Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Dance Dance Dance! Sage On Dancing

Well I thought I'd post a little diddy for men and woman. Being a plethora of goodness and truth I just know y'all hang on my every word so bust out your trapper keeper as well as a number 2 pencil and get to jotting this down.

If you are a man and your bride gets the swell belly and inside that swole up tummy of goodness isa little person with a vagina I have some advice for you. DON'T ALLOW THEM TO TAKE DANCE If they take dance be prepared to suffer fake enjoyment at watching the recital. Let me tell you about recitals.......... (Sorry Shell)

Ok here is the rundown.

A buck fiddy a months for four days of dancing for one hour each. Yes that is bumping fiddy per lesson if you include travel.

fiddy dollars per outfit, we had three in THIS recital. This does not include the outfits they wear to practice or whatever they call it. This does not include the hair and make up and glittery shit stuff they put on for the recital.

Then you must add the cost of the tickets for the torture chamber experience extravaganza! $15.00 per.

You also have to shower and shave and wear your Sunday go to meeting clothes.

When you get there you need to talk to the dance dad that is actually excited to be there and quell the over riding desire to take out your pocket knife and cut that stupid assed grin off his face walk away from his sissfied assed self.

You must sit square dab in the middle of the joint too so you can't get out except during intermission.

When you go outside during intermission to get a pinch of snuff (they frown on spitting on the floor at the dance hall place and they don't provide spittoons) you need to have a Michael Jackson mask because you will get second hand smoke cancer out there cause those smoker people try to get in 2 apiece before they come back in for more excruciating torture the second half of pure goodness and happy times.

Oh shit! man I forgot the flowers for your girl child because I have no idea why but STFU and get the flowers you want to show her she did good and you love her such.

Then $30.00 for pizza because they schedule the damn thing for 7 and you don't wanna eat prior because you kid hasn't eaten since 5 when they had to be there so you wait, famished.

just a note if your son takes dance after he is like 5 we can no longer associate with one another.

Ladies. If you EVER took dance, even one year, and you have a dad and he is living, HUG him! Give him gifts! Send him money! Tell him he is the best ever! Do whatever it is he likes for you to do for him! He is a frickin saint! He gets the best dad ever cookie for a whole damn year if he sits through or ever sat though a recital.

Thats all I got. I lived, I frickin WIN!

Ok the greatest give away in Blogville is going to end on Memorial Day. Hit it, you can enter as often as you like! $100.00!! Sheeesh. Anyone can play!

Go see what the Real World has going on!

Southern Sage <--- some stellar goodness on right here today also, it is what I do, how I roll.


Barefoot Dreamer said...

ok, seriously funny. I would love for my girlie to want to take dance (she doesn't) but I would never spend that much a month dang!

I tortured my dad for five minutes every month or so at half time for dance line at a bball or fball game - maybe a bit less torturous.

You earn a gold star dad

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

It is now solidified. You are a whiner! Try having to sit through loads and loads and loads of sports events that are hours and hours!? At least a recital is only once a year!!!

now as a guy... sporting events are awesome to you... but as a girl that doesn't give a darn... it sucks... especially baseball or golf, which are the most boring of all!!!

Don't lie either... you were as proud as a peacock of her! ;)

Always Home and Uncool said...

Having just suffered through mt daughter's fifth annual recital, all I can say is I feel for you in the wallet and loss of brain cells. It's great watching your kid ... by the other 32 acts. Oye!

Not a soccer mom said...

I agree with Shell and with you. It is expensive. But so is sports and to me, just as boring. Same thing over and over, same kids same brats.
I likes going to my girls recitals because the little tiny ones are so darn cute when they mess up.- and you are proud aren't you?

Oh, and btw- I think a man who can dance is sexy as hell.

Missty said...

Sage you are hilarious! But you already knew that, now didn't you! LOL

No girls here, so my man lucks out. We did go to a nieces "cheer" compition! Now that is something to avoid!! LOUD techno music blaring all day long!!!

But we have all the sports going on at our house - we have done baseball, football, basketball, karate, etc. And pretty much I haven't minded it. Because its my kid participating.

Great post.

Anonymous said...

All I can say when I read stuff like this is - Thank God I didn't have children!!! However, if you think that a children's dance recital is expensive, wait until she turns into a teenager. Oh yeah, and she will also pull that "Daddy's girl" shit on you too until she is way into her twenties! Good luck :)

Crazy Brunette said...

We've already had this conversation. YES, it fucking blows! Mine is this weekend fucker.

