent with any emotion.

LiteralDan says: Sure, why not?? Any one part of that scenario is a winner, so all of them together is definitely a great idea. Now, if HE tries to put on heels when he cooks for you in return, that could be a sign you might be headed for some rocky days in the relationship.

Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

1. Surely thata kids mine!



A elderly, single, third grade teacher was informed she would have to teach sex education.
She was quite upset and refused the assignment. She didn't think she would actually be able to talk about the subject. Eventually, she changed her mind as the alternative was to be fired.
On the first day of school she drew a woman's body on the blackboard, pointed to the chest and asked the class "Does anyone know what this is called?"
Jane, who was sitting in the first row, raised her hand and answered "It's called a 'breast' and my mommy has two of them!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Then she drew a male body on the board, pointed to the groin, and asked "Does anyone know what this is called?"This time Billy raised his hand. "I know what it is! It's called a 'penis' and my daddy has two of them."

"That's the right name," said the teacher, but I don't think your daddy has two of them."
"Yes he does!" said Billy. "He has a little one he uses to pee, and a big one he uses to brush mommy's teeth."

2. Tent campers Halloween costume.



3. Ha! That is something I'd do!



4. hehehe Ok I'll sign up as a lickee!



Last week was my birthday, and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and
possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone " Happy Birthday."

I thought...

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...

They will remember.


My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office,

I felt pretty low, and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! "

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, "You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me."

I said, "Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.
Let's go !"

We went to lunch.

But we didn' t go where we normally would go.

She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table.

We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, "You know, It's such a beautiful day...

We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?"

I responded, "I guess not.

What do you have in mind ?"

She said, "Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner."


After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said," Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back."

"Ok." I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing "Happy Birthday".


And I just sat there...




On the couch...



Naked.

Caption Contest!



Well there ya go. Give it your best shot!!! TC is killin y'all on the captions!

Have a groovy Sunday and great extended weekend!

I am a wood slut

Ok…so if you haven’t guessed yet…I have a slight problem. You see, we are a family that loves the outdoors and we tend to camp a lot and we also take advantage of the great weather here in Southern California and sit out by our fire pit several nights a week.

The problem is that I have gotten to that place where I refuse to buy that stupid freakin ‘balsa’ fire wood that the local grocery stores sell for $6.00 per bundle of 5 logs. I am also unwilling to spend $50 per load of wood from the local firewood yard.

My thing is that I drive around town and stop at lumber yards and construction sites, ask them for any of their scrap wood. It works perfectly for camping and our fire pit…and it is free. I can load up the back of the car and have a week’s worth of wood with only a little bit of cutting with my saw.

I’m sure that this does not sound so bad right now, but it has gotten bad…I could be compared to a drug addict, on a quest for my next fix. I have been known to slam on the breaks, with a car full of people, throw the car in reverse…just to check out a new construction site. Driving down the street, I crane my neck as I pass by lucrative site, to see if there is any junk wood. When I start getting low on wood, I make a point of dedicating a 2 hour window of my day to troll the streets for my pot of gold.

Given the above…Mariah and the kids have all begun calling me; “Wood Slut”, “Wood Whore”, “Scrap Addict”, “Scrap Junkie” and other derogatory names. At first I did not mind, but ….an I sick? Do I need help? Is there a 12-step support group for this?

Well…I gotta run. It is Friday and I need wood for the weekend!

Library, by Russ

It's been a while since I posted, so I figured it was time to pull at least a little bit of my weight around here.

I take my kids to the library for story time. By and large it is pretty painless. There are a couple of hot moms there so I always have someone to look at (only the sly, not leering like a perv). Most of the time Mr. B is running around with his gaggle of girls (ahh to be three again) which leaves me to hold Miss L and converse with the other dad in the class, or if I'm real lucky, one of the moms will take pity on me and start a conversation (usually prompted by her darling child bludgeoned Mr. B).

Now, for Mr. B's class, the librarian is kind of cute. Not in the traditional sense of the word, but she does have a bit of the librarian/Catholic school girl/girl next door thing going. I'm having a hard time finding the appropriate amount of time to talk with her. (Normally, I would say hi and bye, but Mr. B absolutely adores her so we end up staying late while he attempts to talk with her. Go for those older women!)

So after you get past the normal pleasantries, how long should I talk with her without seeming like I'm hitting on her? Right now I'm being saved by Miss L demanding that she get her lunch 15 minutes ago, but that won't always be.

Instruction Guys

There are two types of guys in the world: those who read instructions and those who don’t.

