Texting Derby

My cell phone chimed receipt of a text message. It was early afternoon on a Friday, the last day before winter vacation began for my middle-school kid. My high school daughter had already finished her term, and she was hanging out with me at home.

Who would be texting me?

My friend with benefits sometimes sent dirty text messages mid-day when she felt that special friskiness coming on. (As a single parent, I’ve pretty much forgotten all about spontaneous sex. These days my liaisons are well-planned in advance). And you never know when a drunk texting marriage proposal might show up from an ex (hey, it happens!) Or an ex-fling getting me back with a dirty text message joke. If it was any form of sexy texting, I certainly didn’t want my teen daughter to see. Not that my daughter would check my phone, but you can’t be too sure…

Just then, my daughter’s phone chimed receipt of a text message, as well. Prank texting from her brother? Couldn’t be. He was in school.

We both checked our messages. Sure enough, it was her brother.

Who won the superbowl in 1979? It’s trivia day in science class.

Ok, first of all, cell phones are off limits at my son’s school. If he gets caught texting in a classroom, the phone gets confiscated for the rest of the day. Plus, he has to walk the campus picking up trash for an hour.

But I’m competitive as hell, and I figured there’s no way my son is going to lose a trivia game. He’s sly enough to not get caught (I didn’t say that!). Either that, or the teacher was allowing cell phone usage during the game.

I googled the answer. Pittsburgh Steelers.

Before I typed even two keys on my Motorola Razr – you know, one of those cell phones with a numeric keypad to send SMS messages? Hit “2” three times to get the letter “c”? – before I typed two keys, my daughter snapped her phone shut.

“I just texted him the answer,” she said.
WTF? How had she done that so fast?

“My cell has an actual keyboard,” she said. “And I have fast thumbs.”

My son scored major points on that question. And he didn’t have to pick up a single piece of trash.

(If the dean at his school happens to find this post, please know it’s fiction! My son would never text in class! And I would never aid and abet him!)

L8R.

Image by Avatar/ΣΙΓΜΑ, some rights reserved.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Must Read Post

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My daughter beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.



The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps I started to dream.



The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear..
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know, Then the
sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.



Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled here in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.



"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, it's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve,
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts..



To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "Its really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night."
"It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.



No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at ' Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
My dad stood his watch in the jungles of ' Nam ',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.



I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures, he's sure got her smile.
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue... an American flag.
I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.



I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother..
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall.."



" So go back inside," he said, "harbor no fright,
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
"Give you money," I asked, "or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."



Then his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

LCDR Jeff Giles, SC, USN
30th Naval Construction Regiment
OIC, Logistics Cell One
Al Taqqadum, Iraq


Nuff Said.

Holiday Hotness

I am proud to announce to you all that we have another great swarm of Hot Mamas being crowned today. Yeah…I know…some of these hotties should have been added quite some time ago…but none the less…here they are!

I am please to introduce you all to Hot dads’ Holiday selection of Hot Mamas!!

Cristin of Tiptoeing Through The Tulips

georgie of Decisionally Challenged

Julie of 47 And Starting Over

Nic of MyBottlesUp


Now go check them all out…add them to your blogrolls and show them the love that they deserve.

Can You Overcome Cheating?

Tiger Woods

David Letterman

Leann Rimes

Shaquille O'Neal

Charlie Sheen

Fred Flintstone (please...he TOTALLY was bangin' Betty on the side)

There is obviously a problem with celebrity men and their libidos. I mean, it would take all of 60 seconds to add another five names to that list (and not just men, either!). So the question isn't why people cheat, because they do. There are a thousand different reasons for a thousand different people who have cheated on a spouse or significant other. You simply can't put a finger on it and call it a day.

But what about us "regular folk"? I know that people cheat every day. It's just a sucky fact of life. Does everybody cheat? No...but even a couple of my favorite bloggers have admitted to infidelity issues in the past. So it's obviously not just an issue for the rich and famous.

David Letterman's wife has apparently decided to work with him to maintain their marriage. Tiger Woods' wife seems destined for divorce. Where would YOU stand if you found out that your significant other was cheating on you?

