Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Sexy Is As Sexy Does. Right?

Okay, ladies. I’m going to bare my soul to you, for just a bit. There’s other things I’d probably be baring, but being married and all, that could create a hassle. But, the soul will do for now.

I need your help.

See, no one would ever accuse me of being Rico Suave. First of all, I don’t have the looks. Secondly, while I am not a complete dillweed when it comes to matters le sexy, I just don’t have the natural chops for it. The more so for being in a state of matrimony.

I was never a “ladies’ man in the sense I had a silver tongue and could charm the pants off of any sweet thing that would listen. I knew plenty of guys like that, and I just never could master the art. Of course, some of those guys were the male equivalent of a skank, so maybe not such a good role model. Still, there was always a little bit of envy that I could never get rid of. And to be completely honest, there was a fair bit of luck involved in how I met the woman who became my wife, while we were in college. Beer may have been involved, but I suppose I had some verbal skills that may have had a hand in persuading her I wasn’t a complete dork.

Of course, the reality is that, when in college generally speaking you just have to show up and be clean, and smell good. After all, when your budget is such that you are pulling money from the ATM in $5 increments, it’s not like you have a whole lot of green to be buying roses and chocolates or skimpy lingerie. Or porn.*

So back then things were a little simpler, didn’t have to think about it so much. That changed a little bit after I graduated. The Spouse and I got hitched shortly after graduation, and soon after that we both had jobs, and soon after that we moved into our own apartment. Sexy time was pretty easy and convenient then: no supervision, no kids, plenty of energy. Familiarity was actually a bonus.

But you know what happens with familiarity. Things tend to cool off, if you get my drift. Over time, things get in the way, dealing with jobs, and housework and lack of energy and generally everything but what matters most: your partner. Because there is a tendency to take them for granted. And when that happens, you tend to start making less and less effort to impress them, to attract them, to make them feel special.

All that before kids enter the mix. Whew.

I love my Wee Lass more than words can adequately describe, but let’s face it: kids are vampires. Loveable, cute, amazing vampires. They just suck the life out of you sometimes, which I’m sure you know doesn’t exactly leave a whole lot left over for a bit of romantique de la femme.

Hell, that does not even leave enough energy for a mumbled “Hello” some nights!

Still, the desire to make our better halves feel special, like the queen us guys know that you are (and always knew you were), never really goes away. At least for me, it hasn’t. It tends to get lost sometimes. But I’m dealing with limited energy and time, and I could use some helpful tips.

So, ladies, what is it that gets you going? What is it that makes you feel special and well-disposed towards the well-intentioned if somewhat absent-minded mooks in your lives? And I don’t necessarily mean the grand gestures**; even a numbskull like me gets that. I am thinking more along the lines of the small things*** we can do every day or every week to let you know we are thinking of you, want to be with you, and that you still got it goin’ on.

I throw myself on the mercy of your court, and await your gracious guidance.

Irish Gumbo

*Not that I bought any porn. Just sayin’. Well, maybe a little. No videos, though.
**Nice dinner, flowers, a visit to a day spa, time alone: these things I understand. C’mon, I may be dense, but not that dense!
***Anecdotally, I overheard a woman once telling a female friend something to the effect that “at this point, him doing the laundry would be a turn on.” Does this really cross your minds?
Posted By Irish Gumbo


Liz said...

I've told my husband time and time again that the best way he can get my attention and really turn me on is to just grab me and kiss me. Passionately. With intense meaning. Kissing can happen in front of the kids and having those kind of kisses just melts me from the knees up... and pretty well guarantees him a little sumpin-sumpin later on!

Ashley said...

First off, you don't WANT to be Rico Suave - that mullet went out decades ago. ;)

As far as "the little things," it can be even more simple than you ever imagined. Like, once in a blue moon my husband will send me an email or text at work that simply says "I love you" and nothing more. No "don't forget to do this when you get home" or "what time do I have to get the girls" or anything else. Just those 3 magic words that let me know he was thinking of me and just wanted to let me know. That always melts my heart.

You can also pick her up something at that store that is really simple, but something you know she likes. It could be a small chocolate bar or candy she likes, or maybe a flavored coffee she drinks but doesn't get that often. Just something that shows that you know what she likes and that you thought of her that day.

And lastly, I always love a good shoulder massage (other love a good foot massage). This costs no money, but engages you in contact with her and also makes her feel good at the same time.

