Friday, October 15, 2010

I May Be 30... But I Need My Nub Nub

It's been a rough day.

First of all, when I got up this morning, I realized that my DVR did not record "Sister Wives", a show about a dude with four wives.

Then... I came to find out we were out of Rice Krispies.

Then... I had an accident in my pants.

Then I cried an endless waterfall of tears.

"It's gonna be one of those days!" I thought to myself, "Good thing I got this"!

I reached into my pocket and drew out my best trusted friend to whom I resort to when days begin to look as though they're sliding into the pit of Hades: a faded green pacifier.

"Hello old friend" I said as I cradled it gingerly almost expecting it to respond back to me. "When everything else fails... I can always depend on you!" I said as I popped the bulb of the pacifier in-between my lips and then began frantically sucking away the pain of the day.


You may think this is strange and ask me, "Why are you, A GROWN MAN, sucking on a pacifier?" Well... my mother never weaned me off of it and before she knew it I had moved out of the house using my "Nub Nub" to help get me through the stressful moments in life.

Who was there for my end of semester finals? Nub Nub.

Who was there when my college girlfriend broke up with me? Nub Nub.

Who was there after I killed that hobo and feared I was going to get caught? Nub Nub.

Who's been there through 11 years of the Texas Rangers not being in the playoffs? Nub Nub

Watching close games stress me out. Who's there for me? Nub Nub.

So... you can imagine the kind of rift this created in my relationship with Bunny when I pulled Nub Nub out after our first major argument.

"What are you doing? Is that... a pacifier?"

"NO! THITH ITH NUB NUB!! AND HETH THE ONLY ONE WHO CARETH ABOUT ME!!" I screamed around Nub Nub who I held so delicately between my teeth.

"HA! Are you a man... or are you a baby?" she responded while simultaneously yanking Nub Nub between my pursed lips.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Give it back poo-poo face!" I screamed again before close-lining her then slamming her to the floor in order to wrench Nub Nub from her vice-like grip. I sure as hell knew that I wasn't no baby!

So don't judge me. I may be the largest person you've ever seen sucking on a pacifier... but it's my own business. My mommy never told me I had to give it up... so I'll give it up when I'm ready.



Post Post Disclaimer: if you didn't notice my complete and total sarcasm... then you are indeed a complete moron.

On a more serious note: what's your thought on pacifiers? Should kids be allowed to decide when they don't want a pacifier any more? Or should there be some rules established i.e. "only a nap-time" or "only at bed-time" or "pretty much whenever they scream loud enough?" Or do you have no rules i.e. "Let them suck on that thing until they're 30 years old... like Papa K!"

I'm interested on starting a heated debate... make my wishes come true.


Come visit me at my home: Hands To War.

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UP said...

Ok, I'm a little worried now.


WannabeVirginia W. said...

Uhmmm, I just don't know.

Anonymous said...

From a parent with 2 kids well outside the "binky" stage....stay the hell away from it. Seriously!!

When I was in highschool, we took a senior trip and was riding a Greyhound bus overnight to the desination. The girl in the seat next to me was sleeping in the fetal position sucking her thumb! I kid you not! She told me that was how her mom got her off of the pacifier and she has been doing it ever since. it was the only way that she could go to sleep was to suck her jacked is that?

♥Georgie♥ said...

whaaaat you didnt record sister wives? i a all askweded now...

The Green-Eyed Brat said...

fuuuck...i HATE reading things that only solidify that I'm a moron!

I've popped to out...and i never let either one have one...I think they are unnecessary and reason for us putting up and dealing with our kids...i could go on and on but I'm hungover...perhaps another time.

3GirlKnight said...

Ha! Great sarcasm.

As for pacifiers, our policy was a progressive one. As infants they got it whenever they wanted it and as they grew up it went to 'sleeping time' only. We were pretty lucky that at least 2 of the 3 just quit using it fairly early. We had to make the other one throw it away. Which worked but took a fight to get it done. None of them had it past their 2nd birthday. The 2 that quit cold turkey were done with it months before that.

Raquel's World said...

Moron speaking here...I truly thought you sucked a paci?

I say between eighteen months and two you should start weaning back. Limiting the paci to bedtimes etc. I hate seeing a 4 year old sucking a paci.

Keith Wilcox said...

Neither of my kids ever had a pacifier, but just to jump into the fray here -- I think kids give these things up on their own without coaxing. Of course, I knew a girl who sucked her thumb until she was 21 (not continuously of course) so I guess there are exceptions, right! HA

MartyrMom said...

4 kids, no nub nub, one thumb sucker even with a "crib" in her mouth until 12....still the problem child at 24 and she does strange things with her blanky now.......

web design jacksonville said...

I got a scientific atlanta cable DVR box, I am trying to copy from that to my DVD Recorder.

jo said...

My kids didnt have dummies. In desperation when my son would not sleep unless in bed with me, I tried to give him a pacifier but he was having none of it.

Seeing the problems a lot of people have getting rid of them, I'm glad.

For myself, I was a thumb sucker until I was 11. Some kids need that type of comfort and will find it whether you give them a dummy or not.

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