Is there a way that a person could gain forgiveness for an indescretion? What if it was just a one-night stand? What if it was a long-term relationship that they want to end to remain with you? Is your case simply a one-strike-and-you're-out rule? Depending on the situation, can you find in your heart to forgive?

Maybe the term "overcome cheating" is wrong. Maybe it makes cheating sound okay but that there's a work-around of some sort that helps one "overcome" obstacle that arise from cheating. Maybe this should be turned around on the victim...the person who was actually cheated on.

What would it take for you to get over your significant other cheating on you?

And what's more, why does "celebrity cheating" get so much bloody attention? Why are infidelities publicized so much? My thought is that paparazzi sites like TMZ.com want to prove to the world that celebrities are human, too...so maybe they shouldn't be admired or looked up to afterall. In that sense, I suppose I don't have too much of a problem with the coverage. On the other hand, TMZ is so bloody sleezy that it's difficult to read sometimes. They just go for the jugular and have zero issue with the shoddy "journalism" they provide the public.

Of course, in Tiger's case maybe it's justified (my last count was 14!!).

So how 'bout it Hot Dad readers? Have you ever been cheated on? Could you overcome someone cheating on you? What if you cheated on somebody you loved? How would you get forgiveness? Could you get it??

Hey everyone, Sage here, CBG graciously allowed me to add to his post. There is a Hot Mamma who could REALLY use a lil love about right now, so why don't y'all hit her up and give a hug or someting Sandi, thanks in advance!!!

Epson giveaway winner

And we have another winner!!!!


Thanks to Epson and their impeccable WorkForce610 all-in-one printer, one more person's home network is going to be fitted with this top of the line work of art.

.....and Random.org says.....

Congrats to SwirlGirl!!!!!!

All you need to do, my lady, is drop me an email with your shipping details and I will make sure that the product gets shipped ASAP.

*and blog and twitter about how great Hot Dads and the giveaways are.

I love when loyal readers win stuff!!!!!

Teenage Kids... DON'T Suck!!!!!

As you all know...I turned 42 last week and we went to Mariah's parents house with the kids for a birthday dinner.


I don't know about all of you...but those of you who have any step children must agree that receiving a birthday card like this from your 18 year old step daughter (the same one who left me notes about how old I was)...makes it a great year!!!

*Click photo to read

As a manly man...I did not cry...but I wanted to. That was absolutely the sweetest and most meaningful gift I could have gotten (well besides the replacement Travel Scrabble...since ours was lost a few months ago.)

I would comment on the other cards and such, but I want to keep this as it is.

I will keep and cherish this card forever!

2 Funnies, Sunday Slides, Caption Contest

A man and a woman were sitting beside
each other in the first class section of an airplane. The
woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man
went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed
again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered
violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a
cold, still the man was curious about the shuddering. A few
more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.. As
before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the
man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help
but notice that you've
sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered
violently. Are you okay?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I
have a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze I have
an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed,
was still curious. "I have never heard of that
condition before" he said. "Are you taking
anything for it?"

The woman nodded,










"Pepper."

Bwahahahahahahahhaa Thats funny right there!!!!

1. That is a Safety Hazard!


2. LOL lets eat!


3. Tahts fnnuy ritgh tehre!


Early Dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All
the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

heheheheheehehehe

4. accccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk


5. LOL


6. I need to have mine tattooed as many as I have!


7. I reckon they did!


8. No doubt!



Caption contest! Give it a shot! Come on you know you wanna!



Hit up Sageville for more slides, NSFW though.



Hope y'all have a big Sunday!

Gender Toys: the Video Game vs. the Dollhouse

Christmas is just around the corner but this week, I've been knee deep in the Festival of Lights (more commonly referred to as Hanukkah).

Two days ago on my award winning* Twitter account, I posted this:

Although I was kidding, I realize that this may have painted a picture of me that isn’t completely accurate—that I’m concerned with my son’s gender identity and want to make sure he plays with “boy” toys.