I’m the former. If something comes with an instruction book, be it a new camera or a new car, I’m compelled to read the thing cover to cover. I want to know what my stuff does and how to make it do it. I like to squirrel myself away into a quiet corner of the house, crack open the book and read and tinker until I’ve hit the back cover. Every once in a while I usually call out to WonderWife™, “Do you know that [gadget] does [incredibly cool thing]?” And she calls back, “I don’t care!”

There are a lot of guys on the other side of the fence. Guys who don’t bother with instructions—either because they like to figure things out for themselves or they just don’t care enough about the bells and whistles to spend the time.

Kids don’t come with instructions, but there is a plethora of parenting books. Since I am an instruction guy, I have read my share. A few of my friends also went the book route. But there are some, not instruction guys, who went into this parenting thing blind. My experience with dads is that we don’t sit around swapping parenting tips. We will boast about our offspring and share battle stories, but advice between dads seems to be few and far between.

It’s easy to be an instruction guy. But how do non-instruction guys learn about this stuff?

--DGB

Hot Mama Awards

If any of you have been looking for some hotties to follow…or would like the scoop on some of the coolest mommy bloggers out there…I am now officially announcing the next round of Hot Mamas. Not only are these blogs; interesting, funny, engaging and informative but the authors are HOT and really know how to represent mommies, bloggers and MILFs…on a global level.

GO CHECK EM OUT. ADD THEM TO YOUR BLOGROLLS AND SHOW THEM THE COMMENT LOVE THAT THEY DESERVE!!!!

I officially welcome the following to Hot Dads’ Hot Mama posse....lead by the one and only ManicMariah


Another Suburban Mom
Dirt & Noise
Harassed Mom
For A Different Kind Of Girl
I Am Divorced Not Dead
Life According To Candice
Lulaville
Mommy In Pink
Motherhood in NYC
QTMamma’s Blog
Single Mom In The City
SwirlGirl’sPearls
TexasWorldTangle
The Quest For T
the world according to me
Two Dogs Running

You have officially been selected as the newest HOT MAMAs.

*To the new additions...there are only a few things that you need to do:
Put the Hot Mama image on your blog (copy from the Hot Dads blog) with the link to us.
Go to http://labeldaddy.blogspot.com/2009/05/dad-blogger-of-year.html and nominate me for coolest daddy blogger (feel free to tell your friends to do the same.)
Post something soon about becoming a Hot Mama!

Congrats!!!!

Ask Hot Dads

Veronica asks: How important is it to you that a woman wear sexy underwear? What do you all consider sexy bedtime wear?

TentCamper says: This is a tricky subject for me…Mariah…rarely wears underwear….and I have to say that there ain’t nuttin wrong with a woman going commando. As for what I think is sexy, I’d have to say ‘cheekies’ with a bit of lace and a tank top.

DadsWhoMockTheWorld says: Somewhat, I want my woman to be comfortable with herself. That is sexy. Now if she is comfortable in something naughty, that is the best of both worlds. What do I consider sexy bedtime wear? Nightgowns (silk or satin, not the flannel), baby dolls, or, if I can get it, nude.

Dad’s House says: VERY important. Thongs are hot. Boyshorts are hotter. Granny underpants are a mood killer, to say the least.For bed - a T-shirt and panties is plenty sexy for me. Whatever I can get my hands into and under, and easily remove.

AlwaysHomeAndUncool says: Being the visually oriented creatures we are, sexy lingerie is a definite. Nudity is great and all, but after a while, one bare thang starts to look like another. Keep a little mystery alive and intrigue us. Often.

DaddyGeekBoy says: It depends. Are we going out? Are we staying in? Or are we just running to Target to pick up some toilet paper and diapers? Like all great things, some moderation is necessary. If they are worn all of the time, they can lose their seductive power. Think about how good that sexy lace thong is going to look after you’ve been wearing a big ol’ pair of granny panties for a few days. As for sexy bedtime wear? Why nothing at all.

Hubman Says: Well, my dear (Veronica is my wife, for those of you who didn't know that...), I love love love that your lingerie drawer consists of nothing but matching thong and panties sets, so it's very important to me. Wanna see, guys? Go check out her HNT on May 7th. I enjoying knowing what is underneath whatever conservative business attire you're wearing to the office. And I like it even more when you picture message me what you're wearing!Bedtime? Nothing more than a thong or g-string, and if you must, a t-shirt ;-)


ChocDrop asked: I know that for men sex is very important. But aside from sex, men… what are your wants/needs of being physical/intimate with your S.O. or whoever???