Hope this helps! :)

Professor Fate said...

I know in my relationship choreplay works.

Here are some simple things to Add Some Spice to your life that don't require much more than thinking about her.

Anonymous said...

As NO experst in the area, I'd say that what I try to do is to jump onto any chores that need to get done when I am here. I also think it is important to keep up a healthy sex life and ...talking...not about what needs to get done...but how each of you are, on the inside.

but what do I know

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Okay...simple in saying, but hard to do...and I get it, work, kids, and just life get in the way.

But, for me, I just want to know my husband still thinks of me. Like someone has already said, a nice text or email is always good, my husband doesn't even necessarily tell me he loves me he'll say something fun like, "I can't stop thinking about you!" or "I'm driving and can smell YOUR sweet smell in the car." He's not very good with writing things down on paper and stuff like that, so I love when I get those kinds of things.

But the one thing that is quite consistent that does it for me is I get at least ONE phone call a day from the guy. Just about whatever...but he says he just wants to hear my voice. It's sweet.

But I'm all about the surprises...him just doing something out of the ordinary...not necessarily everyday, but enough that it counts.

And...since I'm somewhat of a private person when it comes to intimacy...I love when we are grocery shopping or something similar and we turn down an aisle with nobody there and he'll come up behind me and kiss my neck or blow hot air and whisper something...that's simple, but it makes me feel wanted.

Silly I know! But there is my opinion!

skywind said...

Regardless of marital or family, there are likely to be encountered trough. As long as we can overcome and be able to accommodate each other, look after each other, we can walk. Is not it? God bless you.


Mama Dawg said...

Like someone else said, a phone call or text or email just saying something simple like "you smelled good this morning" or "I liked the way your skirt looks on you" or simply "I love you" would do it.

Of course, in my single state, simply nibbling my ear would do it.

So I'm probably not much help!

Barney said...

It's those random messages..."Im thinking of you".....
"I love you"
Little randome messages that come thru, just to know that my guy is thinking of me during his day.....
Doing that random chore, that I dont have to ask over and over again for you to complete it....
Or saying... I'll watch the little one.. why dont you go take a hot bath or read for a little bit... I will make dinner and entertain wee lass...

For me.. it's when Im sitting on the couch, and he comes up behind me, puts his arms around my shoulders and leans in and kisses my neck...

Simple little gestures... that mean the most

Laggin said...

The above are all good.

How about a little shoulder rub as she's doing dishes? Surprising her with coffee in bed on Saturday morning? Rounding up the kids early and out of the house on a day when she might be able to sleep in? Then she might be more in the mood that evening? Making an effort to rent some chick-flick you'll hate and she'll love, getting the kiddo to bed early and then snuggle with wine?

SweetPeaSurry said...

I don't think I have the experience that some of these hot mama's have. I'm unmarried and currently single. I would say ... even now though, that a simple Hi, how was your day, a peck on the cheek and a swat on the butt would be a good start. (maybe even just a quick neck nuzzle)

Just A Chic... said...

My man isn't very thoughtful or romantic. I'm not complaining. It just isn't who he is.

One thing he does for me that makes me feel so appreciated is when he comes home from work and tells the girls to get ready. He gives me a kiss and tells me to enjoy my time alone. More often than not he'll take them to the park for a few hours but the time to myself is priceless and makes me feel quite loved that he realizes I need a break.

derfina said...

The Unit nicknamed me "Pretty" (I'm NOT) many years ago. Still melts my butter every time.

ChurchPunkMom said...

You know that me and the hubs have been working diligently on this one lately.. so here goes. ;)

Talk. About everything and anything. Women feel closer to their men when they know what's on their mind and in their heart. And feeling closer, makes us want to get closer.

Compliments. Even when it seems obvious.. women love to be reminded over and over of all the things you guys love about us! And the more un-obvious the better. J is always telling me how much he loves my eyes.. and coming up with ways of describing them to me. I love that.

Gifts. They don't have to be big, or fancy, or even necessarily unique. But if they show something that you know about her, they can be all kinds of romantic. Some of my favorite gifts: my fountain pen, the bag for all my writing gear, my tea cup along with some awesome loose leaf chamomile.. And I'm equally as touched when he runs to the store for beer and comes home with a single rose or bottle of wine or bar of chocolate for me as well. Little things that say 'I was thinking of you..'

I only wish I was as good at all this as my husband is. ;)

Red from Ktown said...