That couldn’t be further from the truth. I really don’t care what toys he plays with. He’s got enough toy cars to open a dealership, but if he wants to play with the Ken doll we have lovingly dubbed “naked” Steve (because of the Bean’s continued and steadfast refusal to keep it’s clothes on) I’m seriously fine with it. I would be hypocritical not to. Growing up, I spent just as many hours playing kitchen or Barbies with my little sister as she did playing ball or knock-hockey with me.

On the other hand, there are some who feel strongly that toys should be divided amongst gender lines. I have a friend who can’t stomach the thought of his boys playing with anything “girly”. He gets seriously bent out of shape at the implication that his sons are anything less than brimming with testosterone. And he has no sense of humor about this. I dunno, maybe he's watched too many episodes of Mad Men.

Keeping up traditional gender lines feels like such an antiquated parenting notion, but surprisingly, it still exists today. Why is there such pressure for boys to like "boy" things. There doesn't seem to be as much pressure for a girl to like "girl" things.

What about you? Do you think toys define gender or the other way around? Do you care if your son or daughter plays with toys of the “opposite” gender?

*Okay, maybe not “award winning” but my mom thinks it’s funny.

Yule Logs and Other Delights

My kids and I were watching Craig Ferguson the other night, laughing our asses off, as usual. (Don’t worry, I know the Scottish Conan comes on super late. Rest assured, we were watching in Tivo.) Craig Ferguson was standing up in front of the audience by himself, telling jokes, and I thought it was the funniest stuff the comic had thrown out there in a while. And not just because I was downing one of my best margarita recipe drinks.

“This, um… um… log thing… um… what’s it called? It’s funny!” I said.
“Monologue?” my daughter asked.
“Yeah, that’s it!”

To which both kids started giving me a hard time, like I was some old man with Alzheimer’s. How could I forget a word like monologue?

“There aren’t that many log words in the world,” my daughter said.

Oh, no?! Consider the gauntlet thrown!!!

Yule log – a big log that Europeans burn in their big-ass hearth right around this time of year. Perfect for spooning and snuggling on a bearskin rug (Northern Europe!), sipping Schnapps and Jaeger tea. Check the WPIX yule log video. If that doesn't get you in the spirit...

Duraflame log – our skanky American fire log counterpart to a yule log. Perfect for downing a Coors light, then heading into the other room to watch the game.

Web-log – haha!! Of course, these logs are near and dear to a lot of us. Whether you like a Hot Dad’s blog, a single parent blog, a sex and relationship blog, a sassy single woman blog, or whatever. Web-logs rock!

Log-arithm – some old-school math concept I knew back when I was handsome and young, as opposed to sexy and old. With Alzheimer’s!

Ana-log – another one of those concepts I used to describe in mathematical terms. Now I just say that digital is ones and zeros, and analog is like the curves of a fine ass woman.

Big log – who can forget the Robert Plant song? Go on, play it. You know you want to hear it again.

Lincoln log – remember those? Back when kids played with toys and other manipulative objects, rather than sneaking off to go on Facebook or play video games?

Log-gers – not that I’m into lumberjacks or cutting down trees, I’m just extremely competitive when it comes to my teen daughter and her gauntlets thrown.

Log - urban dictionary lists a ton of different meanings for log, one of which you might send in a dirty text.

I could rattle off some potty humor and pinch off another log or two. But I’m a Hot Dad, and we know how to keep things couth.

Now then, if only I knew how to end this blogging monologue. Are there log-istics for that?

You Better Watch Out!

No rotten playground bully every told me there wasn't a Santa Claus. I think I was around 10 years old when when I came to my own realization that the jolly old elf in the red suit would not be visiting this year. There was no moment of epiphany, just a gradual accumulation of incredible rationalizations to explain how it was possible for one man to deliver toys to all the boys and girls of the world in one night. Eventually they were overwhelming. One or two impossibilities like flying reindeer or navigating chimneys being explained through magic are acceptable on their own. However, when the whole Santa franchise is predicated on a sheer mass of implausible conditions, it cannot be sustained for long, even in the most willing hearts and minds.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I was practicing Occam's Razor which states that the simplest explanation is likely the correct one. Taking all the Santa myths together, it only seemed reasonable that Christmas morning was made possible by the simplest explanation: the parents do it.

I never told my parents of my realization; why spoil their Christmas?

