I know that it is going to go against my ‘manly’ reputation as a Hot Dad, but I have to level with you all.
I have been holding back for quite some time. Stuffing my feelings and playing the tough guy role…when the reality is that I am crushed. I feel like a broken man.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea here…I love Mariah and her kids and the rest of her family. I want to be with them forever. The thing that is missing is MY boys. This past Monday morning is the first time I’d seen them since January 3rd. I have only spent 2 weekends with them since the end of November.
I am sickened. I feel like crying, throwing up or curling up into a little ball. I miss them so very much that it hurts to think about. I try to put it out of my mind and go on with things until the courts get things straightened out, but I am only fooling myself. Every day I want to just sit and cry. I know that I can’t keep up this charade for long.
On Monday I only saw them briefly as we were all at the court house for a custody evaluation and the joy that overtook my whole body was overwhelming. I almost burst into tears…but I did not want them to think something was wrong.
Now I know that with Mariah and her/our kids, my job search and coaching high school lacrosse, my days get busy and things have a tendency to be hectic. It seems to be easy to busy myself with things enough not to dwell too much or hide in a closet to cry and feel sorry for myself. But I can’t seem to be able to shake the feeling of teetering on the edge of a breakdown.
I know that I am needed in this house and that Mariah and the kids need me. I can’t let things fall apart. I hold it together and push on. The sad thing is that every minute of down time or times that I am not running around…all I do is think about how much I love and want to be with my boys.
Now, I know that I have been on here bad-mouthing my ex and talking about how she is to blame for me not seeing the boys…I am done with that. I know that I have done wrong and I understand why she hates me. I get why she is not a fan of Mariah…but I want things to be better. I want to be a big part of my boys’ lives and want to put all of this hostility, emotional strain and mental anguish behind me.
I know that I am rambling (in circles) but I truly feel lost within myself. I don’t feel that I have the strength to fight all of this much longer. Fighting with my ex, the nauseating pain I feel not seeing my boys, being 100% there for Mariah and the kids, lacrosse, etc. I sometimes feel like I am losing the battle and that I’d be better off choosing one or the other.
I know that that is not a valid thought, but it is there anyway.
I know that I am a good man. I know that I am a good and capable father. I know that I am doing my best. I know that I am able to bring happiness to many people in my life….all of this and I still feel ….beaten.
The Boy and the Pine Forest - One day, his parents drove him several hours outside of the city and the place that he knew as home. They passed by meadows, farms and forests on the way t...