TentCamper says: There is something besides sex????? If so, and if I understand your question the right way, I’d have to say I love blow jobs and mutual (watching each other) masturbation…and public fondling - If you were getting at things like holding hands and hugging and stuff, I would say honesty and open communication.

DadsWhoMockTheWorld says: Conversation. Seriously. Not the details of the day to day minutiae, but vacation plans, or life, or books.

Dad’s House says: Huh? You can be physical/inimate without having sex? Um... huh?

AlwaysHomeAndUncool says: It is important for all people, according to Darwin; however, some of us have our priorities in a certain order. My wants and needs, like yours, depend on the time of day, the scenario, my mood, your mood, etc. Ask, suggest or just try something. I'll let you know when enough is too much or too little. I'm flexible that way and, once I take up yoga, I may be in many other ways, too.

DaddyGeekBoy says: Touch is very important. A rub of the shoulders. A caress of the arm. A light scratch at the small of the back. These are the intimate moments that are just as important as sex.

Hubman Says: Sex alone isn't enough, which is very good for me, since Veronica is very affectionate. We kiss numerous times throughout the day, randomly grope each other when the kids aren't looking (and sometimes when they are...). For us, it's almost like foreplay is a day long process. In terms of actual intimacy, sometimes she is my little fuck toy for me to use as I please, but sometimes what I really want is to turn out the lights, get under the covers, and make love with her. Fortunately, she feels the same way!


ChocDrop asked: Do you guys collect anything? If not, what would you collect?

TentCamper says: Besides porn….I collect hula girls. (not live ones…yet) the little bobble ones (or anything with a hula girl on it.)

DadsWhoMockTheWorld says: No. I take photos, so I guess I would collect photos.

Dad’s House says: I collect memories of my children. I also collect phone numbers of hot women, but that sounds sketchy, so I'll stick with my first answer.

AlwaysHomeAndUncool says: I collect pounds mostly because the exercise equipment in my basement collects dust. I'd prefer to collect royalty checks.

DaddyGeekBoy says: I have always been a collector. When I was a kid, it was rocks and dead batteries (I wish I was kidding). I’ve collected every ticket stub to every concert I’ve seen for the past 15 years. I was collecting Simpsons action figures for a while, until I ran out of room to house them. (Yes, they’re still in the boxes.) I’m currently collecting pieces of my sanity, which are hidden and scattered in the bedrooms of my children.

Hubman Says: Besides pornographic pictures? Seriously, not really and I don't know what I would, since I could if I wanted to. At this stage in my life is much more important to provide for my kids than to acquire 'stuff' for my own amusement.


Barney asks: For the last 6 yrs - I had a BFB (beneficial fuck buddy) recently we went our separate ways because I thought I wanted to be in a relationship...realized I didn’t - and now want the BFB back. In the process of ending it w/BFB, I guess I hurt his little feelings. How do I go about re-establishing our "get togethers" with no strings attached?

TentCamper says: I don’t know if you can. I do not know what you said or did to hurt him but if you have offered to get together with him and he said no…it may not be worth the trouble. Test him…be sitting on his front porch with nothing on but an overcoat and open it for him when he gets home. If that don’t work he is either done with you or he has a boyfriend or something.

Dad’s House says: Lose the BFB moniker. That sounds too touchy-feely. Go with FB, or FWB. If all else fails, turn to S&M. (Gotta love those monikers!)

DaddyGeekBoy says: Seems to me that if you’ve been sleeping with somebody for 6 years, you’ve been in a relationship. I don’t blame the guy for being hurt. Since it didn’t work out with this other person, you want to come back to what’s been comfortable. Frankly, I think you may have a tough road to climb. I think the only thing you can do is lay your cards on the table. Tell him what you want. See how he responds. But respect his wishes if he’s done and doesn’t want to go back.

Hubman Says: "Hurt his little feelings"? Are you being dismissive about how he feels? Because getting over that might be the first step. Be honest with him and let him know why you ended it, if you haven't already. Then you need to acknowledge that you hurt his feelings and that you're sorry for doing that to him. And, if you don't mean it, he'll know. If he accepts your apology, the door might be open for you to re-establish the relationship.Then again, us guys are dogs (well, I am....), and maybe he's already over the hurt feelings and is all set to fuck you again, given the chance ;-)

Caption Contest, Sunday Slides, funny

Subject: Words for Women to Live By :)

1. Aspire to be Barbie - the bitch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy them in every color.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot; it solves nothing and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2009 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember where ever there is a good looking; sweet, single or married man there is some woman tired of his bullshit!