I don't know when my own kids figured it out. but like me, they never said anything. I'm glad they haven't because I do like sneaking things into their stockings and then denying any knowledge of it on Christmas morning.

Hot Product - All-In-One Giveaway

As most of you know, Mariah and I have what you might call a ‘busy’ house. With 4 of the six kids here full time, and a continuous stream of friends coming through to work on school projects and assist in the demolition of the home that we are trying to maintain, along with the schools all requiring the kids to present technology-assisted projects and papers…our old-school little HP printer was on its last leg.

This is where the good folks at Epson come in. I was offered one of their very cool all-in-one printers to test out for review. When the printer arrived, I was blown away with both its look and the list of primary features. I knew that this was going to allow3 me to save face with the kids and I’d be able to get rid of the “so 2005” printer that I have been trying to make do with.

Pulling the WorkForce 610 from its box, I began to think that it might be a bit tough (even for me) to get installed on our network.

This machine boasts a sleek black look, is no bigger than a typical toaster oven and does absolutely everything. Besides printing about 40 pages per minute, the WorkForce 610 also serves as a fax machine, scanner, copy machine and digital media card reader. Designed brilliantly to connect via USB to any computer or independently onto a network via WiFi or Ethernet, the WorkForce now services many of our technological needs…all in one place.

Scanning the directions and knowing the delicate state of our home network…I had some concerns about trying to set it up wirelessly. I decided to try anyway. After all was said and done…it was a snap! The whole thing was set up in about 15 minutes and there was no (typical) trial and error. It just ran through the set up and we were all printing in no time. It amazes me how something so technologically advanced can be so simple to operate.

One of the really cool things is the fact that our daughter, who lives out back in the guest house, can use her wireless laptop and print things straight to my desk.

Once again, the folks at Epson have agreed to give one of these technological masterpieces to one lucky reader. All you have to do to enter this giveaway is leave a comment and for an extra entry, tweet the contest with a link (make sure to let me know if you tweeted- in another comment) Contest ends and winner will be chose on Sunday December 20th.

The printer retails for $199 - but if you go to the Epson store today you can pick up one of these bad boys for only $99.

I like this printer so much that I am also adding it to my future article which is going to showcase my picks for the top tech products for 2009.

Trust me…EVERY HOUSE NEEDS THIS PRODUCT!!!!!!

The WorkForce 610 is designed to deliver reliable printing, scanning, copying and faxing capabilities in a sleek design that complements any workspace. The all-in-one offers built-in Wi-Fi and wired networking1, a 2.5” tilt LCD screen and an automatic document feeder to increase productivity and efficiency, enabling users to quickly get back to the business of profits. The WorkForce 610 delivers the fastest laser quality on record, up to two times faster than the leading competitive ink jet all-in-ones2. The WorkForce 610 offers maximum print speeds up to 38 ppm black and 38 ppm color and laser quality speeds of 15 ppm black and 9.3 ppm color3.

Slides, Funny, Safety Lesson for all Men and Boys! Caption Contest

Some people learn by reading...
somepeople learn by watching .and
some people just have to piss on the electric fence to see for themselves......

Today's safety lesson......N-E-V-E-R,?E-V-E-R, urinate on a 220 watt 3 phase electric fence!

Crispy little critter, huh?!
Life is tough.
It's even tougher if you're stupid!

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeesh after that here'sa funny to help you over that!

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate, he stated.
'Why yes, she replied, every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, $10,000 a week.'
The pastor was amazed, your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?

'He is a veterinarian, she answered.

'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money, the pastor said.

'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly,

"In Nevada.....

He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas , and one in Reno ."

1. Ole Woody is right about that!


2. Some of y'all need this button!

3. I thought the Chinese places served cat?!


4. ha!




Caption Contest, give it your best shot! Leave it in the comments! Steal what pics you want too.



Well that should cover everything you might need to know for toay! Y'all have a big ole weekend!

Hit the link and give a little.

Ok Hotdads and the groupies. I am a sucker for a cause and especially if a hot chick is pimping it. This next cause fits the bill on both accounts. Hot chick. Good cause.

