Thursday, June 24, 2010

What Annoys You In The Gym?


In my life I’ve been a member at probably 15 gyms where I’ve run into all different types of people and things that annoy my balls off. Although I might not look it at the moment... I've dedicated a fair amount of my life to the gym so I think that gives me some authority to tell you what annoys me so if we happen to work out together then you won't look like a raging douche.

Here are a few things to keep in mind...

Don't leave a massive amount of weight on a machine after you're done

It never fails that some muscle head ignores the sign that says “Please re-rack your weights” and leaves the 400 lbs they put on the squat machine or bench press for you to take off. I guess they either think they’re too awesome or their muscles have started to push their brains out their ears.

Don't talk all the time and never work out

You go to a gym to work out… not to talk. Granted… I talk too when I go to the gym, but it usually involves a one to two minute time period and I’m on to the next thing. But every gym usually has its proverbial chatterbox who probably gets to a rep every 30 minutes. After about an hour and a half, he (or she) probably works out a total of three minutes. Of all the gym annoyances, they’re probably the least harmless but it still warrants its place on my list.

Don't spit your loogies into the trashcan

This doesn’t always happen in the gym but it’s happens the wide majority of the time. Is it really necessary? You might not want to swallow it but I wish you would please spare the rest of us knowing that some giant phlegm ball is sitting in the trashcan. Hey... the bathroom is right around the corner.

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These are by every trashcan in my gym... hypothetically...

Don't get infected with ILS

You may be asking yourself, “What is ILS?” ILS stands for “Imaginary Lat Syndrome”. Your lats (or latissimus dorsi) are essentially your back muscles. You may notice that body builders walk with their arms gravitating away from their body… this is because their lats are huge, they have way too many muscles and as a result can’t walk with their arms directly perpendicular to their sides or wipe their butt.

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If you look like this... you do not have ILS. Rather, you have an issue with wiping your butt and I feel sorry for you

If this is what you want… so be it. I’m not going to argue because if this is the case for you then you can probably smash me with your eye lid. What I have a problem with is those much smaller dorks who seem to think they are overflowing with muscles and walk like they’re carrying a watermelon under each arm.

Every gym has one. Don't let it be you.

Don't lift TOO much weight and DON'T use awful form

There are undoubtedly several of these in every gym. Morons who think they can lift more than they actually can and either use horrible form or do a maximum of one repetition until eventually slamming the weights to the floor and look around to see who was watching them complete their world record lift.

Don't be that naked dude invading my space in the locker room

I have to say… this is the one that bothers me the most. Especially at the current gym I work out at where the locker room is the size of a traditional workspace cubicle. Some men have no trepidation in getting completely clothes-less and meander about the locker room as if it was the Garden of Eden. This comes to make me realize how hard it is to actually avoid seeing something I don’t want to see. This will result in me looking at the ceiling or at the floor to drastically lower the chances of accidentally catching an eyeful of something that will scar my memory forever.

Unfortunately, this is sometimes unpreventable. It usually involves just forgetting to be aware because of where you are. Most recently it involved me walking into the locker room and the person who just got done showering was drying their feet with nothing on and might have well just said, "Hey guy... wanna see my balloon knot?". This resulted in a quick throwing up in my mouth.

Don't leave your sweaty leftovers

I’m fortunately not an extreme sweater, but anytime I leave a greasy patch of sweat of a bench… I wipe it off. Some Neanderthals seem to think that the gym is their own personal sweatbox and leave a trail of salty skin water everywhere they go. Gross.

Don't scream

Don't be one of these meatheads that push up weight and feel the need to let everyone in the gym know they’re doing so. This involves an ear piercing “HARUMMMM GAAHHHH” or “PHHHHHHHHFTT DAHHH” or “PWEEEEET WHOOOOAAAH”. I realize sometimes you're in the zone and you let out a little grunt... but keep it to a 500 decibel minimum. If you have to scream at the top of your lungs then just know that I know you’re a stud… now go jump in a pile of elephant excrement to cool yourself off Rambo.

Don't give me advice unless I ask for it

I’ve been working out a long time… and nothing chaps my hide more than some guy who thinks he’s got some advice to give me. Listen here Billy Blanks… if I wanted your advice I would ask you. Now go back to doing your shadow boxing.

