Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A Friend In Need, Is A Friend In....My House

So, I have talked about this on Twitter a bit but now feel that it is time for me to get this out so that you all can comfort and coddle me. I think I need a hug!!

The back story is a bit long so I will man it down for you guys (yes…’man it down’ means to give you the gist in as few words as possible…just enough for you to get the point.)

Mariah and I have these friends, who live about 4 blocks away. They have two kids who are best friends to two of our kids. Our families have been friends for almost 10 years. Right before Christmas we got a phone call from the mother “A” who told us that things were bad in her marriage with the dad “G” and that she was taking the kids on vacation without him and she wanted him out of the house by the time she got back.

Now, as any good friends would, we wanted to help…in any way possible. After A and the kids had left on vacation, I went over numerous times to sit with G and talk about what happened and what his plan is. He was a mess and truly needed someone to confide in…as I have been going through a nasty divorce (for four freaking years now) I could understand what he was going through and how he was feeling.

I talked with Mariah and then, before his family got back from vacation, we told him that he could move into our back house until he got things figured out.

In my opinion, this was the right move for several reasons:
He was a friend in need
He would still be close to his kids
He had Mariah and I to talk with
And..I had a guy around to shoot the shit and watch games with

Now…let’s fast forward NINE WEEKS!!!
He is still here…and seems to have no plans on going anywhere.

I will speak for myself, but I have a sneaky suspicion that Mariah is right here with me.

I am conflicted and a bit spent with a bunch of things:
He says the same stuff over and over
He has sayings that are beginning to make me cringe…(i.e. “it doesn’t add up”, “152 of the last 160 times I…”, etc.)
He pees on our toilet seats
He makes huge messes in the kitchen (but he does cook well)
He tries to involve himself in our parenting decisions
He comes up to our bedroom on a daily basis to watch TV with Mariah and I, after the kids are in bed
He makes comments about him sleeping on our living room floor if needed
He stares, in a weird kind of sexual way, at Mariah
He’d rather sit around and talk about cooking than watch a game with me
…and the list goes on

With most of the stuff…I get it. I mean his head is fucked, he does not get to see his kids as much as he should, his wife is attacking his character and after 20 years…he is without his family.

So with the situation the way it is, we have him here talking shit to us about his wife and his mother-in-law (who has taken his place in his household.) And we have his wife calling us on a daily basis for information, support and advice. The stories that we hear from him and those we hear from her are almost complete opposite…someone is lying to us. We are starting to feel very …suckered. We really feel like we’ve been sucked into the middle of something that we really should not be involved with.

His kids come over here to visit with him and then his wife calls to see what happened…pulling us farther into their mess.

But what are we supposed to do???? Kick him out and have a friend living on the streets with nobody? Pick a side? Let him stay but not talk to either side about their situation?

He is a nice guy and means well….I think, but I just can’t help but to think something fishy is going on.


Cookie Crums said...

My husband and I were in the same situation. We finally told both parties (not harshly but firmly) we wanted no part. We wished them luck and would always be there but don't call for support, don't call for advice...nothing. Our lives were being consumed with their drama.....and like you, the stories we were hearing were night and day. Both screwed up, so both had to own up to their issues.

We did a lot as families but our kids weren't/aren't old enough to miss theirs friends and truly understand what's going on.

It wasn't easy but it was something we had to do....for our sake! I told my husband at the end of the day.... my family came first. Period.

Good luck!!

Brandy said...

I think it's time for him to get a game plan. It's obvious they are not going to reconcile and living with you forever is NOT an option. So he needs to man up and start looking for a place & learning to be on his own.

I would sit him down and try to talk it out with him. Set a goal and a date for him to move. If you don't, then he won't leave because you guys have made it comfortable for him.

Anonymous said...


That's a tough one. I had a friend come crash for a couple days and I eventually had to kick him out after it turned into a few weeks. Of course, this one wasn't a big fan of the shower, which made it worse.