13. Keep your chin up, only the first 40 years of parenthood are the hardest.

14. If it has Tires or Testicles it's gonna give you trouble.

15. By the time a women realizes her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she's wrong.

'Good friends are like stars.........You don't always see them, but you know they are always there' 'Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow, but live for today'. Now smile and send to any girl wasting time at work, suffering from a hangover, or just suffering from life , that might need a reason to smile!


Well come on now it ain't gonna fold itself!


Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of
Asia

2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian
racing

2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs
around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!



It gets worse........

next year......



2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
----------------------------------

hehehehe I'm for it!



Caption Contest! Give this one your best shot!


I got nothing! Hope y'all have a big ole lazy Sunday!

Southern Sage

You can take a mother out of the heat...But you can never take the hotness out of a Hot Mama

OK, OK…I know that it has been a while since I have posted any deep, heartfelt, intense…or even interesting posts, but there has been a lot going on in my life – (a death in the family, a relative just released from the hospital from major back surgery, elderly relatives that have nobody to care for them (except Mariah and I), another round of the never ending divorce court, house visitors from overseas, a teen getting teeth pulled, daughter broke her arm, looking for a job, budgeting and planning for our summer vacation plans, volunteering at the middle school, carpooling kids around everyday of the school week, groceries, laundry, cooking…oh yeah and caring for all of our 6 kids.)

That being said…I am going to continue on with the more fun and light-hearted posts.

Once again I’d like to ask you all for nominations for the next round of Hot Mamas.
The only qualifications are as follows:
They are a mother
They have a blog
Their blog is interesting, funny and captivating
They represent HOTTNESS as a mom
They have been referred to as a MILF at least once
They are willing to send all of us (the HOT DADS) ‘revealing’ pictures
And….they want to join the current group of hotties that we have crowned as Hot Mamas

Please leave your nominations in the comments – along with their blog URL

CAN’T WAIT TO FEEL THE HEAT AS THE NOMINATIONS COME ROLLING IN!

My Secret Lover

My secret lover, still like a statue staring at me
Our silent communication is the key

Adoring you, from head to toe
I can’t help but to stare, just so you know

Your dress is red, and sways in the air
A little flower, perfect in your long flowing hair

Your eyes and lips, what can I say
Seemingly painted on, every day

Breasts so perky and scantily clad
Your tight yellow top, ain’t so bad

Fingers that tickle and slide with grace
I only wish I could feel them on my face

Your body to the rhythm of my every move
A picture of you should be in La Louvre

Hot Dad - Sexy or Old?

A funny thing about blogging is seeing what sort of comments end up in my spam queue. As a single dad on the dating scene, it's not surprising that I'd get my share of spam for things like:

• Dating sites
  
• Sex toys
  
• Russian brides
  
• Porn
  

After all, I've posted all sorts of sexy stories and dating tips on my blog. There are sweet pick up lines for any occasion, sexy text messages you can't ignore, tantric breathing exercises for couples, advice on dating a hot teacher, having sex outside with a wild animal watching, drinking with lonely housewives, skinny dipping at club med, and other sexy and funny dating stories.

Not your typical parenting stuff!

Sometimes the spam just has a cut-n-paste list of URLs. Those are easy enough to ignore. But then there are spam comments that sound almost genuine, like the spammer actually read my blog and liked it! For instance:

Cool post, thank you for the information - I don't usually like to post blog comments but enjoyed this post. Please post more usefull stuff like this, I added you to my Google reader!

Nothing like stroking my ego and adding me to your reader to make me want to let that spam comment through! (Except that the link goes to a porn site. Doh!)

Over time, I noticed more and more spam comments for Viagra and Cialis. WTF?! I'm not that old. For the record, I have no trouble in the erectile functioning department. (Except for the fact that I don't have a woman in my life. That's dysfunctional! And no, I don't need a sexy stripper like Marisa Tomei from The Wrestler. A girl next door will do just fine.)

I soothed my ego by telling myself those spam comments were meant for some of the much older male readers of my blog.

But the other day, a spam comment showed up that genuinely disturbed me.

It was all about colon cleansing products!

What, am I suddenly 90 years old?

Sigh. Maybe it was my Quaker oatmeal post that did my demographic in.

Can someone please spam me some Viagra?

Ask Hot Dads

Over the past few weeks, we have not received any questions from you all for our weekly Ask Hot Dads post. What we did get was people asking when we would post another one- so the question we will attempt to answer for you all today is as follows.