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Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.

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15 comments:

UP said...

I agree completely!

Here's my post on that!

http://www.rednecklatte.com/2010/01/dont-let-your-new-years-resolution-screw-up-my-gym-time/

UP

Brutalism said...

Ugh. The people that go there to socialize kill me. There are two at my gym whose inane conversations are audible above my ear phones. One of them (a guy) has a huge pot belly, wears him gym shorts way too high, and as you mentioned, does a total of about 3 minutes of exercise.

Heather said...

I go to a gym where the ladies must have decided to go to find their husbands and they show up with makeup and jewelry on and their hair done up all pretty. And then maybe they decide to be lesbians by the end of their "workout" so they walk around naked talking about their fake boobs and asking you to touch them. I know that may be awesome sexy for guys, but for us ladies it just pisses us off.

Terry said...

Seriously?? Spitting a loogie in a trashcan?? OMG...that is disgusting!! I am a nurse...I don't do sputum...
Enough said...
I DO like the ILS description though....teehee...I've seen these people before...

Pippi said...

Stairclimber hoggers (although truth be told, I would hog one too if no one else was around). If someone was waiting, I would climb my 30 and hop off.

Keith Wilcox said...

ILS! HAHA. I hate that too. Of course, I hate gyms in general for all the reasons you listed. You're last one there pretty much sums up my experience with gyms. Too many know it alls who actually know nothing.

dadshouse said...

Oh man, that naked dude invading your space inthe locker room is the worst! Especially if he's 90 and doesn't see anything wrong with it.

Beryl said...

I wish they would lay at least part of the gym out for interval, functional fitness type workouts.
Its hard to get off a rower and get over to do box jumps or do mat work for time when they are on opposite ends of a room.

This and the assumption that mamas wouldn't like to flip tires or drag bags instead of all the dancy crap.

Oh yeah and guys who brag to their buds about getting laid in great detail. Yeah, I hate it when they mumble. It makes it hard to eavesdrop.

BabyMan said...

"ILS", omgoodness...that's hilarious...and TRUE!

Danielle said...

So with you on all of these. How about the person that doesn't get enough of their cell phone and can't bear to release it from their ear for 1 hour while they worrk out. DO NOT BRING YOUR CELL TO THE GYM!
Or the two chatterboxes that sit and talk on the piece of equipment that you need. 20 mins later they get pissed cause you ask when they will be done. Ugg! Go to the bar if you want to catch up!

Raquel's World said...

Hilarious. I love this post! I can relate to all of them completely except the mens locker room. But let me share some more with you...

When girls come in pairs and spend more time giggling and looking around then they do working out. Thus, holding up a machine I am waiting to use.

Psycho Workout Women- They look like men and think they are so cool but yuck.

Workout Barbies- They wear flashing revealing pink outfits, work out where the most men are, Whip their hair around constantly, their form is more sexual than beneficial to the workout.

The couple- guy spends more time watching who is looking at his girl than he does working out.

Mr Playboy- Not too buff just right, but walks around with his chest poked out like he is the shit. He does a set than looks around to see who is watching. He is constantly checking himself out in the mirror even when he is just walking.

The Machine Hogger- The idiot who does a set then leaves his backpack, water bottle, towel or whatever else while he cools off so that you can't use the machine. Or he will circle the machine so that you can't get on.

Lastly-
The overzealous trainer- They will not leave you alone. Even after you have told them you are not interested in their services they insist on "just showing you some proper form or quick exercises" This usually turns into a full blown consultation before you know it.

I enjoyed this. Thanks!

BabyMan said...

Raquel: Very astute observations. But did you have to pick on the workout Barbies? Workout Barbies are VERY beneficial to the workout. Cut it out. ;-)

Inferno said...

The guy who talks on his cell phone loudly for the entire time he is at the gym.

Raquel's World said...

Oh yeah that jerk too

Sherri said...

Hi
Found your blog from another blog,I loved your post on the gym. All of it is true. One thing that i hate at my gym is how there is a sign asking people not to spit into the water fountain...omg...do we really need a sign for this? lol
I hate the gym that is on a machine across or near from where I am trying to see if he can see anything...please....
Loved your posts
visit me sometime
Sherri
www.herrandomthoughts.com

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