Friday, July 16, 2010

Could I Be The Worlds Hottest Dad?

This is something I’ve been struggling a lot with lately. While I do believe I am probably one of the hotter dads in the universe… I’m a little sketchy on if I am The Hottest Dad Alive.

Let’s explore the possibility shall we?

Some things that may inhibit me from being The Hottest Dad Alive (THDA) are the fact that I don’t have a six-pack, I’m not a model (yet), I can’t ride a lion without a saddle, I haven’t quite yet perfected the worm and I laugh every time I fart. I am currently in the process of amending these things to try and solidify my case for THDA.

While those things are working against me… there are many more things that are working for me: I can bounce my pecs to the beat of any song, I have a sweet ass that will hypnotize you if you walk behind me, you can get lost in my eyes, I can sneeze while keeping my eyes open at the same time, I have 17 well placed tattoos, I can make stimulating conversation, I exude love and compassion, I can’t go a day without putting on deodorant and I always put down the toilet seat.

While most of the more prominent fathers in the world think they are quite assuredly THDA by making headlines in the pages of the New York Times, People Magazine, Us Magazine or Playgirl Magazine… I quietly take my place among the sea of normal fathers and build my army of followers who believe that I am indeed… more than likely… The Hottest Dad Alive.

Let me see if I can prove it to you and myself with a random cross section of the world of dads as we know it:

Papa K VS. Brad Pitt

This is no contest really. While Mr. Pitt may have me beat in the amount of money he makes, numbers of countries he’s been to, movie stars he’s dated and kids he’s adopted I decidedly crush him in a number of areas:

- my wife is hotter… Jolie looks like she’s hanging on a coat hanger
- He’s never made a good movie
- I’m not an asshole
- I’m pretty sure I could defeat him in a cage match… if they allowed us to have weapons

Papa K VS. That Twilight Freak

Okay… so he’s not a dad yet… but there are plenty of Twilight obsessed chicks who'd want to have his baby... so it's only a matter of time. I crush him in these areas:

- Unbelievably… I’m more tan
- He’s not really a vampire… neither am I but that’s not the point
- It appears to me he is actually an ugly woman
- He's like 150 years old and he's still into high school girls... that's creepy

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Papa K VS. Jon Gosselin

This one’s going to be easy:

- I’m not a douchebag who thinks wearing Ed Hardy clothes make me cool
- I didn’t marry a lesbian
- I didn’t wh0re my children (child in my case) to make a million bucks
- I’m not followed by paparazzi all day with nothing better to do than follow my pathetic life

Papa K VS. Male Praying Mantis

- My wife did not consume me after we consummated our relationship
- My eyeballs are positioned on the front of my face and not the sides
- I am decidedly bigger and much more attractive
- I can be camouflage if I want... but decide to not be most of the time

So... with these random examples I have hands down completely obliterated the competition.

I am officially 100% hotter than these examples!

I think this proves my theory and solidifies my place as The Hottest Dad Alive. We could do this all day but just to save everyone time and money... I officially appoint myself as such. I expect to be addressed as "Hottest Dad Alive" in all future correspondence. Thank you.

Also... I've just found out I've been named "Most Humble Dad Alive".

Thank you


Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.

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Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

I searched and searched but I don't see a flaw in your theory and so I'm going to go with it.

I second that your wife is hotter BTW.

Awesome post THDA aka MHDA aka Hand to War!

Paul G said...

What about a bee drone? I hear they are good dads.

Beryl said...

I really appreciate all the research on this! What a giver you are!!! All thoughtful and everything...wait did you already mention thoughtful and giving...I'll have to review.

Anyway. Thanks again! I can scratch this particular analyis off my list now...heehee xox

Mike said...

A very convincing argument. Who am I to argue? You win.

UP said...

I agree with Mike, very convincing, hell, I'm more tan than most people, eschew Ed Hardy at all times, just said no to lesbians, and my forearms look better than Brad's...thanks for the ego boost!

I still wanna be a "HOT DAD"!


Fragrant Liar said...

Dear Hottest Dad,

No way you can sneeze with your eyes open. Not even one of them. Therefore, one must presume that the rest of your arguments are just not credible.

Love and kisses,
Hottest Nana

TentCamper said...

With the amount of time and research that you put into this post/study, I am on your side and can now scratch the comparisons off of my list of things I need to do to prove how great....superior us dads are.

Thanks for the post!!

dadshouse said...

No mention of beer or fire? The Hottest Dad in the World should be a master BBQ-er, for sure.

Or maybe you wrote this while grilling a massive steak and drinking that six pack!!! ha

Kristy said...

Loved this post! You are, decidedly, a much hotter dad than any of those other examples!

Web Hosting said...

I am on your side and can now scratch the comparisons off of my list of things I need to do to prove how great...

Angel said...

This was so fun to read. I am a crazy Twilight freak fan but you have a great argument.

Joanna Cake said...

No complaints from over here! Papa K gets my vote as a Hotter Dad than Brad.

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