Barney asks: "When is the next install of ask Hot Dads coming out?"

TentCamper says: As we have all learned…it is our duty to only express our opinions and offer advice and expertise when our women request it. Not saying that we don’t have moments of uncontrollable verbal vomit, but all in all…we try to reserve our vast knowledge for those in need.

That being said…ASK AND YE SHALL RECEIVE!

Please note: The Ask Hot Dads series is not only for mothers…we’d be happy to answer questions from women, men and …those dads who may be in need of a touch of advice from our vast and exceptional brain power.

Get the questions rolling in and we will gladly resolve all of your issues and problems.

Southern Sage says: Well I think that sometimes I back off so as not to hog the forum. I usually post on Sunday so if I post other than that I try to schedule it way out to allow the others room to post. It also seems to be a busy time with kids, our school is winding down, soft and t-ball final games and parties and such happening. I don't know how the rest of the guys feel but I am for interaction and my theory on my other blog is "ask and ye shall receive" so readers if you would like to offer a theme or some questions or something you would like for us to write about the pull your big panties up and say it and I'm sure will put out for you!

Dadshouse says: Whenever the hot mamas find time between spa treatments and retail therapy days to ask another question! Until then, I'll be in my man cave. Er... garage.

DaddyGeekBoy says: It’s tough having all of the answers. Some people are intimidated. They feel that when approaching, they need to try to stump us. They feel that they can only ask the unanswerable questions. While it’s true that we can answer the tough ones, we also dig the Larry King style softball questions too. So to answer your question, the next edition of Ask the Hot Dads depends on you people. It depends on your thirst for knowledge. Your desire to have us tell you how it really is. The power is yours. How are you going to use it?

Caption Contest, Funny, Mothers Day, Sunday Slides

1. Porn for Women!


2. Thats for sure!

Montana Sheriff's Department Interview

A man who wants to become a Montana Sheriff must first be interviewed for the job.

The Deputy doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but you've got to take an attitude suitability test that before we can hire you."
Sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Deputy says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Deputy. "When can you start?"



3. ha, wiener dog!


Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake. (My Favorite)
----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head
and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
------------------------------------------------------


4. Thats just wrong!!!!!!!!





Caption Contest..........



Well I hope all you mommy's out there have a good Mommy's Day and someone showers you with love and a whole bunch of appreciation!
If not then let me offer from all the Hotdads to you a happy fella with some flowers and candy!


Happy Mothers Dayyy!!!!
Sage.

When Schedules Don't Collide

My wife works at home.
I work in an office.

Her work day officially starts at 6:30, when the first kid gets up.
My work day officially starts at 8:30, when I begin my commute.

Her work day is non-stop. When the kids are napping, there are chores to be done.
My work day offers me a lunch break and sporadic pockets of time in which email can be read.

Her work day officially ends when the last kid has finally fallen asleep.
My work day officially ends when I arrive at home, sometimes just as the last kid has fallen asleep.

After work, she retreats to the computer to check email or Facebook, or sews.
After work, I quickly make dinner and wolf it down.

We connect for about an hour, where we decompress and maybe watch some TV together.

Her energy depleted, she goes to sleep soon after.
I've still got an hour or so left in me to check email, write and read blogs before passing out on the couch.

Tomorrow it will start all over again.

How do you deal with the varied schedules within your home? Do you have to work to carve out time to do all of the things you want? Do you have to sacrifice some things to make others work?

The discussion begins below...

Do adults with children have friends?

I don’t know if I just have this whole adult/parent thing all jumbled up in my head…or if what this post is gong to (hopefully) be about is legitimate.

I’ve had conversations with Mariah before about this but it seems that I never really have my thoughts straight. I am talking about having friends. Do adults with children have friends? Are said parents just friends with whoever their kids’ friends’ parents are?

I don’t know if parents are supposed to have friends, in the same manner that they did before having kids. If they are, do they go out for a drink or to catch a movie with said friends? Or do they just sit and socialize while their respective kids are having ‘play dates?’

I know that as an adult and as a parent, that the mundane things like working, feeding, clothing and caring for your children top the priority list, but I still can’t help feeling friendless. There are a few guys (yes…they are parents of some of our kids’ friends) that I like and love to ‘hang’ with. But with all of our personal and kids’ schedules all it ever seems to be is 15 minutes of shooting the shit while picking up or dropping off a kid. Is that they way it is supposed to be? Am I diluted to think that more is to be expected?