All I can say is that I would not want to make that decision and I will have your back whichever way you go bro. Just remember that your family comes first...

The Pipster said...

Tenter, you were very kind to help him but he needs to leave. I know it will be an awkward and difficult conversation but this guy but I got creeped out reading this so he must be REALLY creeping you guys out. Maybe you could hire Sage to sit the man down and have a little talk.

T said...

I agree with the first comment. You and Mariah are enabling both of them by allowing yourselves to be in the middle.

Its called tough love, TC. And its the only thing that will make things happen.

Janie Woods said...

Tenter (and Mariah): Time for a sit-down and game-plan time. Yeah...He needs to go. The whole watching TV in your bedroom after the kids go to bed is toooo creepy for me, and I'm a pretty laid back chick. It would not work well.

Sit down and just explain it's time for him to grow his wings and get out there on his own...

ShellSpann said...

That is tough. I don't know what the answer is. But I hope it all works out!

shawn said...

i agree with brandy...set a date for him to leave. and don't be too generous with the timing.
also agree with cookie crums....if you allow him to continue his actions, he will. if you allow them to use the two of you as informants, they will. gracefully bow out.
my house up north is sitting fully furnished and empty. i have not offered it to my friend who is currently living with her parents at age 40...it's not going to help her get her life together. it will only continue her lack of motivation to work making me an enabler. harsh? maybe, but i cannot do it. we are still best friends-she understands. if they are your friends, they will understand. right now, seems they are not being good friends to you and mariah.
good luck

Piper Heiney said...

I'm not sure I agree that someone's lying as much as each person has his/her own perception of reality, and often that reality conflicts with someone else's reality.

Your friend has outstayed his welcome and taken advantage of your friendship. He may not feel that way, and you may have to share your feelings with him, while also perhaps giving him a push in the right direction, i.e. OUT! Some counseling might help, too. I'd advise setting some boundaries with both him (in your household) and his wife (with respect to what information you share with her).

Sucks when you try to do the right thing and your generosity is abused. Sorry!

Missty said...

Oh man, this really stinks. I think a guy to guy sit down game plan talk is needed. Ask him what his plans are for a house for himself? It seems like he is in denial, or waiting to go back home - which isn't happening.

Good luck. ANd I can't wait to hear what happens.

WannabeVirginia W. said...

Not to repeat what has been said. I am with Brandy on this one.

Daddy Geek Boy said...

Totally agree with Brandy. At this point, him staying there is keeping him from getting on with his life. He needs to adjust to his new situation, and to do that he needs to get his own place and put the pieces of his life back together. He's not going to want to, but it's time to be a big boy and try.

A little tough love at this point is what's needed.

SonyaAnn said...

Help him find a place to stay. Or put up the a little bit of money so he can rent a room or something. It's the only way to get rid of him and not feel bad. He is going to bring you all down!
"He comes up to our bedroom on a daily basis to watch TV with Mariah and I, after the kids are in bed"- You had to think when you typed this part that you had some serious problems!

My Bottle's Up! said...

dude, you know some interesting folks...

one word: BOUNDARIES.

two words: SET THEM.

two and a half words: YOU'RE WELCOME.

Danielle said...

You both are way too nice! Unfortunately, I would probably do the same thing and then bitch on my blog, so I am not a good one to give advice.
Sorry you are in this spot. Tell him that you need to rent the house out and give him a date. :)
Good luck.

TentCamper said...

Thank you all for all of the comments and insight. This is a tough situation and I will most definitely keep you posted on how things play out

Nonflammable said...

My question is where would he have gone if your family had not taken him in? It's great to be able to help our friends out in some circumstances but in this situation helping him might also be enabling him. clearly it is as he would have discussed with you what his plan is and when it will be underway. It appears he is still holding out hope for his relationship. They need to sit down and talk, and figure out what is their next move; divorce, separation, reconciliation, counseling.

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