Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Re-Post, Must read! The Perfect Vacation! Bring your men for Advice!

Well I always get mails from chicks wanting to know this that or the other pertaining to guys and I answer them and they take my advice and it works out just like I said it would or they don't and it gets all messed up. Well I know guys don't always ask things so I will give some unrequested advice to guys out there to give your girl the perfect vacation. The ultimate gift. Something that will please them beyond anything they thought possible.

Guys most of you don't appreciate what your girls go through, wives especially. If they work outside of the home they work the same hours as you do then get home and have tend kids and clean house and do most of the cooking, washing, folding and so on. The same goes for SAHM's. Have you ever tried talking to a 3 year old all day as well as doing all the other things listed up there? It doesn't exactly peg out the excitement meter. Well then you roll into the house and half way expect dinner to be ready, kids to act right, house to be clean etc etc and never give her the credit she deserves. Well this plan I have will absolutely let her know how much you care about her and how much you appreciate what she does for the family. This will show her how in tune with her wants, desires and needs are as well as show her you are selfless and all that other sissy stuff they like to see from you once a decade.

This will also work with girlfriends, shack ups, friends with benefits and on and on.

Anyway here you go. Bust out and dust off your trapper keeper and don't miss a word, Big Pappi will lay it out in easy to understand instructions.

Ok guys first you need to get someone to watch your house, kids, pets or other things that might need tending for 3 days. The plan needs 3 days. Oh yeah if you can keep it a secret its better. Then you need to make travel plans for the two of you leaving Friday afternoon and returning on the redeye Sunday night. Pick a destination on or near the beach say from Texas to North Carolina. Somewhere she has never been, somewhere beautiful and peaceful at the same time. Ok make the arrangements and all of that.

Then pack for her as well as new lingerie you have bought for her and her favorite ummmmm sexual aids, lubes, jells, lotions, potions, scented bath stuff, new perfume, you know all the foo-foo stuff chicks dig. Make sure you get all of that stuff. I know this sounds stupid but its only three days, damn suck it up wouldja.

Ok then after getting all the stuff squared away off you go to your beach destination arriving Friday night and getting into the LIMO you have waiting at the airport. To the hotel where she is taken directly to get a massage you have scheduled in advance for her. You unpack and prepare for later. Then after the massage you of course have wine or her drink of choice available when she returns. No touching or anything yet. She drinks a few or couple or one depending on her tolerance and you either read her poems or put the radio/tv on her favorite music station. By this time it is time to go to the fancy dinner you have SCHEDULED in advance.

Follow every step to a T! Trapper Keepers guy, Trapper Keepers.

You go to the dinner where the flowers you have had delivered there in advance for her are presented and the meal is perfect. Candles, romance, sweet nothings etc, all that romance novel BS they like. Then back to the hotel surely she is a little tired tonight from the trip and all.

Then when you return to the hotel you instantly start her a bath with the bath smell good stuff in there and candles and soft music. You offer to wash her lightly but still no sexual stuff AT ALL. Just tending to her in all other ways, pouring drinks, washing her back, adjusting the water temp. So you allow her to soak and all that. If you really went all out she is in a whirlpool tub and its whoopin and all of that, bubbles, smell good etc. You stay clothed. Then when she calls for you when she is ready to get out you go in and with the new super duper soft towel you have bought you lightly dob the water from her skin making sure she is sufficiently dry and then you allow her to do whatever the hell it is they do in there between getting out of the shower and being ready for whatever is next. Then when she calls again (she hasn't been able to see in the room this whole time per your instructions) you go back and give her the naughtiest outfit you bought for her and tell her to put it on wait 5 minutes, let the anticipation continue to mount then come out.

Ok this is the most important part for her to have the most satisfying, wonderful, excellent experience possible so don't get this wrong at all.

Ok then come back into the room, open the door and let me in, give me your cell phone number and the room key, go to your room (a completely different room) and remember to have breakfast, lunch, dinner and alcohol delivered at the appropriate times and don't forget to pick up your completely worn out, sated, satisfied and sore wife or girlfriend up in time to make the airport Sunday.

I'm telling you it hasn't failed yet!

This perfect vacation brought to you by Sage. I have a couple of weekends still open between July 10th and 2011, they are available while they last, first come first served, very well served.

Go see what the Real World has going on!

Southern Sage <----Y'all click that and come on over and leave some random thoughts!! I'm on the road with a salesman and will smile when my phone bzzzzzzz's


MsH said...

Haha I like the funny ending.

That would be incredible, kinda sad to read too because I have never seen any fairies either! As soon as I see a flying little person I will believe in such a weekend.

Not a soccer mom said...

Marry me.... I love a good road trip

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