I suppose that it is not that big of a deal right now due to the fact that I do not have the time in the evening…or the money to go grab a few beers and catch a movie with my dad friends…but if I did…is that what people do?

A few months ago I tried to set up a guys’ poker night at my house. I wanted to start with a few guys once a month. After emailing 7 neighborhood dads…I got one that said he could do it…not the makings of a good poker night. I guess I just need to admit defeat and disregard my thoughts of having friends outside of our kids’ world.

No matter how many times I tell the kids, “It is not all about you!” I am the one that is full of shit. It IS all about the kids. I guess I am answering my own original question here and now am starting to understand that whole mid-life-crisis thing. Suck it up, do the kid thing and then once the kids are out of the house and off in the world making their marks…that is when we (parents) begin to reclaim our lives and try to pick up where we left off (before kids.)

Don’t get me wrong…I love the kids and love doing everything that I can to make them happy and loved. This has just been one of those nagging things bouncing around in the back of my skull for a while. …I guess I have rambled enough about this and if it made no sense to you…..whatever…I feel better just getting it out.

You know me….just peeing in the wind!!!!

Caption Contest, funny

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

"Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his
pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and
asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my
thumb's broken!"

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Now I understand the swine flu!!!!



Yeah well it is Masturbation Month!


I know y'all saw it too!



A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful.
She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a
mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he
knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I
found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did
you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going
to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I
can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash
it on my eyes."

My headstone when I die I hope! (click to big it)


Caption contest.......... come on y'all gimmie something good....




Well there ya go, steal whatcha wanna send you friends to play see what kinda captions you can come up with!

Southern Sage

My own National Lampoon's Vacation

For one day, I was Chevy Chase. And, not the good Chevy Chase who made America laugh on Saturday Night Live, or in his movies Caddy Shack or Fletch. No, I was Chevy Chase from National Lampoon's Vacation.

And, my girls will never let me forget it.

In the movie Vacation, Chevy Chase plays Clark Griswold, a family man who plans a cross country trip with his family to visit the fictional amusement park Wally World. After mishap after mishap, the family finally arrives to Wally World only to find it closed for a week due to repairs.

A great watch for the audience, however, in real life with four daughters in a car on a five-hour round trip drive, it's nothing short of hell.

I came up with a plan Sunday morning to take my girls to one of my favorite destinations as a child. Nestled under in the Eastern Sierra mountains, the Mt. Whitney Fish Hatchery is one of the oldest in the state and one of the most visited.

I told my girls all about the hatchery during breakfast and tried to convince them that it was worth the long drive. They were skeptical to say the least, but agreed that it beat staying home on a beautiful Spring day.

We took off shortly after breakfast and it didn't take long for the 4-year-old to start doing what 4-year-olds do on long trips.

"Are we there yet?"

That was quickly followed by, "Can we stop? I have to go to the bathroom?"

When she wasn't asking one of those questions, the other three were in the back fighting over what road trip game we should play next. Twenty questions, I Spy, and Name that Tune were being played over and over again.

"Dad, I don't want to play that again,'' said Shelby. "They always win and get to pick what they want to play because they are older."

After hearing this, I morphed into my Dad when we used to go on long trips when I was a child. I couldn't believe it was happening, but there was no stopping it.

"Hey girls, why don't you play the Quiet game?"

"What's that?" asked Vanna.

"Let's see who can be the quietest the longest. The winner gets to pick the next CD we play. OK?"

For one minute, it worked. They were quiet and were doing nothing but looking at each other waiting for the other to crack. Then, it was over.

"Dad, this game sucks," said Kern, the oldest and less apt to fall for the trick. "All the CDs are yours any ways, so we don't want to listen to them any way."

With that, we were back to the, "Are we there yets?", "I am hungry,", and "How much longers?". I was about to scream when I finally saw what I was looking for:

Mt. Whitney Fish Hatchery, 2 miles

The girls began to scream as I turned on the dirt road that led to the hatchery. After driving for a mile, we reached the entrance only to find the gate closed and locked.

"Dad, what does the sign say?"

"Alani, it says its closed because it is damaged from a flood,'' said Kern. "Well, Dad, that was worth the drive."

I couldn't respond to that the way I wanted to, so instead I unloaded the girls and we had lunch outside the gate while sitting on the dirt road. They asked a few questions about the surrounding mountains and it appeared as if I was forgiven.

Then, Vanna asked a question that she didn't like the answer to.

"Can we go to the mall here?"

"Babe, this is a little town. They don't have a mall here."

"Why did we come here?"

"I don't know, babe. I don't know."