Ok my girl old skool Amorous Rocker is trying to gather up some funds to buy toys for tots and then when that is full she will donate to Genesis Womens Shelter.

Ok here is the deal. AR decided to do something about needy kids and women. She is not a rich person but she gives because she wants to, and everyone can give something.

I don't pimp shit, or people, that I don't trust and/or believe in. There are a gazillion causes, there are many people who hit me up for pimping and believe it or not I don't take them all, even though I am pretty easy.

So here is what you need to do. She has a goal of $400.00 and your donation could get her there. Shes at like $300.00. So 10 people who are in for $10.00 gets her to her goal. $10.00. That is probably less than your lunch budget. So I say you skip lunch one day, come on biggun you can stand to miss one meal. Hit the link and hit the donate button. It will be wisely spent.

There is one other option for those of you who don't hit the donate button. You suck. There ya go.

Hope everyone have a wonderful weekend!

Hit it HERE, Donate. Don't suck as a human being.



Hey go hit up Real World!!! I think I'm on over there today too. Then if you wanna you can hit up Sageville too!

Why Have Three When It's Easier Not To

I understand why some people only want one kid. I get it, and I don’t hold it against them. For two days I had a small glimpse of what daily life is like with three ankle bighters running circles around me, while watching my bro's kids. My boy’s typical 2-3 hour naps have been reduced to thirty minutes each day. I have to pick up the 5 year old from school right in the middle of his nap, and the 3 year old gets him so worked up that actually getting him to sleep earlier is impossible.

I can’t stop to get some coffee for myself without having to get the other kids something. If I don’t they raise hell and I never hear the end of it. From the backseat I hear the 3 year old deciding where to deposit the golden nugget he just mined out of his olfactory system, with his sister offering her advice of ‘rolling it into a ball untill it falls off onto the floor because no one will see it there.’ All the while I’m trying to coordinate a tow truck through aaa to get my broken down Tahoe back to my city 30 miles away to get it fixed. Making a pit stop for gas turns into the two older kids escaping their seat belts and running around the gas station parking lot practicing a Chinese fire drill doing circles around the car. Having their father leave the house for work in the morning turns into a thirty minute battle to keep the 3 year old from crying my sanity away because he doesn’t want ‘daddy to go to work’. And there are two doors to the bathroom in my bro’s house, which I can’t seem to keep closed, enabling my son to dump everything in the toilet, besides his own dumps.

Life is so peaceful with one kid in comparison to, oh…….more kids. So so peaceful.

Help us all...it rained!

If you turn on the local news in Southern California the last couple of days, you would think that we were under attack.

News vans in every suburban city, residents rushing to the local Walmart to grab supplies, conversations in line at the bank yesterday centered on how long the suffering would continue, and cable/satellite and internet services flickering off and on had it's customers wondering how long it would it last.

What's going on in the land of movie stars, surgically-enhanced body parts, and just your every day quacks that reside with me in one of the most populated regions in our country?

Rain.

That's it. Fucking rain. I am embarrassed to even admit it. Rain is turning Southern California into a scene that resembles one you would find in the movie Independence Day.

It started on Sunday and has continued sporadically ever since. In my desert community, we even had some snow. I even had to pull out a jacket with a hood last night when I went out.

Where is Barack Obama and government assistance when you need it?

Already a bitch to drive in and around Los Angeles, the weather has made local drivers even harder to handle. A trip that normally takes five minutes to take, now takes 30 minutes as drivers limp through every intersection at the first sign of rain.

Throw in the want-to-be NASCAR drivers who continue to drive 20 miles over the speed limit and you get a reported 104 accidents in Los Angeles in the first nine hours of the storm. Makes you want to just stay home and watch TV.

The news is what entertains me the most on raining days.

The first 15 minutes of the newscast is dedicated to the weather. The economy and the Senate's impending vote on the healthcare plan would have to wait. Forget about getting any real news.

Thanks to TiVO, I couldn't help but continually rewind reporters interviewing residents and how they are dealing with the phenomenon of water falling from the sky. Here is my favorite:

Reporter: "How are you handling all the rain?"

LA resident: "We are trying not to go out in it. I know we need it, but it has just been so much. I am afraid to even go out and drive in it. My husband has been in the garage making sand bags just in case we need it. We just hope we can make it through the weekend."

