Out of Shape Dad Watching His Teens

I used to be ripped. I rowed crew in my 20s, and had twelve-pack abs. I ran seven marathons in my 30s, and had six-pack abs. I cycled centuries in my 40s, and still had ripped abs.

But now that both of my kids are playing multiple sports? I'm fat from watching them.

What's a hot dad to do!?

To wit: my daughter players club soccer and varsity soccer, and runs cross country and track. For a dad to watch his daughter compete, he's got to get to the sporting field two or three days a week.

Of course, it's worth it. Girls who play sports while their dads watch tend to have higher self-esteem than other girls. (I swear I read that somewhere, and I'm too fat and lazy to google it now.)

To wit: my son plays club lacrosse and soccer, runs cross country and track, and wrestles. Plus, he plays the trumpet. Add it all up, and I'm spending another two or three days each week watching him.

Of course, it's worth it. (I can't quote a stat on this one, and I'm too damn fat and lazy to figure one out. Someone shake me my best margarita recipe!)

With all that time spent watching sports, I'm not doing my usual workouts. I'm standing on the sidelines, drinking coffee, chatting with other parents, cursing the ref under my breath.

I've been relegated to getting my workouts in after the sun goes down. You try cycling after dark! Or running when you can't see the street. And no, the men's playground (Maennerspielplatz) isn't going to cut it as a workout choice.

I checked the Hot Dads exercise manual, and section 6, item 9 suggested the following to remedy this situation:

• Car sex
  
• Couch sex
  
• Wild sex outdoors
  
• Spooning naked
  

If you see me running shirtless this spring, you'll know the Hot Dads program worked.

And if it works, maybe we should sell some pay-per-view workout tapes.