Friday, October 1, 2010

Wandering Eyes May Cause Incoming Fists

Having a beautiful wife like mine is indeed a blessing… but sometimes it can be a curse. You’re going to have to deal with the roving eyeballs of your passing homo sapien male brothers yet know the rules that come with the territory of having such eye candy on your arm.

Alternatively, when dealing with an oncoming pair of extraordinary boobs on a hip-swingin’ supermodel; you have to know when to look away so that you’re not going to be eviscerated by your wife, girlfriend or recipient of your lengthy stare.

Here are some tips for you OR the guy taking too long a look at your better half’s miles of boundless cleavage.

1. It is okay to look… but not for too long!

With all the enhancements women can get these days along with the things they’re allowed to wear in public… men don’t stand a chance. They have to look. Not looking would result in a catastrophic collapse of their frontal lobe which in turn would create a small black hole, sucking everything within the general vicinity into it.

Quite frankly… they want you to look. They wouldn’t have worn what they’re wearing, worked out that hard or gotten the work done if they didn’t want the opposite gender looking.

The trick is when to know to look away.

If you’re “the looker”… you want to look for a second or less. In this case a second lasts a long time. This could more commonly be called a “glance”. That’s honestly long enough to get your fill. If you look any longer than that… it will assuredly result in you getting caught. This is when you know you’ve evolved the glance into a “stare”.

If you’re the unfortunate boyfriend/husband of the recipient absorbing the +1 second stare, then you should probably say something.

“Hey buddy… you know the rules! ONE SECOND MAX!!” You should bark.

This will usually knock the lookee out of their trance, result in their immediate embarrassment and will generally concede with an apology.

If nothing happens and they seem to have fallen into a trance… it’s time to strategically plant your fist somewhere in the general vicinity of their ocular cavities.

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One second... it's all you get...

2. The party involved should be flattered with a glance

The problem with most passing looks is that they last too long and evolve into a stare. A stare is rude, inconsiderate to everyone involved and makes you look like a douchebag.

A glance is a more appropriate form of non verbal communication that can be interpreted in a number of ways. It could mean, “Your surgeon should get a Nobel Prize for that work”, “You must work out” or “That guy she’s with is a lucky dude”.

The good thing about a glance is that even if it’s caught by the significant other, it’s usually followed by a head nod and grin distinguishable only to the male species. This is non verbal man communication as if to say, “Nice work dude” or “You suck but I gotta give you props”!

Glancing merely reinforces the fact that (a) you were correct in your assumption that your girlfriend/wife is hot and (b) other guys are jealous of you.

Girls want to be noticed… they don’t want to be ogled.

Staring, whether they/you are caught or not, merely reinforces the fact that (a) there’s no tact in our society anymore and (b) he/you are going to get verbally abused/punched/slapped/shot/kicked/eviscerated.

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This dude looked too long...

3. If in passing, the situation presents itself again to glance… DON’T!

On occasion, there will be an opportunity to look at the same set of delightful orbs or derriere in skin-hugging leggings within a fairly short time period.

This presents a more delicate situation because all parties involved were made aware of each other earlier and have danced around the situation once already. Going through it again will result in awkward scenarios and uncomfortable moments.

If you are the viewer, take solace in knowing that you got your freebie and move on. You need to stay focused straight ahead. You’ll want to look… but remember this quote:

“I looked once and got my breath taken away… I looked twice and got my eyes gouged out.”

It is too great a gamble to feel greedy and catch another glance. The opposing territorial male is all too aware of the elephant in the room because he is a red blooded male himself… and he knows what you’re after.

If you’re able to curtail the need to look again… you’ve gained the respect of your unknown brother and keep true to the unspoken male code.

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It starts early...


Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.

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3GirlKnight said...

This is awesome.

Reminds me of the guy I watched perform a perfect 'glance' at Subway on Saturday. Don't worry, I got my glance too.

"Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away. (Jerry Seinfeld)"

UP said...

I came home from the Navy in 1977 and went to church with my Mom. I asked her on the way home who the pretty blond in the choir with the nice rack was.

We've been married 33 years today...I guess I'm a looker and not a glancer!


Hubman said...

Personally I like it when men (and women!) check out my wife, even for more than a second, and more than once :-)

And I do my own share of checking out...

Anonymous said...

You sir, are correct! Cosmetic surgery has resulted in the beat down of many a man....your sage advice is as common as looking at the imaginary dot on the wall above the urinal.

Trooper Thorn said...

Sun glasses come in handy.

jodi said...

You nailed the rules! I have an extremely jealous friend that gets steamed whenever his gorgeous wife gets checked out. I then remind him that in his case, "if ya wanna be happy for the rest of your life, NEVER make a pretty woman your wife....."

TentCamper said...

very wise advice. But I have a big problem with the hot-bodied women who wear revealing clothes and then throw nasty looks at guys who look at them. Cover up if you don't want the eyeballs!!!!

MartyrMom said...

what is it when the stare includes a slack jaw and and bit of spittle/???

jenie=) said...

i can't seem to stop reading. is funny in a way because you are stating facts and i kept nodding my head in agreement for those who rudely stares. if only "every man" is as aware as you are with manners.

glad to be back here! its been a while...and i miss your visits too. come see me soon ;)

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