Reporter: "Well, thank you. Good luck to you and your family."

Make it through the weekend? Are you kidding me? It's rain and according to the Los Angeles Times, LA has had a grand total 1.47 inches in two days. Reports are a new storm is supposed to hit Southern California some time Friday.

Please pray for us as we go through this tough time.

Should Tiger and Elin Stay Married?

The Tiger Woods affair scandal hit the covers of US and People magazines this week, making it important news to grocery shoppers. (And we all need groceries!) I don’t know Tiger Woods, nor have a clue what he was thinking while committing “transgressions” that let down his family. Whether those alleged events happened with one woman or nine is only conjecture to everyone but him.

I won't judge the man, but I do think the alleged details of this affair scandal provide talking points for any married or divorced couple. Should a couple stay married after an affair or sexy arrangement?

In fairness to Tiger and Elin, let’s keep this discussion philosophical, firmly rooted in rumors and reports of alleged events. Anything written below should assume to be “alleged”. I sure as hell don’t need a lawsuit. But as a divorced single parent, I am fascinated by what keeps couples together, and what tears them apart.

Should Tiger and Elin stay married?

Before we start, let’s review the traditional wedding vows:

I, (name), take you (name), to be my (wife/husband), to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.

Yes, Marriage is Forever!

Some see marriage as a spiritual bond. Countries outside the U.S. tend to look the other way when affairs occur. Staying married is the best thing for Tiger Woods’ children. Who needs another broken home? Besides, the wedding vows explicitly promise to stick together for better or worse.


No, Throw the Bastard Out!

An affair breaks the wedding vows. Having a discreet affair is not loving and cherishing your partner, it’s utter contempt and disrespect. Plus, what’s with the prenup Tiger had Elin sign? Didn’t that break the for richer, for poorer part of the vow before they even got hitched?

(One blogger wondered why Tiger didn’t just put his mistresses on a payroll, and keep them happy the old school way. Doh!)

I don’t condone affairs, but I know there are plenty of reasons given for having one.

• One spouse turns all their affections to the children, and the other feels neglected and seeks love and affection from someone else, if only for a night.

• One spouse has an ego the size of a planet, like they’re the greatest golfer on earth, and they feel they are above societal and spiritual rules, and can do whatever the hell they want.

• One spouse badgers and berates the other, until the other seeks love and affection from someone else… (sell bullet point 1)

• Nature took its course, and who are we to go against nature when nature tells us to shag a Vegas cocktail waitress?

Bringing it all back to Tiger and Elin and any alleged transgressions that occurred: Should Tiger and Elin stay married?

Yes: Tiger is a good role model, and deep down a good man. Elin does not have anger management issues; she really did use that golf club to rescue him, not attack him. (Some single moms suggested she should have used a bigger iron, or a baseball bat, or let others join in. Oy.) Tiger and Elin can put this behind them. It’s best for the kids if they work it out and stay together.

No: Celebs aren't role models. Tiger is an asshole. Nine women over the course of several years, all while projecting a perfect image so he can reap hundreds of millions in endorsements? (Were they the back nine? Ha. Can the drummer give me a rim shot!) All Tiger cares about is himself. Why else is Tiger throwing money at Elin and every mistress to keep quiet? Bastard should burn in hell.

Like I said – we don’t really know what Tiger did, or how Elin reacted. But assuming the worst – should they stay married?

Hell, can they?

Tiger and Elin image uploaded to flickr by Higherimages, some rights reserved.

Cyber Monday Giveaway winners!!!

Thanks to all of the great folks at Seagate, Belkin, Unotron and Honestech, we were able to get a few freebies for you guys.

I will list all of the winners and then…imagine me clapping and smiling for them.

The rest of you need to enter these giveaways….we DO have the coolest stuff…and you know…it STAYS Hot around here.

Congrats to:

Mommy Nani Booboo for winning the Unotron keyboard


Shelle Blok Thoughts for winning the Seagate


Pam for winning the FotoBox


And


SurferJay for winning Belkin’s TuneBase


***FYI - as mentioned above, the EyeClops (mini projector) was not part of the giveaway. But go buy one...they are really cool!