Drink a Miller and think about me damnit!

Jen Fooled Around said...

Hahaha... everybodys right.

We just sit through it all and smile cause.. we brought them into this world and if dancing and baseball keeps 'em out of gangs and out of trouble.. we are gonna do it and pretend we LIKE IT !

heelsnstocking said...

deeply offended mr sage!

im just back from tap dancing myself (granted i did stick ben wa balls inside before going and nearly came half way through warm up but itsmy best prt of the week. All my kids do lessons, cheer, tap, street, ballet, character dancing and naughty little me can tango, belly dance, latin, ball and of course tap. Keeps me damn flexible in the bedroom and a ready to give a little lap dance when its needed so th £487 (yep nearly $700 dollers a month habbit im up with.

pics of wet ben wa;s after tap on blog tee hee

peedee said...

lol!! I LOVE that my daughter was a tomboy and played soccer and softball for 15 years instead of that stupid dance crap. I'd have slit my wrist if I'd had a girly girl.

For the regular travel teams she played on it would cost me $500-$700 per season. 3 seasons a do the math. AND BTW, her last two years of softball on a gold glove olympic development team cost me almost $1,500 bucks. That didnt include airfair to the college exposure tournaments that where not close enough to drive to. There were 4 of those each season. And it didnt count the hotel, food and fun of the non-fly weekends. So Stop Whining!!!

I'm not whining. That money I spent on my kid was worht every penny and I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. =)

muahs Cowboy!!

Joanna Cake said...

LOL, I hear you Sage. Those places are a nightmare!

I never took dance but, when my daughter wanted to, I remembered my cousins (two of whom ended up at the Royal Ballet) and all those outfits. So I deliberately chose a dance class where there was no termly recital involving the indignity of being a leaf or a duckling whilst other more willowly models took all the glory as the Princess.

Miss Mary's pupils all wore a pale pink leotard, tutu and ballet shoes to class and the end of term recital took place during the lesson - it was the only time that mummys were allowed in to watch and it was free.

The only time we got worried was when my son was two years old and started to ask if he could join in. The day he came downstairs wearing his sister's old ballet outfit topped off with a policeman's helmet... his father's face was a picture since he'd always envisaged him as the England scrum half :)

Anonymous said...

BFD: Yeah I can take a bball or fball game or even softball or soccer or karate or whatever but dance is killin me.

Shelle: Oh I was proud. But she ain't really a dancer. Shes a tomboy more so. I am proud to be there but SHIT does it have to las so long!?

Anonymous said...

AHAU: Dood I'm feelin you.

NASM: You do NOT find me sexy any at all then. I prolly could dance but I wouldn't I don't find boys attractive as all male dancers do. I did turn down Chip and Dips cause they look so damn soft. Yes I am proud of course.

Anonymous said...

Missssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssty: You should thank god everynight @ no girls!!! Though mine has me soooooooooo wrapped. Damn I'm a sissy when it comes to her.

Anon: you should be rich if u have no kids!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Crazy: Yes we have and I am tickled you have urs coming up!!!
Have funnnnnnnnnnn!

Jen: yeah we are but I don't have to like it!!!!

Anonymous said...

Heels: 700 a month???????????????????? are you on crack???????????

PD: ur always kissin me?!?!? I'm for it!!!

Mine is a not a girly girl really, she is a tough dancer. I just gotta keep her off the pole!

Cake: Acccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk @ your son!!!!
that is funny!!!!

Web Hosting said...

Ok i get it very serially for learning dancing all is very beautiful sharing in life.

MsH said...

My daughter has her dance recital tonight. I agree it is a bit much, but I think it is great for her as she gets to show what she did all in year in class and get up in front of all those people. Good Stuff. But I definetely can relate and laughed reading your blog.

STFU - I love this abbreviation!

MsH said...

oh yea and I forgot the torture of seeing or not seeing your ex at the event.

See it is a lose lose situation.

If I see him with his wench that he cheated on me with and married it is disturbing as she is 10 yrs younger and only weighs 80 lbs. Reconfirming his happiness in finding true love and me reconfirming old, fat, and alone. Never fun. Sometimes I will secretly get pleasure from my Mom daughting him, but I can't relish in it and need to tell my Mom to knock it off.

Then there are the times, more than I would like, that he and his wench are a no show and I can see my daughter scan the crowd of people and the disappointment breaks my heart.

So overall I would go for feeling uncomfortable, but my daughter happy that her Dad made it.

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