Late-night talk show host and comic Craig Ferguson is around the same age as me. So when he makes fun of himself for feeling old, I can relate completely. I’m at the age where I can go to bed healthy, then wake up injured. And not from some weird sexual move. Just sleep!When Craig Ferguson makes fun of old men, he makes his voice sound old, he pretends to use a walker, he acts like his hearing is gone, he feigns getting a botox treatment.
Craig, I have news for you – as Father Time wreaks havoc on my body, he’s going straight for my eyes. I can’t see shit anymore! (I exaggerate, but you get the point.)
To wit: I’ve worn glasses since I was five, so I’m pretty used to getting around with spectacles on. A few years back, though, I was wearing some fashionably small lenses and discovered I no longer had peripheral vision. I’d be in a bar (I’m a single parent on the dating scene), see a hot sexy woman walk by, attempt to slyly glance at her butt (I’m an ass man, dammit, and I love spooning naked. What can I say?) – only to discover I couldn’t see shit.
My solution? I had to turn my entire head in the direction of every hot woman’s ass that walked by. Talk about obvious. Yeah, I got some looks, especially for the occasional older men younger women scenario (Hey, it happens.) No slaps, thank goodness. I’ve since started wearing really big glasses. Almost like Harry Caray wore – yikes!
To wit: I can no longer read the wine list in a dimly lit restaurant or wine bar. The text is all fancy and small, and it just blurs up for me. No way am I going to bust out my reading glasses at a time like that. How the hell would I look at any hot women’s butts?
My solution? I fake like I’m wine savvy, and have the bartender lead me through his picks of something red, bold, not too sweet, leathery, peppery, whatever. Of course, I have no idea what price glass he’s hawking until I get the bill. But my Hot Dad-ness remains in tact. I’m no old man when I’m out. Sexy and funny is more my style.
I’m starting to wonder if Ben Franklin invented the bifocal just so he could order wine and check out women’s asses without having to swap the spectacles on his face, and without getting slapped.
Ben's a genius!
15 comments:
oooh... I'm first! And just for the record, bifocals are gorgeous on men!
Because many people feel that even the discussion of race is an example of racism, which is of course, not true.
Being blind is a good thing whent he bills comes too right? It's not until you get home and break out the magnifying glass that you know how much you truly spent, no?
I am right there with you brotha!! I don't know how old Craig is, but I turn forty-fucking-two in just over a month.
I too wake up with odd injuries, take extra care when picking up large objects (cuz my back could 'throw' at any moment) and my eyes.....
I hold small text far away and then do the back and forth (microscope style) until I can read said text.
I make a joke of it as to not be made fun of by the kids...but shit...bifocals...here I come!!!
Hot Mamas who hit 42 (and the vision blurs) simply do very sexy maneuvers taking glasses off (for the close-up view), and tucking them in cleavage. In fact, my glasses are in my cleavage about half the time.
It's really fun (with the right company) when you say "Oh, I seem to have misplaced my glasses..." and the gentleman in your company needs to, um... go searching...
Of course, then you come across as having lost your memory. But that could be a good thing, in the dating world.
Hey, I'm all for men losing their eyesight - especially if that means they can't see the wrinkles forming on my forehead!
BigLittleWolf - I love it!
TentCamper - I have a magnifying glass for the really small stuff. But hey, my younger brother does too! Hahaha
It's reassuring to know that you guys clearly believe that desire in middle age isn't just a construct made up by some drug companies. I read (and blogged about) that New York Times article on women and lust yesterday, and it's still playing games with my mind. So I needed a little blog therapy to remind me why we still go out to dinner (smile).
You can get help with your vision as you check out women's rear ends. You can get help with your cleavage. But the thought of not being "in the game" at all? Very distressing.
Oh sweetie, if its an consolation, women have the same problem. I believe thats why I've been dating the 'left overs'. LOL (joke)
Love your blog!
Laura
Way to adapt! With that technique you'll never have to read again, like an NBA player who never went to class.
Hey--there is this thing called Laser Eye surgery...
I'm just sayin
Save up a couple of those Wine Bills and fix the OLD MAN eyes ;)
Love your posts!
You're a funny guy. I read a book (I'm stupid for forgetting what book, sorry) a long time ago that said a person can train their eyesight by reading stuff at a comfortable distance and slowly backing away until it becomes right on the edge of bearable. Anyway, the idea is that you can strengthen your eyes like a muscle. Who knows if that works. I've never tried it.
I have this sneaking suspicion that like the tooth fairy that leaves money.....there is a old person fairy that takes a baseball bat to our bodies while we sleep....lol
I've only been wearing glasses for a few years...and I need new ones already.
I need to slip them on for all menu reading.
Getting old is not for sissies...
I don't know what country has the best technology, but the U.s. has some of the best doctors also. People can be cured of blindness, just by getting new parts of the eye from somewhere else.
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