Hmmmmm.....will take a few hours to think clearly about this one. Definitely worth a 2nd look to give you the proper answer.

Be back later!

T said...

I agree with BedsideTalesMan...

I was just saying this yesterday to a friend who loves his wife but is flirting with an old girlfriend on a social networking site.

If you feel like you need a little more attention or need to feel desired more, express that vulnerability to your spouse. That is what connected you in the first place... that ability to share your very innermost fears and feelings. Once you can open up and be that raw again, you will reconnect so deeply that you'll both feel butterflies again.

But what do I know. I'm divorced.

Mum-me said...

To answer your last question, yes there are times when some help with the daily drudgery would be a real turn-on. At least it would leave me a bit of energy for some fun later on after the children are asleep.

Debbie said...

I think its all been said... BUT, I will chime in anyway:)! I think the sexiest thing to do for the woman you love is to be 'true' in your feelings, emotions and actions. There is no means to an end in love and romance. There is the moment..and the choices you make in that moment, the way that you make her feel in that moment, the love that you express and the actions you take in the 'moment'...with no agenda...just to love her! Thats speaks romance and is just plain sexy!

Irish Gumbo said...

To all: Well, I can see I came to the right place! Man, oh, man, this is like a library of good ideas! and I very much appreciate the insights.

You folks are all smart and stuff. Love it!

Derfina: "melts my butter" - mmm, I'm going to steal that one! Great phrase!

Red from K Town: I'm all ears, I await your wisdom :)

Anonymous said...

or you could try what I say to Mariah...."I love you so much that I am not going to kill your bird this week."

Irish Gumbo said...

BTM: (laugh) I am not exactly sure what that means, but what the hell, worth a shot! :)

Scary Mommy said...

I totally agree about the kissing. And foot rubs. Foot rubs mean more to mean than most anything.

Anonymous said...

For me, there is nothing that gets me going more than hearing what's on his mind...the naughty stuff.

When we are out at a party, or dinner or anywhere (even at home)...every once in a while he will whisper in my ear something like "God, you're driving me crazy in those jeans" or "Your nipples are poking through your shirt and it is driving me nuts." Stuff like that. Knowing that he sees me as sexy IN THE MOMENT just makes me weak in the knees and almost always assures that there will be fun happening later in the evening.

Young Momma said...

New here! Found you through Jay's blog. :)

So, chores TOTALLY do it for me! That way I'm not so exhausted at the end of the night 'cause my hubs will have done some of my to-dos!

And a massage ALWAYS does the trick. ;) Good luck!

creativewoman said...

One thing that does it for me is when i'm walking by and he grabs me and pulls me to the couch, bed ect., and sucks face!

Or just says come here I want to hold you..always does it. As well as all the other stuff.

April said...

What I love is when my hubby leaves little notes. It only happens everyonce in a while but it means more to me than if he did it all the time. The first time he did it, it was the corner he tore off of a piece of paper and all it said was I Love You.
I have carried that one in my wallet for 6 years now.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Do something for her that se doesn't expect. GIve her an hour with a nice book, alone, minus kids. That always works for me and I'm much nicer later in the evening if you get my drift.

dizzy mom said...

I'm a little late on this post. I might be single now (hin..hint..) but this is what has worked on me in the past.

Chores- I agree on the chores thing. Just don't make a big deal out of it. Do the laundry and don't mention it. It's not gonna work if I know you're gonna bring it up all the time. "I just did the laundry last week..."

This is my favorite. When I (I'm mean your wife...nope I'm gonna go with I) am washing the dishes. And you (he) comes up behind me, puts his arm around my waist and starts gently kissing on the side of my neck. I fucking love that. (But, you have to do it without expecting sex in return. We usually can see right through your plan.) We just want to feel sexy all the time. Even when washing dishes. NOTE: This usually leads to sex in the kitchen if done right! (Or later if the kids are home)

Do manly stuff. There is nothing like watching a guy working on his car without a shirt on. (Though if you look sexier with a shirt on...then leave it on.) It makes me want to sneak in there and give some lovin'.

Tell us about something you love to do (other than us). I love seeing the excited boyish look in a guys face.

All of the other suggestions work too. I also vote for getting the kids out of the house. Make a point of telling your wife you'll be gone all day and bring home dinner. AND that you want the house to look the same when you get home...dust bunnies, laundry piles and all.

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