Tuesday, April 6, 2010

TentCamper's Beatdown

I know that it is going to go against my ‘manly’ reputation as a Hot Dad, but I have to level with you all.

I have been holding back for quite some time. Stuffing my feelings and playing the tough guy role…when the reality is that I am crushed. I feel like a broken man.

I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here…I love Mariah and her kids and the rest of her family. I want to be with them forever. The thing that is missing is MY boys. This past Monday morning is the first time I’d seen them since January 3rd. I have only spent 2 weekends with them since the end of November.

I am sickened. I feel like crying, throwing up or curling up into a little ball. I miss them so very much that it hurts to think about. I try to put it out of my mind and go on with things until the courts get things straightened out, but I am only fooling myself. Every day I want to just sit and cry. I know that I can’t keep up this charade for long.

On Monday I only saw them briefly as we were all at the court house for a custody evaluation and the joy that overtook my whole body was overwhelming. I almost burst into tears…but I did not want them to think something was wrong.

Now I know that with Mariah and her/our kids, my job search and coaching high school lacrosse, my days get busy and things have a tendency to be hectic. It seems to be easy to busy myself with things enough not to dwell too much or hide in a closet to cry and feel sorry for myself. But I can’t seem to be able to shake the feeling of teetering on the edge of a breakdown.

I know that I am needed in this house and that Mariah and the kids need me. I can’t let things fall apart. I hold it together and push on. The sad thing is that every minute of down time or times that I am not running around…all I do is think about how much I love and want to be with my boys.

Now, I know that I have been on here bad-mouthing my ex and talking about how she is to blame for me not seeing the boys…I am done with that. I know that I have done wrong and I understand why she hates me. I get why she is not a fan of Mariah…but I want things to be better. I want to be a big part of my boys’ lives and want to put all of this hostility, emotional strain and mental anguish behind me.

I know that I am rambling (in circles) but I truly feel lost within myself. I don’t feel that I have the strength to fight all of this much longer. Fighting with my ex, the nauseating pain I feel not seeing my boys, being 100% there for Mariah and the kids, lacrosse, etc. I sometimes feel like I am losing the battle and that I’d be better off choosing one or the other.

I know that that is not a valid thought, but it is there anyway.

I know that I am a good man. I know that I am a good and capable father. I know that I am doing my best. I know that I am able to bring happiness to many people in my life….all of this and I still feel ….beaten.

18 comments:

Mariah said...

It's exhausting... I know where you are coming from, I feel like there isn't enough of me to be there for my kids, your kids, the squatters, lacrosse, rockclimbing, soccer, work, blogs, and you! It's a rough time, but at least we have each other to lean on, right?

That One Mom said...

My heart aches for you. The Man is in similar place. We saw his son for 2 days on our way thru Colorado Springs. We hadn't seen him since Christmas. We won't see him again until summer. It's awful... Best wishes to you.

T said...

Only 2 comments on this?

Oh man... I'm sorry! I can feel your heart aching through this post. I know you have to be exhausted. Maybe you need to let it out. Maybe you need an outlet to feel this loss. There's no sense bottling it up!

Your boys need you and you need them. Period. I know Mariah understands. I don't think she thinks of you any differently because you miss your boys outside of your family with her.

I am sending hope and prayers that this all changes soon.

((hugs))

Danielle said...

My heart breaks for you too. Mariah, I am sure understands. I am so proud of you that you said that you want to get over the anger with the ex for the sake of the kids. That takes a real man and a good one.
I really hope that this works out for you and your boys.
You are awesome!

Terry said...

Not sure how you do it...I would be an emotional wreck...as you are....I'm so sorry...no one should have to go through this. Best wishes to you all! I hope it gets settled soon!

Hubman said...

Hang in there man, keep doing what you're doing, the court system will (ever so slowly) make things right and you'll get that time with your boys.

The Pipster said...

I hurt for you. Hopefully with Mariah's love and support and some type of understanding with your ex (hopefully), you will get through this terrible time.

Missty said...

Wow, that really just sucks. I am so sorry you are going through all of this.

And if your ex is reading, as she has done in the past. Shame on you for denying those boys time with their father. Seriously, not good, you are hurting your boys.

Not a soccer mom said...

This just absolutely breaks my heart. I went through a nasty divorce, my ex and I were not civil for a long time. But the kids are number one. No matter your mistakes, your kids are innocent. I have raised my kids on my own for most of their lives because his new wife was so bitter toward me.
I will keep hoping and praying for you and your kids. You are so lucky to have Mariah and you will get through this.
Hugs hugs hugs

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

WOW TC I'm so sorry. I have no idea what I'd do without my kids, to not be able to see them, to be denied seeing them when ever I wanted...time lost that can never be re-lived, for both your boys and yourself.

A change of heart has to come for your EX, similar to yoursn for it to be possible. She has to realize you will always be a part of her life because of those boys...best thing to do is to put down the pride and allow those boys the comfort of both of their parents who obviously love them.

TC-you are not beaten. Sometimes it feels that way, but all it is is a feeling, you have all the power to change that the cool things about feelings are they 100% yours and 100% under your control :)

Best of Luck. You and Mariah are awesome!

Joanna Cake said...

I can empathise. I chose to leave. I chose to spend time away from them. If I'd stayed, as teenagers they would still only allow me a certain amount of their busy schedule.

But sometimes I still miss them so much that it physically hurts.

Anonymous said...

The custody evaluation is a good step to this ongoing battle with your ex. I am sorry that she has decided that this is a battle to be fought in the first place. I am glad to see that you have decided to stop the bad-mouthing and blaming in a public forum. That should help tremendously with that stressful relationship. It's about time to heal that relationship and this is a great step towards that.

Continue to fight for your time with the kids. The court will see your efforts and your intentions and the court will have to see how genuine you are with your requests of more time. You will get your just rewards and get the time you crave and deserve with your kids. Good luck!!

Anjeny said...

Aw TC...that is really awful. I will echo everyone here and say that I truly feel for you. It isn't right at all for a father to be without his kids same as the kids without their father.

I think it's very immature of your ex to keep your boys from you. They need you, every boys need their dad in their lives just as much as you need them in yours. Hang in there!

peedee said...

Hang in there TC. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your moving in the right direction. It may not seem so in your down time, but you are. I hope it all works out soon. For all of you.

Southern Sage said...

that sucks bro. Put your big girl panties on and do what you know has to be done. It will work out.

Good luck.

Another Suburban Mom said...

My heart breaks for you TC. The family courts can be so messed up. I hope that you can get your visitation soon.

Janie Woods said...

Having gone through a rough divorce, I know exactly where you are coming from. My problem, however, was the opposite. I fought with the ex because he WASN'T seeing our boys. But, it got nasty, nevertheless. Letting go of the anger, hurt, bitterness and sheer pain that divorce brings is the hardest part. I'm proud of you for seeing that is what needs to be done, even if you are the only one to do it.
If the ex keeps up her antics, stay on the high road. If she has read this, I'm sure she is looking for a chink in the armor. Problem is, she knows what it is already--the kids. She just doesn't see the damage being done. Why? Because she, like you, is still mourning a loss. She can't let go of the bitterness and pain yet. It may take her years. But in the end, if you both let it go, you'll be happier, healthier people able to thrive in stable, healthy relationships. All the while, you will teach your children valuable lessons about forgiveness and moving on.

I love you and Mariah. You are two of the best people I know.

And I don't envy the LAX coaching. With two playing, practice and team mom sucks the life outta me as it is...

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