TO THE WINNERS...EMAIL ME AT tentcamper1 @ gmail.com with your contact info, so that I can get your products shipped to you.

My Own Worst Frenemy

Kathy and I were friends for many years. When we met we were both the lowest rungs on the ladder in our office and out of the drudgery of that existence a friendship bloomed. We would regularly go out eating and drinking. We helped each other through some bad times and we celebrated the good. Orphans in a big city, we spent some holidays together. We were both single and we were both out there dating, and met up regularly to commiserate about the lack of good people in the pool.

If this were a Hollywood movie, the story would go like this: One night after too many cocktails, the friends tumble into bed. After it being all awkward and stuff, they eventually decide that true happiness has been in front of them the entire time. The credits roll as a catchy pop song plays in the background. However, my life is not some bubbly Kate Hudson movie. Things were a bit messier. The truth is that there wasn’t a single fiber of my being that was attracted to Kathy. She was one of those people who, like a cartoon character, constantly had their own personal storm cloud above their head. She was a severely co-dependent woman whose streak of bad luck had to be more than just coincidence. But she could hold her liquor, which is really all one wants in a drinking buddy.

Things took a turn for the weird when I met the woman would someday become WonderWife™. Kathy's behavior became erratic. She started to lie about things—telling people about places we had been that we had never been or RSVPing for us at parties that I was not attending. She spread false rumors about the state of my relationship with the future WW™. She tried to take over co-hosting duties at my bbq. One night I discovered Kathy, who was armed with a few of my carnal secrets from my dating days, telling a rather ribald tale at a dinner party, where the FWW™ was a guest.

The obvious truth became all too apparent to me. In Kathy’s mind, this was a Julia Roberts movie and she was the plucky heroine who was valiantly trying to sabotage my relationship with the FWW™ because we were destined to be together. My course of action was clear. I had to break up with Kathy.

The conversation was as dramatic and intense as if Kathy and I had been actually dating. She cried and denied her lies, even though I had proof. She refused to understand. The talk lasted for an hour and afterward, I was as drained as a tri-athlete after a race.

Years later, Kathy still pops up periodically in my life, like a stomach flu. And like a stomach flu, dealing with her is every bit as unpredictable and uncomfortable. We work in the same industry, which means that even though I'm attending a convention with 125,000 other people, it's certain that I will run into her. Based on things I've come to learn about her, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some stalking involved. (I wouldn't be surprised if she were reading this right now.) It’s creepy the way she knows everything about me, about my kids, about WonderWife™. She speaks to me in a friendly tone that does not acknowledge any trouble in our past. To her, I am a long lost friend with whom she is eager to be back in touch. She wants to make plans to come over and see the kids, and WonderWife™. I smile and nod and tell her how good it would be to see her, as to avoid any public confrontations, and when her assistant calls to schedule lunch I never call back. Not that it matters. The next time Kathy pops up, she acts the same, as if she was hit with the flashy thing from Men in Black. Like I said, creepy.

Through all of this, WonderWife™ sees the humor in the situation, laughing at my uncomfortableness. She would love nothing more than to run into Kathy someday. Preferably while we’re out with the kids so she can silently show Kathy what’s what.

Fun With Blonds, Sunday Slides, Funnies, Caption Contest

First some fun with blonds!
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and
One blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away.....
Florida or the moon?' ; ; ; The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR
TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
Mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING
TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER
WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it..

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE
ON THE SUN

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'

The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'

The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.

'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A
VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn.. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs

heehehehe well hey are easier to spot in the dark!!!!

1. LOL


2. Thats my theory!


3. I bet you cougars all eat in there!


4. Haaaaaaa Go Barb!


5. That lil girl has a future in horror movies, evil lookin thing!


6. Anyone in retail needs one of these!

Caption Contest.... come on give it your best shot!!!



Well there ya go. Didja try the caption contest?? Hit up Sageville if you are bored.

That's what SHE said!

One of the great pleasures I get out of my current relationship is that we share a tremendous joy in "that's what SHE said" jokes.

