Thursday, February 11, 2010

Sage on Child Rearing, Shelle Asked I answered

Well over in Sageville I did a "Ask Me" post and here was a Question asked by Shelle that I thought I'd also post over here.

Shelle asked.........

Okay Sage... How do you feel about disrespectful kids and what advice would you give to those parents who have a disrespectful tween-teen and want to change them into a respectful kid-tween-teen?

Well I was asked way back about parenting and never posted on it and ain't gonna do that whole post here, also I won't do the how to train any animal including humans post that has been in the vast waste land that is my brain for a while now. Here is what I think about her question.

The one thing I will not allow or abide is my kids being disrespectful to anyone, ever, for any reason. This is especially true for adults. It will not occur without harsh, swift and painful consequences. Also I must admit I have an unhealthy bias against people who don't say Ma'am or Sir to their elders and ANY male who doesn't address females of most any age as Ma'am until their relationship (whatever that might be) has become familiar enough to drop that term of respect. If I was in a store and ANY female that is now reading this asked me a yes/no question I would end my answer with ma'am. EVERY TIME. Without fail. When I hear a kid address their parent with anything other than ma'am or sir I instantly hold a bias against the parent and pity the child for the poor parenting they have endured. (shut up I said it was unhealthy!)

Not even liberals make the hair on my neck stand up like it does when I see/hear a child of any age back talk their parent. There is NO excuse for that, ever. I swear I have scolded and come close to fixing up a kid that was wearing his momma out in a store one time. I just can't understand it. Why would someone allow that from their kids. I am a hard-ass though for sure, I don't deny that and I wouldn't change it if I could. I will not have disrespectful kids. I remind them often not about their grades, but about the conduct scores in school which have never been bad. My folks told me and I tell my kids, "even an idiot can keep their mouth shut in class."

So what advice do I have for people with kids that are disrespectful? This goes to the training. If you control any animals pleasure and pain you can control their actions. Any and all law/rule enforcement will work if three standards are met when doling out punishment. If punishment is harsh, guaranteed and as near to instant as possible you can control behavior. The hot stove theory. If your kid puts his hand on a stove glowing red hot more than a time or two, then your kid needs a padded room. Why is this? Because the pain is instant, harsh and guaranteed. EVERY TIME baby boy Burnedass puts his nose pickers on the red hot stove it burns the ever more hell out of him, right? Well there you go.

All rules and laws should be easy to understand and communicated fully. So the advice is this. Tell the child what is acceptable and what is not. When unacceptable behavior occurs then punish the child RIGHT NOW, 10 times worse than the indiscretion and do it EVERY TIME. It won't take long for the child to understand that you mean what you say. Of course if you start your kid at 2 years old understanding respect then you have no problem when they are tween/teen except a couple times a year you have to redraw the line.

Now on punishment. I am not against tearing up ass as part of the punishment. But that in itself is not nearly painful enough. Painful is not getting to go to the dance, or not being able to play the tv games for 3 months (harsh be harsh) or whatever will hurt them the most. You have to do it every time. Now my kids might end up being window lickers but I feel pretty certain that they will show respect even if they don't feel it, they will fake it.

Talk back isn't even an option. We do have an appeal process, but it is never to back talk or to not complete a task when you have been instructed to do so. They can appeal, without crying or yelling, AFTER the task is complete. I can assure you my kids would answer this if you were to ask them........ When you are asked to do something what and when does your daddy mean? They would both say " He means right now and for sure, he does not mean later and he does not mean maybe"

Well there ya go. That simple advice on punishment will work for 99% of kids from 2 to 18 IF you follow it, it MUST be EVERY TIME though.

Thanks for the Question, ask and I will surely answer. Good Political post HERE where Hubman asked an excellent question I did my best with, if you wanna, with additional good questions on it. I'll take em all and be tickled to give you my take on whatever you want my take on!

Southern Sage

Here is a funny, you with weak bladders be careful, do it its funny as hell!

This is something that you will appreciate.

Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 800-295-0051. When asked if you want to continue in English, wait quietly for about 10 seconds and you will smile. Promise! Keep going and press 4. Listen to the options...then press 7. If it's busy, it's worth it to keep trying!


♥Georgie♥ said...

I take away car keys,cell phones and xbox 360s it is a tempory fix but it makes me feel better

Anonymous said...

Any quick harsh and guaranteed punishment works fine for sure!

Not a soccer mom said...

I absolutely agree with you. Boundries, and consequences.

I must say-- go easy on us westerners though... sir and ma'am are used more in the south.
But respect is universal

Anonymous said...

NASM- I said it was an Unhealthy bias!!!!

I'm getting better about it since I know it isn't expected everywhere.

Without consequences rules are absolutely worthless.

dadshouse said...

I agree respect is important, but I don't go the punishment route. Instead, I treat my kids with respect. I keep my cool if they disrespect me, and remind them that we're all in this together.

I got to explain some of this on an ABC News video segment... not that it makes me an expert (I'm not), they just liked how my way of doing things was different than most.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, the punishment is very respectful for sure. Raising ones voice doubles down on the punishment. Its always a choice given to the individual, taught just like life treats everyone, here are the choices, here are the rewards/consequences for each choice, go child make your own way.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah, the punishment is very respectful for sure. Raising ones voice doubles down on the punishment. Its always a choice given to the individual, taught just like life treats everyone, here are the choices, here are the rewards/consequences for each choice, go child make your own way.

Candice said...

I totally agree with Sage.

The key is to start enforcing rules and guidlines from the get-go.

You can't let them act like out of control mini assholes from birth to their teenage years, and then expect them to be well behaved and respectful young adults. It just doesn't happen that way.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Candice, I usually agree with that Sage fellow too!

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

*Rolls Eyes* at Sage.

Sometimes the Redneck has a good idea or two.

Let's not forget he doesn't have all of his teeth, he talks weird, and he most likely had s.e.x. with one of his cousins.

Just keeping it real... ;)

lub ya Sagers!

Nonflammable said...

Personally, I don't like being called ma'am as it implies I am old.

I agree, physical punishment doesn't work as well as taking away privileges.

Joanna Cake said...

Ah, see, if only Id married you Sage!

What can you do if your Husband not only doesnt call them out if they back chat you but allows it to happen to himself and then tells you off in front of them for trying to implement strategies to stop the backchat?

What can you do if your child calls you a c*** and your Husband doesn't call them to account 'because it wasnt my argument'?

I asked for a divorce.

What can you do if, after you've left, your Husband calls you up and complains that the same child is being totally rude and disrespectful to him?

I maintained what I hoped was a very eloquent silence.

Sadly, I fear that both my kids are heading for a confrontation with some other adult in the big bad world and it frightens the crap out of me. All I can do is continue to pull them up if they do behave in a disrespectful way to me in my house.

Keith Wilcox said...

The Sir and Ma'am thing is definitely a southern thing. It's extremely rare in northern states. However, It got thoroughly taught to me during my time in the Marines. Now I just say it out of habit and I frequently get questions as to where I'm from after I say it. To avoid lengthy discussion on the issue I just say "Oklahoma" (because that's where I lived for 7 years during and after college).

Anyway, my kids have now started saying it because they hear me say it. It's a completely unintentional parenting bonus!

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