Monday, November 29, 2010

Is Your Daughter 18?

A father's worst nightmare; your celebrity daughter turns 18 and nothing can stop the slutty descent into career irrelevance that follows the alcohol and drug fueled post-adolescence Bacchanalian parties. Okay, maybe not your worst nightmare, but certainly one that Billy Ray Cyrus has to face now that little  Miley has turned 18. We've seen the warning signs for at least 2 years now: revealing outfits, provocative videos, rumored boyfriends of dubious reputation.

But now it's on in full force and digital 3D. Unfortunately the vices and entertainment-industry-parasites around Miley will ensure that "Hannah Montana" will remain her acting and singing "high point".

If my calculations are correct, this should be the next few career moves after she sobers up:

  • "Buddy" movie with Taylor Swift and Rhianna where she shows her "chops".
  • Inner city rookie high school teacher whose misunderstood students learn to see the world through new eyes. Cyrus receives an Oscar nomination but no shot at winning.
  • Cast in high concept tech-thriller opposite Christian Bale but is replaced by that girl from "I-Carley" a quarter of the way into filming. The official press release is she is suffering from fatigue, but rumors from the set are she was frequently missing from the set and hung over.
  • One month marriage to stunt man. Two month stint in revolving door celebrity rehab center.
  • Disappointing romantic comedy with Jake Gyllenhaal where they have to sail from Manhattan to Miami to prevent the wedding between each of their best friends.
  • Box office flop of her personal pet project "NASCAR Angels" about a group of women race car drivers.
  • Moderately successful TV series where she plays the older, world-weary best friend of Dakota Fanning.
Does that seem about right?

December 14 Update: With Miley's recent "alleged" bong use, she may be going to rapidly down the Lindsey Lohan career path to accomplish any of the above bullets.


UP said...

You're spot on!
But I'd actually go see the one about the boat trip from Manhattan to Miami...that would make a pretty good movie if done may be on to something...we should write the script!


Oilfield Trash said...

You pretty much summed it all up.

ChopperPapa said...

Your on target. I give the little chica 2 years and she's centerfold for Playboy.

Billy Ray's life must totally suck right now. His semi prodigy daughter is slutting it up all over the Western Hemisphere and his wife dumps her washed up country music star hubby for a STD infested has been rock and roller..

Raquel's World said...

Totally agree. However, I do not think Billy Ray is as upset as everyone thinks he is. I think he sees dollar signs in a whole new untapped area.

Trooper Thorn said...

UP: Sounds like a plan. Just as soon as I finish the movie I'm writing about a time-travelling robot who solves crimes and his wise-cracking penguin sidekick.

Oilfield: Thanks.

Chopper P: Her centerfold will be very classy though. As classy as you can be wearing high heels in the shower while eating a popsicle.

Raquel: I don't think "untapped" is the word you want to use there.

KittyCat said...

SO sad. and Glad that is not my tattoo girls life path.

What a disappointment. I feel sorry for her parents. But then again they are the ones that allowed her life to head down this path to begin with.

Momma Sunshine said...

She's totally just a product of her upbringing. Her parents should be ashamed of themselves, frankly.

But now that she's 18? Theoretically SHE is the one in the driver's seat and calling all the shots. I'm going to hold out a teensy bit of hope that maybe she'll do better at managing her life than her parents did.

A gal can hope, right?

wahdaholic said...

this is a disappontment, but it's still up to the child.

taama said...

We've seen the warning signs for at least 2 years houses for sale in cape town now: revealing outfits, provocative videos, rumored boyfriends of dubious reputation.

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