For those unfamiliar with this gloriously immature guilty pleasure, here is its definition (one of many, I might add) as explained by the Urban Dictionary:

"A statement used to draw attention to a phrase that could possibly be interpreted as sexual innuendo."

For those of you who may not still "get it", let me provide another example:

My friend and I were talking about being able to draw when we were younger.

"I used to be really good with my hands, but now I just suck."

"That's what SHE said."

See?? Can you not just feel my joy???

Listen, there are times when it's completely inappropriate to say it, but I'm now finding myself being unable to control myself from even whispering the words under my breath.

It's happening at work when trying to plug an overhead projector into a laptop...

"Nothing's happening...maybe I should push it in harder."

"That's what SHE said!"


It's happening when I order a pizza...

"Would you like a 12-inch?"

"That's what SHE said!"


It's happening when I parallel park my car...

"Jeez...that's a pretty tight fit."

"That's what SHE said!"


It's happening when I've got a runny nose...

"I'm blowing and blowing and nothing comes out."

"That's what SHE said!"


It's happening when I put on my seatbelt...

"I'm having a hard time sticking it in."

"That's what SHE said!"


It's happening at work again...

"At least you're staying on top of things."

"That's what SHE said!"


It's happening when my parents drop by for a visit sooner than expected...

"You came so fast, I didn't have time to prepare."

"That's what SHE said!"


It's happening when I try new food...

"Is it supposed to taste this bad?"

"That's what SHE said!"


It's happening when a friend talks about her new piercing...

"It doesn't hurt to take it out, but it hurts to put it back in."

"That's what SHE said!"


Okay...that last one wasn't real.

As you can tell, I love this joke. I don't care how immature it is. I don't care how lame it is. I don't care how played-out it is. It makes me laugh and giggle like a little kid every time I say it (or hear somebody else say it).

Surely I'm not alone in my childish joy. Surely other couples have similar nonsensical things that are "just theirs" and brings them closer together, regardless of how silly it may seem. I can't be that difficult to find something that brings a couple closer together.

I mean...it can't be hard, can it?



THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!

A Hot Dad's Failing Vision - Humor

Late-night talk show host and comic Craig Ferguson is around the same age as me. So when he makes fun of himself for feeling old, I can relate completely. I’m at the age where I can go to bed healthy, then wake up injured. And not from some weird sexual move. Just sleep!

When Craig Ferguson makes fun of old men, he makes his voice sound old, he pretends to use a walker, he acts like his hearing is gone, he feigns getting a botox treatment.

Craig, I have news for you – as Father Time wreaks havoc on my body, he’s going straight for my eyes. I can’t see shit anymore! (I exaggerate, but you get the point.)

To wit: I’ve worn glasses since I was five, so I’m pretty used to getting around with spectacles on. A few years back, though, I was wearing some fashionably small lenses and discovered I no longer had peripheral vision. I’d be in a bar (I’m a single parent on the dating scene), see a hot sexy woman walk by, attempt to slyly glance at her butt (I’m an ass man, dammit, and I love spooning naked. What can I say?) – only to discover I couldn’t see shit.

My solution? I had to turn my entire head in the direction of every hot woman’s ass that walked by. Talk about obvious. Yeah, I got some looks, especially for the occasional older men younger women scenario (Hey, it happens.) No slaps, thank goodness. I’ve since started wearing really big glasses. Almost like Harry Caray wore – yikes!

To wit: I can no longer read the wine list in a dimly lit restaurant or wine bar. The text is all fancy and small, and it just blurs up for me. No way am I going to bust out my reading glasses at a time like that. How the hell would I look at any hot women’s butts?

My solution? I fake like I’m wine savvy, and have the bartender lead me through his picks of something red, bold, not too sweet, leathery, peppery, whatever. Of course, I have no idea what price glass he’s hawking until I get the bill. But my Hot Dad-ness remains in tact. I’m no old man when I’m out. Sexy and funny is more my style.

I’m starting to wonder if Ben Franklin invented the bifocal just so he could order wine and check out women’s asses without having to swap the spectacles on his face, and without getting slapped.

Ben's a genius!

Harry Caray billboard photo by David Paul Ohmer, some rights reserved.