Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Bedtime Ogre

Well, well, well......

This marks my First post over here at Hot Dads. Which is funny because I'm not Hot. I'm barely palatable. At best.

And. Apparently, I'm also a Bedtime Ogre.

Anyone with small children has a Bedtime routine. There may be songs or a snack before bed. There may be stories of Marshmallow Rainbows or some sort of foolhardy Duck that has become Stuck. In the Muck. We all have them and frankly, they are a Huge pain in the ass.

Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes I feel like instituting a Lord of the Flies policy and locking my Bedroom door only to walk out 6-8 hours later to find that the dog has been shaved and all my booze is gone. That's irresponsible. Funny. But irresponsible.

So we go through the motions.

As stated before, I am a Bedtime Ogre. A book or two, a song, a kiss on the cheek, and it's time for you to go "ni-ni" so Daddy can clear his head. It's simple really. Just close your eyes and, go. to. sleep.

Cutie McWifey is a sucker. I don't mean that in a Good way either. Well, I do. But not at this particular time. She's a Sucker because she can turn a Goodnight kiss into 30 minutes worth of steppin' and Bedtime fetchin'. Usually, she opens the smallish one's bedroom door with her eyes squinting against the light of the Hallway like she was just seconds from the Deep sleep herself.

Now. To her credit, I hardly ever hear the Tater make a peep after she exits the Room.

She's an awesome Matriarch.

I'm a Bedtime Ogre.

Sometimes, when I have Bedtime Duty, I have to go back in and soothe the Water, but mostly, after the smallish one bitches and moans for 5-10 minutes, well, there is no escaping the Sandman.

I used to tell my oldest daughter, when she was much younger and would carry on about taking a Nap, "Listen. Mom's not here. You can sleep. You can stay awake. I'm giving you Tabula Rasa, kid. You get to create you own Future. But you create it in Here. *motions around the Goat's bedroom* For the next 2 hours. Again. Just so we're clear. Sleep or don't. It's your World. But your World is in here. *motions again around the Goats room* Hugs and Keeses."

And........exit Stage Left.

See? I'm a Bedtime Ogre. And I'm not Hot.

You may start with the throwing of Rotten Vegetables at any time.


Posted by CIII at the Goat and Tater


Mariah said...

I hate the bedtime rituals, drives me bonkers. Just go to sleep already.
I'm an ogre too

Red from Ktown said...

Very worthy first blog! Take a bow! As for the rituals...they only get worse if you don't nip those little critters in the bud. Despite how great the matriarch is, she now has to deal with 30 minute good nights, where as you are content with 'sleep or don't.'

I like that way better myself! They have to learn to be more independent.

Good job!

Anonymous said...

We can be Hot Bedtime Ogres...I can still change the blog name you know.

These rituals are nuts. And though she won't admit it...Mariah is a Sucker too. She lets the nighttime 'drama' progress way too long. she goes down for 'tuck in' and I usually don't see her for about 45 minutes. Or if one of the littles comes up to our room at 9PM. all they have to do is be cute or do a dance or something...Mariah laughs and encourages more. what a sucker!

Great post. Thanks my brotha!

Don't have any rotten veggies...the guinea pig ate them all.

It's Just Me said...

The ritual is worth the time - initiate it when they are very wee, then keep it up - however, the big BUT is that you have to tuck in and be done.

All the extra stuff is done before the tuck in. Once the tuck in is initiated - NO MORE!

Mommy/dad has punched their time card, we are off the clock and will not be on call until the hours of midnight ---> 3 am when the bad dream monster visits.

Holly Golightly said...

ahhhhhh the ogre...i think i may be your sister..and i checked out your personal blog ...if the pics of you there are accurate..YOU ARE HOT...so quit lyin' to us!


Blogging Mama Andrea said...

That was great. I hate the bedtime routine. I always take the little chick but we switch off for my son. My little chick wakes all night long. For no reason I can fathom. Maybe if the bedtime ogre visited she'd stop.

Can you teach a class on that?

Swirl Girl said...

We put a bell around the little one's neck to know when she's sneaking out of the room. That has become part of the routine. The bell gets bigger, she gets sneakier.

Quasimoto got nuthin' on my 5 year old.

for a different kind of girl said...

We have a ritual here, too. It seems to involve a lot of debating, constant interruptions to the task at hand, and reminders that no, no you haven't brushed your teeth yet. And loudness. There is often a great deal of loudness.

It freakin' exhausts me!

~♥~ Monica S said...

Hello bedtime ogre!

You had found your way to my taco dinner post.. and now I found my way to your bedtime routines... hehe! Have I not been here before?? I thought I had, but can't remember!?

Luckily bedtime routines gets better as they grow older.. then they hit the teens.. and they will stay up alot longer than you can keep your eyes open... again!!

Seems like you're doing a good job though!

Monica (over in Norway)

Irish Gumbo said...

(sigh) Just about the time I was FINALLY going to make my first post on Hot Dads, a real humdinger about beddy-bye rituals that make me absolutely make me nuts, start reaching for the earplugs and the single-malt, and this hear bastich ups and steals my thunder. Dammit. Back to the writing desk...

Brilliant, bro. I shall withhold my flinging of rotten vegetables, for now. As soon as I can come up with something to top this. :)

T said...

Well this certainly makes me feel better when I just want them to shut their eyes and leave me the F alone at the end of the night.

Whew! No more mommy guilt there.

Thanks man!

LiteralDan said...

I am with you, fellow Ogre.

When it's bedtime, it's bedtime. That's it.

So far we've been lucky with my son, but once my daughter is free from the bars of her crib, I have a feeling she'll be everywhere BUT bed for an hour after bed.

I may have to call in for some backup ogres.

Whit said...

I just started reading this because I thought it said "bedtime orgy."

I still enjoyed it though.

Ashley said...

Great blog you guys have going here!

Anonymous said...

ummm...justice sleeps in a tent.

it zips from the outside.

he CAN'T get out.

ChurchPunkMom said...

My favorite part of bedtime? the part where it's done.

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