Late-night talk show host and comic Craig Ferguson is around the same age as me. So when he makes fun of himself for feeling old, I can relate completely. I’m at the age where I can go to bed healthy, then wake up injured. And not from some weird sexual move. Just sleep!
When Craig Ferguson makes fun of old men, he makes his voice sound old, he pretends to use a walker, he acts like his hearing is gone, he feigns getting a botox treatment.
Craig, I have news for you – as Father Time wreaks havoc on my body, he’s going straight for my eyes. I can’t see shit anymore! (I exaggerate, but you get the point.)
To wit: I’ve worn glasses since I was five, so I’m pretty used to getting around with spectacles on. A few years back, though, I was wearing some fashionably small lenses and discovered I no longer had peripheral vision. I’d be in a bar (I’m a single parent on the dating scene), see a hot sexy woman walk by, attempt to slyly glance at her butt (I’m an ass man, dammit, and I love spooning naked. What can I say?) – only to discover I couldn’t see shit.
My solution? I had to turn my entire head in the direction of every hot woman’s ass that walked by. Talk about obvious. Yeah, I got some looks, especially for the occasional older men younger women scenario (Hey, it happens.) No slaps, thank goodness. I’ve since started wearing really big glasses. Almost like Harry Caray wore – yikes!
To wit: I can no longer read the wine list in a dimly lit restaurant or wine bar. The text is all fancy and small, and it just blurs up for me. No way am I going to bust out my reading glasses at a time like that. How the hell would I look at any hot women’s butts?
My solution? I fake like I’m wine savvy, and have the bartender lead me through his picks of something red, bold, not too sweet, leathery, peppery, whatever. Of course, I have no idea what price glass he’s hawking until I get the bill. But my Hot Dad-ness remains in tact. I’m no old man when I’m out. Sexy and funny is more my style.
I’m starting to wonder if Ben Franklin invented the bifocal just so he could order wine and check out women’s asses without having to swap the spectacles on his face, and without getting slapped.
Ben's a genius!
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