The Unexpected Glass Dildo Blower

You never really know someone do you? I mean, there could be a cool neighborhood guy with kids that your kid plays with, and you see each other every week. And you shoot the shit with him as your kids play. And it turns out he is a Paramedic, and he has back problems like you do, and your wife and his wife like each other. But when is it that you really know, that you know him? Or do you ever. Well, I will tell you.

On one of our daily walks around the hood, we ran into one of the guys who brings his kids to the neighborhood Friday playgroup. He was outside smoking a cig, so I parked the stroller in the shade of his garage and we stopped to shoot the shit for a while. In his garage I noticed a setup for glass blowing. He has stacks of raw glass, a large torch and a table full of finished jewelry pieces. He showed me his stuff. He had a whole collection of really cool glass pendants. Each one was done with brilliant colors and very fancy designs and shapes in the center. Some had glass roses inside, others were swirled colors of sparkly glass, or prisms of various sizes. And he made them all by hand. I was very impressed. I did not imagine this guy to be the artsy type at all. I was simply amazed and surprised.

“So what else do you make out of glass?” I enquired of him.

“I will make anything anyone wants….but not crack pipes,” he said with a slight chuckle and sideways glance.

“Anything, huh. Why, have you gotten requests for crack pipes before?”

“Sure. But I sell the pendants, and also teach a glass blowing class once a week in Fullerton.”

“Right on, sounds like a fun hobby.” I added.

“Yeah. You want to know what my biggest seller is….” I didn’t even need to ask as he didn’t skip a beat and offered this to me, “Dildos.”

“Reeeeally. Dildos huh. What, are there people that collect those or what?”

“Yeah. You’d be surprised how many people want a nice glass dildo for their collection.”

“Huh.” Was all I could say about that. And laugh. Lots of laughing, mostly at him, and a little with him, he couldn’t tell the difference anyway. Doesn’t really matter either.

Sure, sure, dildos are great. I mean, who doesn’t like to rumble around with a nice dildo every once and a while. But who the hell makes them? I mean who really makes them? What kind of people make them? What would my wife think of me if I made dildos in my garage? For that matter, what would I think of myself if I made dildos in my garage? And what the hell do you tell your kids you do with all that glass blowing stuff opposite their piles of toys in the garage?

I thought I knew this guy before. I thought I knew that he was a rough guy on the surface, but obviously a caring, compassionate guy who helps people every day as a paramedic, and who loves spending time with his kids, and who is an outgoing dude who hangs out with the families in the neighborhood every Friday night. But now, now that I have walked in his dildo factory garage, now I really know him. And every time I see him now I just won’t see him in quite the same way. And every anniversary my wife and I have, he’s going to get an order placed by me…

As I grabbed the stroller and headed down the driveway, and Mr Pant’s headed off pushing his bubble blowing lawn mower across the guy’s lawn, I turned back and said, ‘Hey, I’ll definitely tell my wife about your stuff.”

To which he replied, “Okay cool, tell her I can make her a cool pendant or a glass rose.”

“Yeah a ribbed rose…..” I said, but I don’t think he quite caught on to what I entended to tell Lilly about.

(Sorry, no photos of the kids in this one. I just couldn't do it.)