Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Calgon for men

I remember being a kid and seeing a commercial with a woman having a rough day with her children. Her only escape was running to her bathroom, drawing a hot bath, and slipping deep inside with a smile spread across her face.

I never got that commercial. What could be so hard about spending the day with your children? You wanted them, didn't you?

Some 30 years and four daughters later, I get it. I get every fucking bit of it.

Kids are nuts and aren't satisfied until you are, too. Do they ever slow down and shut up for two seconds? If I wasn't the one who fed them every meal and snack, I'd wonder what the hell they ate to give them all that energy.

The energizer bunny has got nothing on my kids.

For those who want to offer me advise on how to control my kids or what activities would keep them better occupied without my constant attention, kiss off. I have tried them and they don't work.

Not with these girls. No, they can't seem to do anything without including me or allowing me to do anything without including them. What the hell do they do when I am work? Walk around the house all day calling, "Dad? Dad? Dad?"

They really are pathetic little things. In the four years of being a single father who has his kids as much if not more than their mother, I think I can count four or five times that I have gone to the bathroom without one of them walking in and sitting down to have a conversation with me.

It really is a big joke to them. They seem to get so much pleasure out of watching me get so flustered by their actions.

"Dad, your funny. You always make me laugh," said to me today as I threw my hands up in disgust after the four-year spilled her cup of milk for the fourth time at one sitting.

"Yea, Dad," the oldest one piped in. "My teacher always says don't cry over spilled milk."

Alright, that was funny. We all laughed for a few minutes as I wiped up the mess. Again.

But, it was short-lived. They were right back to causing havoc within minutes.

Like I said, I now know what that old commercial was all about. I totally get it.

So, to the Calgon people and their commercials of women jumping into bath tubs, I challenge you to make a commercial for me. Something that includes a keg of beer, endless amount of pizza, big breasted women that don't talk, and a television that doesn't play Disney movies.

Oh, and no kids.

(For those who haven't read my blog, I love my kids more than anything, so forget about leaving me a comment about how lucky I am to have four beautiful girls. I know how lucky I am, so shut the hell up!)

23 comments:

Mum-me said...

That's so great that you are a dad who is involved with your children's lives. So many dads seem to be observers, and they wouldn't 'get' that commercial either.

Sandi said...

I get that commercial. I think it on a daily basis. I have four girls as well.

Blogging Mama Andrea said...

Go ahead and have a nice Calgon bath! I'll think up any reason (even going to the basement to do laundry) to get five minutes of peace.

Amorous Rocker said...

There's got to be a commercial like that out there somewhere. Probably not by the Calgon people though. I bet it's more eye appealing than the bubble bath ones too.

Irish Gumbo said...

Dude, that's genius. Yep, I think I'm on board with this. I only have 1 kid (WHOM I LOVE VERY MUCH), but sometimes...Guinness, take me AWAAYYYY! :)

Youngblood4ever said...

I think I need you as a friend! BTW- how did you get to go to the bathroom 4 times without interruption? I am totally jealous. I don't even get to shower without one of them coming in to use the bathroom, brush their teeth, look at themselves in the mirror or just to chat. Mind you, there is a whole other bathroom they COULD use IF they wanted to let me have privacy! No such luck!

BedsideTalesMan said...

I feel ya my man!!!!!

This post made me drool. Living in a house with 4 girls (includinf Mariah) and a teen boy...and no bathtub...I'd give anything for a tub filled with beer to soak in and have it take me on some magical journey to some land of peace and quiet.

I love the kids and have a blast with them...but we DO need our escapes.

BedsideTalesMan said...

oh...and I'd have big breasted hula dancers ...with coconut shell tops and grass skirts dancing around my tub and serving me beer and pizza.

Barney said...

4 daughters?
Hell...I have only one and I swear she's gonna be the death of me...
And Im the Mommy!!!!
Just please.. cant I take a 5 min bathroom break with OUT any extra conversation...
Really... I would love to hear myself pee again...

LOL

Only Aman said...

When i come home my wife is like "I am sorry I didnt do much today".

"I say, what do you mean? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, yep all here! You did a great job!"

I wonder if the parents that do get their privacy are the parents of the really messed up kids? I think that those of us who put that extra effort and don't get the privacy we dreamed we would have, have a better relationship for our kids. They TRULY feel like they could come to you at anytime about anything going on.

Anyways... enough of that.

As for relaxing commercial. I would be up for putting one together. You know what would be better is a hot wife pouring a bath of Guinness to soak in while you drank whiskey from a bottle with a nice cigar.

Thanks for the post.

-Aman

Mama Dawg said...

You know you had 4 daughters just to teach you that specific lesson.

Karma for not understanding the deeper meaning behind a commercial.

Son of a Thomas said...

I feel ya. I have 3 of my own and have been unemployed since October. I can't believe I live with these people.

T said...

Dude! This blog post is freakin' awesome!! I SOOOOOOOOO get it.

Like we could even have private bathroom time to take a Calgon bath. Yeah. Right.

Would love to see a commercial like you described. Ha! That sounds hilarious.

Good luck with that!

Anjeny said...

Aw coachdad..I feel ya. This just shows what a great dad you are and that those girls adore you. You wouldn't believe how many loser dads are out there who can't even relate to any of their kids, esp. their daughters and if you show them that commercials, they will come back at ya some stupid sorry ass comeback. As a mom who's lost her privacy since the first kid arrive, I thank you for totally getting that commercial.

Now to burst some more of your bubbles, wait til they are teenagers...nothing worse than a teenage girl with an attitude and unpredictable moods.

Hey, you did say not to leave any advice, didn't you? LOL

Mariah said...

Kids are ridiculous... the whole bathroom thing kills me. EVERYTIME I'm in the bathroom someone comes in with some 'urgent' problem.

Oh, Sorry, was I supposed to give YOU advice?

Brittany said...

I would love to take a shower without being hit with freezing cold air every time the curtain is whipped open and toys are thrown at me.

Oh...I got nothing. It sucks for me too.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Amen brother.

bassackwards mom said...

AWESOME post!

SweetPeaSurry said...

I consider that a challenge, I'll see what I can put together for the perfect 'manly man' escape. I'm thinking monkey cages though, so ... be prepared!

Susan said...

How nice to finally find someone else who speaks candidly about their kids - love em I know - but so many moms out there just odle over how perfect they can be. I have 2 girls and 2 step sons - ages 5.6,8,9. My.Life.Sucks.Often.

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

Big Breasted women that don't talk? Not reality...
:)

But I kid the whole Energizer Bunny has nothing on kids!

Great Post!!!

It's Just Me said...

I know I posted on your other site about this post... but hey, I thought of something else. I once dumped a whole gallon of milk down the drain just so I could go to town and get out of the freakin' house! That was when we had a 5 yr old, 4,2, and new born... yeah it was worth the $3 milk and $2 gas into town. Cheaper than therapy.

Shopko said...

I love your idea for the commercial. I almost spit out my coffee reading that!

I only have two kids, but I am also a single dad that spends more than 90% of my "free" (i.e. not at work) time with them. When I do get some free time and privacy, it truly is a wonderful feeling...

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